waiting for baby

Upstairs in the apartment waiting for baby I hear the door slam and my heart jumps I hope it’s not like last night when I did the same waiting for baby sitting on the couch at one point I wanted so much to see her that I resolved to jump right up when I heard her key turn in the lock and felt all that love for her sitting at the edge of the couch cushion especially around 8:30 because that is when she said she would be home and was waiting especially for a heart full of love around that time and playing it out in my head how she would have her bag and maybe be stressed from work or happy from a good day but either way would run up to her with a big smile and lift her off the ground with a hug and kiss her face and neck and arms so much that she would giggle like she does and forget her day and just be happy to be home and be together with me and playing it out so clearly like this made me want more and more to hear her key turn in the lock and listening for the front door and even pulling the trap to the side to watch the bus stop not knowing if she would take a car but when 8:45 came and then 9:00 and 9:30 that love that welled up all at once began to dissipate and I could only sit on the edge of the couch for so long and had to get cleaned up myself and go to bed to wake up for work the next morning so I got ready and did my nightly meditation and read a few pages out of my book and turned off the lamp next to the bed and laid down so when I finally heard the key turn in the lock I was half asleep and raised my head to give baby a smile and was happy to see her very happy but not nearly as happy and filled with love as I was earlier sitting on the edge of the couch