needing it all to be productive even wanting my leisure time to make more for me having gotten into this bad habit of looking at everything in terms of its value and looking at myself in terms only of what value i can produce and this value system being minimally investigated though i suspect it is based on monetary american capitalist fear-based material systems and i have let them get hold of me in an effort i thought some time ago to lean into it for a while so that at some point i would have enough to live comfortable and be released and able to build my own value system with enough “free” time — yet that time has not come and i am getting antsy but know that if i break early before my money is made then i will return to the same problem having not enough money to survive and slipping below the standard of life required for the value system i would build based on non-monetary tenets so i realize the two worlds are linked by the ends of the world’s monetary system and the means of my own idealist world i cannot yet surmise that a complete break is possible especially with the lingering suspicion that a human being animal may not be able to release from his nature whereas the monetary pursuit is an advanced version of the primal pursuit for food and shelter so really wanting to split from my nature and remembering again that this is not possible – which i would not forget except for the ethereal moments when the sky opens up and shines down on the earth in a way i want to look at the world forever or a feeling for a person i love overwhelms me in a moment which i wish would last forever such that i could exit time in that moment and have that be all there is, yet it is this trade, which we do not necessarily choose to make though i think we would choose it if given the option, where the barter for more space is always to endure more time. if you want to see, feel, hear or otherwise sense the world differently than you are sensing it right now then you must endure more time. and this goes on whether we like it or not more time always coming and brining with it subtle changes in space that sometimes you don’t notice, when you’re sleeping for example, and other times you notice very second, like the final seconds in a football match. and in those moments, in a small amount of time, we reach up to the ethereal opening in the sky, but then are pulled back earthward by our animal needs to eat and otherwise care for our bodies that might die if not cared for correctly

takes time what i want to blast all at once in one big surge like a dam holding back the largest river which breaks at only one point and the jet stream that comes forth from that small crack the force of a whole river coming through that one point but even more than that because the whole river must still wait patiently for that small opening so i want the same small opening but the whole river at once rushing through with a blast that could destroy planets the same as a thousand taxis through the entrance of one roll bridge or a thousand camels through the eye of one needle which is the same impossibility i suppose i am asking for in this case that which jesus said was impossible for the rich man to pass into heaven with all his belongings but i care not for my belongings but rather do not want to leave this earth here to pass into heaven which is what i suppose i really am trying to bring all at once the whole word into the ethereal much along with me and still be able to display it to the world as art making me realize now that the belongings which i am most burdened by are not my possessions but my attachment to others and to myself