A green light gotten gantry straddles the bathroom door to lift up the ceiling and allow in some more grim spooky Halloween mood that goes with the green slimy swamp like expecting to see a skeleton or something floating in the bath water
Category: SOC
Stage fright (1/22/20)
I perform better under vigilance from others with feats involving strength whereas sometimes self-conscious like with speaking I can do better alone or at least I perceive hard to hear myself as I ramble on wondering about the push from others in some regards and in others hand clammy getting nervous can’t so much as utter a word stage fright if only I could lift the podium off the stage and toss it into the crowd I could do that just fine
I think only of production (1/21/20 3:09am)
I think only of production often times I can’t even access parts of my brain associated with pleasure from normal waking hours before something in my hunting cortex pushes a to-do list in front in part do to my being male and in other part due to making to-do lists in the first place about which I am encouraged to obsess over by various pressures so that when I wake up at three in the morning the order of things which I think about is I need to use the bathroom I am thirsty and then thirdly not but a few seconds after having had a drink the to-do list enters and working begins as soon as waking energy begins I realize this because the weekend before this Tuesday I was ill and forced to think only of my health and realize again what it is to live in the present and enjoy without planning for the future — for this reason, I was actually enjoying being sick as dreams inspired by idle reading returned to my sleeping hours and passive curious thoughts after hours of laying in bed and staring at the white ceiling and wondering only about what was slowing right then without energy to do anything more
speech to text on 1/11/20 walking home after the coffee shop
I go out early in the morning to get nice and caffeinated like most people my age do in the night time out to the bars to get nice and drunk and then stumble home with someone is there for Mozart in love after lock on weekdays at work warehouse for me it’s more about the coffee and the caffeine in the early morning when you can still change to do in the crisp cold dark there and being one of the first people to a coffee shopThen by 10 AM it’s back to a normal world everyone awake and going about their day so I scrambled back home to be on my own and read and write until the early afternoon
Figuring out now that I can talk to my AirPods without even having to pull my phone out of my pocket
Walking home in early January how’s the gas station that’s empty year that I’ve seen it before things have been slow the start of this year it seems holding eggs with bacon in my backpack going home from the coffee shop to cook breakfast with baby glasses slipping down my nose shoes scuffing on the sidewalk one lace hanging out loosely left hand in pocket past peers
use AirPods to make speech to text content. Become an art tech start up yourself. The key is editing. You can mass-produce the content with the technology. It’s just a matter of being discriminatory to find the good content
Siri
I imagine reading this like Siri does, fast and run-on without inflections at the right points in the sentence—but she’s learning, and getting better.
high highs (1/6/20)
i know now not to ride the highs too high holding on past stratosphere onto space where i’m alone smiling looking around wondering who’s here in the black silence only do i realize after the bright light of the booster flare fades that i’m all alone in my ascent and look earthward for who i left already falling
speech-to-text back and forth between apartment and laundromat 1/4/20
walking so fast I can’t say one way or another what I see clearly wanting for some clarity supposed to be separating safe from dangerous getting somewhere to satisfy hunger finding love of forcing me on primal being the main driver but being able just briefly on a Saturday like today to walk on Fillmore Street before noon sun shining in every darn thing looking gosh darn perfect that dog leashed to a traffic meter majestic that bookstore with all the books I would never want to read on its shelves each restaurant and café serving all the foods that I would want to eat every person I passed smiling seeming like they want to have a conversation with me and having all these thoughts that I wish I could share with the moments when my creativity Waynes But needing now just to get down as much as I can and bottle up this feeling or at least put it in art to remember a gosh darn great Saturday like today
I want to find her gray hairs fondly for her to see that there’s not much time and understand why I believe it now is the time to live and we must press on and not relax too much laying in bed all day need to get out and go while we still can for what seems good and satisfying on its face is sticky and alluring slowing you down seeming to go slowWhile really proceeding quickly to old age
I like a little let loose crazy longing for the void only after some time structured set in my ways and nailed down long enough to let sit like clay in the oven or metal in the mold just to be cast back into the fire and barely kept form melting to reshape refusing to stay same sending forth like a god trying to be many and eventually all once obliteratedAnd nothing anymore
swearing to myself to stay sober so as to avoid a sudden left off like last night leaving earth so suddenly that I look down it is only a marble not even the oceans able to be distinguished from the land forgetting everything I knew out here in the black space void truly creative having nothing to draw from like God before originClosing my eyes and making something out of nothing but if I am truly being honest what comes behind the black clothes dies was for another life still like the God that came before ours
Pumped full of fumes filling my Freudian with fear feeling that it is really the end this time having run on planes for so long looking up towards the sky not expecting to step and land on soil no longer falling framed by the cliff face falling is all that is leftAfter plane running and before jagged rock crashing
Knowing when to stop not the morning no that is the time to go after a restful night for the energy rise with the sun at work getting into it and excited waiting to go on even for getting lunch but at some point must slow down must eat rest and relax and get ready for nightfall when the natural energy leaves and must slope down into sleep if the same cycle is to repeat itself tomorrow
if you get to work producing too much at once then Sam gets lost and might have even been better off not produced in the first place the two worlds work together preservation and production producing when energy is available to be spent and even benefits the system as a whole to be spent rather than conserved but sometimes need to conserve like needing to rest at night If only we had something as simple as the sun rising and setting to instruct us went to work and went to rest and all other areas of life
it should be done by now having had ample time to dry the timer telling me this chiming in go and check it says someone may be there waiting with their wet clothes counting on you to come timely like I say what I said a timer if you were going to wait anyway
speech-to-text after walking home from the coffee shop 1/4/20
I think I have to relax I’ve worked too much then relax and lay in bed all day and realize why I work avoiding lethargy boring listlessness in the idle dark and quiet with only my thoughts that get to go too far on their own and need to get back to work again to think of something other than nothing
I’ve got a good coffee high going so I can’t stop myself from running on the way home just to see new things faster I startle an old man walking with his hands Behind his back slow spooked to see me turning every which way at the street corner bouncing up and down waiting for the light to change
That’s just not true what you repeat to yourself having heard once and at some point believing From the repeating having forgotten the original lie Intel a collision with what’s really reminds you
more SOC at the coffee shop 1/4/20
You start to say things like surely more sure of yourself with the unspoken seal of certainty granted to those that have grown older or for some other reason regarded by society as being more sure of themselves like a child regards her parents
stream of consciousness at Peet’s coffee shop on Fillmore 10:08am 1/4/20
i think there’s something about it being strung out and straight on so you can’t catch your breath reading until you gasp and choke for air trying to get on to one more word and then once you think you can’t go no more then one more still because it’s that good and will cease to all be the same run-on if you stop to breathe (i’d like to write a piece one day that runs on so good i’ll get lost and read it run on like this and overcome even my instinct to breathe and lay there on my deathbed reading it right to the end)
everything collided so perfectly in that time after which now it is only worthwhile looking back longing with less to be gotten from the present it seems compared to thinking back in my imagination on that past good time which may be me getting older and the best behind me so i wonder if this in between turning twenty five is the time to start looking back or if there is still more to look forward to
I published this in the moment I wish I would have because I don’t think art happens over time more editing overthinking less of what was once natural coming out as art in the first place because that is what you thought or felt and that is the art right there as soon as it comes out like a live performance and anything after that is manufactured
tea affecting me
I think its when I start to think that I’m supposed to feel something that I feel at all otherwise just going along thinking mostly and acting instinctually unless I do something like drink a tea that’s supposed to affect me and all of a sudden I’m wondering has it hit me yet looking at my hands more closely and putting my palm over my chest to feel my heart beat asking am I sad happy excited calm when it’s really just an herbal non-caffeinated tea and I’m doing this all on my own
creative chaos
my art benefits from my work and vice verse. chaos crispier structure and structure controls chaos. sitting focused on structure an artistic idea will occur in my subconscious. creative trying to make my work experience will move the ball forward.
body of work
I have an idea of my body of work the rest in my mind always stretching it self and trying on new limbs. meeting other bodies there in my mind and comparing itself taking from others to add and sometimes subtracting out of self-consciousness the body of work is imagined as its whole at onceSo that I can close my eyes and edit apart or move pieces around or have a sudden realization waking up in The Morning Show how to fix something I’ve been stumped on the body of work lives in my mind
playing pretend
i don’t want to actually experience that artificial depression madness sadness malaise as the experience itself is not so pleasant as it is to sit back removed and consider the possibility and ponder like watching a movie actor manufacture emotion interesting to think of what could happen to me or someone i love without it actually happening
metabolism
like a flame laying dormant unmoving needing to take in to burn and grow larger and larger given more fuel burning until all burnt and receding unable to stop even for self preservation to burn is to live for a flame no other way of going on so burning all the way to ember and eventually ashes once all is consumed
lights on the ceiling from cars
Watching the lights like you haven’t before been smitten lying on my back on Saturday through the shades from light reflected off of car windows making shapes on the ceiling that entertain me before a nap between morning work and lunchtime
morning computer work
Deep and pitted in the mental pathway digging deeper seated upright coffee keep me here elbows at ninety degree angles on desk chair armrests perfectly parallel to the desk on which keyboard rests and fingers creating on the screen what keeps mind so focused and actually enjoying with the coffee high this work as much as I would relaxing
I get giddy like a kid again looking forward and hoping excited for what’s to come like everything’s ahead and coming my way
feeling good wanting to say spread about but keeping quiet to let it be and hopefully last this feeling like a medicine spreading and making my skin warm in a sunny day at lunchtime when i am about to eat and have made plans with baby tonight
a quarter after four (09/26/19)
with the heat hot like it is i can’t sleep on an indian summer morning and have to get out closed tight from under the bed sheets baking in there so i can explode and spread out in the combustion and at least spread out of my skin that the sticky sheets close in
this morning has it like i know i need last night to do what is been planning to but without any energy left over after a long day so had to sleep but now up early at a quarter after four sitting at the edge of the bed wondering what place opens this early in this city so i can get out of the studio while baby is still sleeping and get to work
all this from montana (09/20/19)
knowing me on a misty morning like this in big sky Montana looking out from the deck seeing my breath the same color as the clouds the nestle down into the cleavage of the mountains like a woman’s necklaceThe soft and frequent pitter patter of rain that drops on my phone screen and the wet wood will become more frequent and harder later in the day the weather report tells us which is why we walking up early to make the drive to Yellowstone
I knows breeze in cold air in my mouth exhales vapor why I see the same trees this all last night now presumably just a little taller and a little more wet from the night rain chopped firewood place stacked at the mouth of the forest quite a lot of firewood next to two stops that must’ve been the contributors onetreeMust’ve been about twice as thick as the other judging from the chopped wood in the stumps some trees fall and naturally I wonder why those were not first used for the firewood seems like a good alternative to use a dead day instead of shopping at a living thing
on after and into what wouldn’t have been possible prior to what presently is more poignant than trying to remember
It is most often between generics and specifics choosing whether to lift off and leave earth or stay grounded in a real and present reality. The difference between being that with specifics you are committed. There is a time and place and to say one thing starts you down that path so that if you say something completely different halfway through then the reader will say wait a minute, this is not what I expected. Whereas with generics there are mostly pronouns and non-descript adjectives (the types of adjectives that could describe anything).
inward skies drift outward from mind’s eye into What was once water in the lake below now drifted up into vapor from the water surface that reflects it moving on drifting so this sky is a change of sceneThe same clouds that hide the stars at night giving a sense of soft safe protection aboveAround mountain peaks in the distance soon to return earth word in this rain
Inside painting cloud so I’d like a canvas three jobs against it clearly moving just enough to know it’s still real
edited: Inside a painting on the back porch clouds so white like a canvas the trees against it the green trunk spine branched tops defined so clearly against sky moving just enough to know it’s still real compared to trees against the forest so ambiguous seeing a forest for the trees wrapped in a blanket internally warm enough so my breath turns immediately to vapor making it harder to see through the smoke into the painting
unable to tell whether the clouds have changed or not being the same white overhead and no city noise to tell you when people are getting to or leaving work and your hunger the only clock telling you the time since your last meal and maybe tired at some point in the day napping if so in the leather sofa under the vaulted cedar ceiling waking and need needing to or at least laying my head back down and keeping my eyes open thinking as little as possible letting what happen will in the world outside this montana cabin off far away from what i will soon return to
all this from montana (09/19/19)
how to have an experience with water flooring for the white waterfall in between being here and closing my eyes and folded my hands sitting on the rock next to the river or looking up eyes open thinking trying to speak about it this caused a conflict between being realizing realizing to matter now do you talk more specifically like the clusters of white bubbles created by the base of the waterfall that float down the river over and between rocks protruding above the surface easily seen as the water is so clear and broken temper falling into the river poking out of the water lead up against the Rockwall creating a bridge tears of stone face showing years of the riverCutting through the college drone of the water creating a nice background so I can barely hear the edges of my voice just the water going down the right hitting each tear and tell hitting the water in the white
The world rewards persistence Neil says referring to the river cutting through the rocks creating the waterfall right now see it says give something enough time and it will have an impact I think the myself that’s a tragedy of it that we only have so much time
feeling with fingertips plant leaves reaching for the side of the trail here in the crunch of gravel under sneakers my friends carrying on conversations in twos six of us total three sets of two is that with the width of the trail will allow here in the waterfall still has a distance behind us one story takes over everyone listen to the laughs
The trail Narrows now conversations trail off the width only allowing one at a time so you have to turn around to talk to the person behind you so naturally talking last and looking around and keeping to ourselves more
Only so much you could write about the woods with words needing colors to get around the edges of each individual rock or each fine Pineneedle on the trail of varying length a word we’re just say rock or Pineneedle and less mathematically down on hands and knees measuring and describing to the decimal point each size a painting send all these numbers automatically to the eyes so a meditative exercise conjuring up general words to describe a pleasant for scene as if to just repeat the word tree tree tree leaves leaves leaves brock brock brock rock is what I meant to say and these doing the job of words to country up memories of your own nature scenes
creating making more being in what you are see you can see here feel remembering like this before wondering if it is the same and if New how knew where? At the edges? Just barely different? Or completely nothing ever seen before or the same using memory words taught and rememberedOr new words shouted naturally whispered maybe sounds recorded that may not fit letters
Disorienting at the edge of a cliff to look out and see and get so far into that site forgetting your own feet at the edge almost leaning forward into the picture forgetting you’re funny then to waiver and feel the wind remembering your own place and stepping backYour own body and its limitations causing the loss of the site and even more than that you saw it but that you were in it and part of it if not for your physical keeping you bodily
on a straight away sent now good golly getting into it having covered some distance heading the middle part they never seems to end on and on like try not to watch the time to get past farther faster checking stepping
you’re asking too much of your experience want to get to last longer otherwise be more when it is as overwhelms finitely as Humanizer created for Keeping the sensation of touch in your hand only as long as you hold onto what you’ve picked up when you drop it to pick up something else you can not keep what you had before the same as when you turn your head to trade one site for another or walk farther on the trail see to be somewhere else entirely so you must go and taken only what comes when it does and work hard to be taking in Nothing other than what has come
bench nap (09/15/19)
an old man passed out plainly in broad daylight his arm stretched out resting on top of the bench his head laid-back and mouth wide-open add a day darker did yesterday and the leaves blowAlong the cement in a cool breeze making a scratching noise the wind in my ears as I walked bye
universal identity (09/14/19)
so long as you are yourself you must be that you cannot release completely just like the universe cannot you maybe part of it and wishing to melt into it but the same principle applied to one individual knowing that the universe at large is also an individual and some cents would cause everything to unravel so you must hold together as a building block of everythingIf everything is to remain built and not let loose and subtly destroyed
diamond (09/14/19)
It’s like a diamond with the pressure from my work and the poetry gets crystallized in the middle when I thought it was all gone and was forcing it only getting out some that wasn’t really that good so it decided to take break which is when it was allowed to crystallize as it did in my subconscious and become more naturally those slightly less more quality coming from what I actually felt as opposed to what I attempted to manufactureAnd the pressure of being helpful so to stay energized and motivated working on something more of the world less creative but I have that energy mat by the equal and opposite reaction of art so the harder I work the more I create
blank space (09/14/19)
awake and into the world remembering how things are especially around lunchtime when you are reminded you must eat and go to the sandwich shop to pay with dollars that you must have kept track of and seeing all the other people eating and doing other things that they’re supposed to getting into this world all day going back to the office and sitting at your desk and doing the job that you’re supposed to that you’ve done before so keeping on this track and almost going on auto pilotIt becoming easy to keep up with your routine and home at night to rest and then wake up when there’s a chance that it’s really all new having had some time to close your eyes and think of nothing so for getting partially what is usually done and more personally what it is that you were supposed to do and not yet being so hungry nor needing more rest so being able to get away from food and shelter for a short while and left off into a blank space where could creation really a curse for me running about and waving my arms and shouting gibberish throwing it all gets the campus words that made out rhyme and notes that may be definite are attached to a world that must make senseBut here is where creation happens created being that which is new and of course must crash land at times bringing nonsense back to the real world what other times you might bring it back and others will say oh yes why have we not had this before
fake (09/14/19)
You can win because you can cheat pushing to appear like a fake plant in the store rather than one that is growing in the wild with only so much water and sunshine each day a plant that was built to constructed to be as big as no matter the materials being no cost and the builder being paid multiple builders even with green to back the world gets constructed this wayAnd sometimes even a fake plant looks real
private studio (09/14/19)
from this apartment inside one drape pulled over and letting lighted half the window mustering energy while music plays and water runs teeth brushing barely morning on a Saturday up earlier the first few voices outside the window generating life and momentum here just ourselves to date contained in a small studio apartment that would stay here if not for the screens connected to what is called the Internet and these keyboards with letters that constitute the English language and phones that now have computers inside of themWith photos that we took last night using the camera that is also part of the same phone baby laying in bed and editing the photos I sitting here on the couch typing about last night perfectly happy to stay inside especially with this connection to the rest of the world where we can capture art on technology and send it out to our friendsAnd even new people who have become our friendsOdd to have such a connection while at the same time being so private
never enough (09/14/19)
it’ll never be enough i know now watching my friends make their money and remembering at one point in 2005 or earlier when i was about ten two dollars was a lot for what my brother and i could buy at the corner store but now in san francisco 2019 i believe more of the stories about greedy men seeing how more made is seamlessly spent and getting used to what can be afforded but not only that but more so seeing those around you (and especially those just slightly above you) forgetting that ten year old happy with a bag of candy
keyless entry front door (09/14/19)
buttons being pressed promptly so the system may learn you as a keeper of the code that may gain admittance here at least just for that knowledge and the ability to press it in and hear the buzz that only holds the door open so long enough to get through and close it behind you so the next must also be a keeper to get through
careful now (09/14/19)
things fall that i fumble with losing touch with reality in the particular ways that physical matter requires to interact such that it does not make complete sense to me why a coffee cup should stand still on an even table and slide in a slant so i’m cautious about putting anything down anywhere and walk carefully like a man on stilts quickly to each light pole holding on like the world might tip upside down at any moment
all come crashing down (09/07/19)
I worry it will all come crashing down like what is happened won’t continue or I’ll forget to do how to do what I’ve done the tower built into the sky when all the sudden the foundation and the bottom floors CampbellWatching almost to not continue to not make progress for fear that it will disappear blah blah blah this one is a good isn’t good is not not not not
always calculating (09/07/19)
carried on counting keeping careful tabs calculating making sure amounts match up perfectly placed weights balancing so that records can be kept track of current and up-to-date figuring for what otherwise seems ambiguous and uncounted and therefore not understood or able to be made useful determining where there was too much and where there was two little reallocating and budgeting to spend just enough for a return of increasing percentage learning from numbers to make more and sometimes subtract accessTo ensure that cost your profits the numbers are put to work
independence to interdependence (09/07/19)
feeling mattering more as long as you’re all right OK enough carrying on what is actually mattering only in so far as it is connected by some formula or calculation to how you feel not being completely off the sun still generally making warm and feel good but still sometimes the opposite sun burning and turning away so what there is mattering almost not at all except for what will kill and end everything needing to pay particular attention to danger but otherwise not mattering color words shapes time and events passing having no effect other than the effect that you won’t be interpreting fact by way of feeling and giving human weight to matter only in the case that it is interpreted or thought of or felt but otherwise just being on its own meaningless almost I want to say but being so humanist and I thought nothing could possibly could possibly matter beyond or outside of us similar to the thought I have about my own ego myself mattery more so I thought until age 23 or so but now thinking at least that man matters others matter but that empathy still not extending outside my species I suppose the next step by age 50 or soOr maybe quicker that empathy will extend to living things and then maybe before dying it will extend to everything and maybe nothing as well
consume and produce (09/07/19)
looking after things differently even when extras and efficiency is often overlooked into the access that would seem to provide enough even after quite some time having consumed and consumed with an attitude of leaving nothing left but still more comes and produces even for ungrateful hunger asking nothing in return
cafe choreography on saturday morning (09/07/19)
watching a cafe work cups stacked in a six or seven towers each twenty tall newcomers falling into line as they have before knowing the drill paying with bills or more often cards nowadays that move around the right numbers to motivate the workers to show up in the morning and do their jobs well outing coffee over ice opening black fridge doors beneath the counter that reveal glowing white interiors full of milk and other vital morning sustenance putting lids on cups for to-goers and grinding more beans clicking cash register keys sliding glass doors that both keep pastries fresh at the same time as having them be on display for customers choosing pointing through the glass that one no that one to the left right there yes the gurgle of the frothy milk foam spout steam and more beans grinding customers waiting with their arms crossed waiting for their cup to be called and then smiling stepping forward the operation running smoothly like choreography for a play where everyone has rehearsed their parts well and act candid as if it were not a shower but really real life so the hunger and thirst seems real and they are genuinely excited to receive their coffee or bagel but relaxed not so serious like they might not eat otherwise knowing there is another cafe next door but casually and expecting it having gotten used to a life of nearly guaranteed survival that the world of order has created which makes cafe choreographed machines possible
at the taqueria after work (09/05/19)
let it be left and lost that Which doesn’t carry on itself after anything more important then the next step looking back and seeing where it came from but forgetting to look forward and keep stepping striding even running without paying any mind to it created his legs that run as long as it keeps going and becoming the past not mattering except for its contribution to exist now
Typing a whole thing out and having it be lost the phone accidentally erasing and forcing me to think of whether it was worth it in the first place
It’s not the beginning or end of the world just eat it is good for you without becoming too hungry or too satisfied keeping on the straight road careful not to dig or fly too far
the fog in the evening (09/04/19)
The fog locks you down and you were here you were going nowhere else this is it look up and all you see is white even the upper half of the buildings are cut off like anybody on the 20th floor and higher doesn’t exist walking on the sidewalk you feel safe like if the world were to tip upside down you just fall into the cushions of the clouds no hope of a son that is going to set or riser a moon that comes up at night just this eternal day the same amount of light getting through the same temperature and the same thing to be done over and over until it’s finished The fog is for working world and nothing else
sitting in the sun in the early afternoon (09/04/19)
I was really in a good cut that riding car down the side of the sidewalk seeming wider than usual feeling good about what I had written reading it sometime after forgetting it’s what I wrote I need it just to avoid the normal rushed hours like noon for lunch at 8 AM for the commute to work if I just wake up a little earlier at six to go to lunch at 1 PM I can get out on my own and see what I came forWithout having to dodge her out so many other pedestrians and wait my turn just to see
after about it now left got up from the low but if it’s a good feeling in my chest and happy just to walk in the breeze like I forget to be thankful for so often smiling for no reason and looking curiously everywhere curiously at what has appeared to be so many times but is now somehow different seeming like an opportunity an opening at offer unless I danger less like a car that might hop the curb and kill meMore like a modern Momento of innovation of them
sometimes thinking nothing could go wrong like now sitting in the sun in the early afternoon and other times thinking everything already has gone wrong and can’t ever be changed or get better swinging like this and wondering how to stay but when I get out and spend some time and try to doctorate everything changes and can’t experience the art of emotion throwing me this way and that out of my control which being myself I love meant to a certain degree because I’m the one who asked to go through it but from the outside if I were to see it like a book or a movie but quite enjoy the art of it after all it is the highs and the lows and even the sideways that are most interesting to sit with my eyes closed and be calm is not that externally interesting like a movie but maybe if we had to take the camera they could see what goes inside goes on inside of mind and the colors and feelings that take place they’re dark and silently maybe then i would prefer that movie
one big surge after a nap on sunday (08/31/19)
needing it all to be productive even wanting my leisure time to make more for me having gotten into this bad habit of looking at everything in terms of its value and looking at myself in terms only of what value i can produce and this value system being minimally investigated though i suspect it is based on monetary american capitalist fear-based material systems and i have let them get hold of me in an effort i thought some time ago to lean into it for a while so that at some point i would have enough to live comfortable and be released and able to build my own value system with enough “free” time — yet that time has not come and i am getting antsy but know that if i break early before my money is made then i will return to the same problem having not enough money to survive and slipping below the standard of life required for the value system i would build based on non-monetary tenets so i realize the two worlds are linked by the ends of the world’s monetary system and the means of my own idealist world i cannot yet surmise that a complete break is possible especially with the lingering suspicion that a human being animal may not be able to release from his nature whereas the monetary pursuit is an advanced version of the primal pursuit for food and shelter so really wanting to split from my nature and remembering again that this is not possible – which i would not forget except for the ethereal moments when the sky opens up and shines down on the earth in a way i want to look at the world forever or a feeling for a person i love overwhelms me in a moment which i wish would last forever such that i could exit time in that moment and have that be all there is, yet it is this trade, which we do not necessarily choose to make though i think we would choose it if given the option, where the barter for more space is always to endure more time. if you want to see, feel, hear or otherwise sense the world differently than you are sensing it right now then you must endure more time. and this goes on whether we like it or not more time always coming and brining with it subtle changes in space that sometimes you don’t notice, when you’re sleeping for example, and other times you notice very second, like the final seconds in a football match. and in those moments, in a small amount of time, we reach up to the ethereal opening in the sky, but then are pulled back earthward by our animal needs to eat and otherwise care for our bodies that might die if not cared for correctly
takes time what i want to blast all at once in one big surge like a dam holding back the largest river which breaks at only one point and the jet stream that comes forth from that small crack the force of a whole river coming through that one point but even more than that because the whole river must still wait patiently for that small opening so i want the same small opening but the whole river at once rushing through with a blast that could destroy planets the same as a thousand taxis through the entrance of one roll bridge or a thousand camels through the eye of one needle which is the same impossibility i suppose i am asking for in this case that which jesus said was impossible for the rich man to pass into heaven with all his belongings but i care not for my belongings but rather do not want to leave this earth here to pass into heaven which is what i suppose i really am trying to bring all at once the whole word into the ethereal much along with me and still be able to display it to the world as art making me realize now that the belongings which i am most burdened by are not my possessions but my attachment to others and to myself
untitled
all along outside even after in goes others who wouldn’t waiting need to wait to just get through the editing phase before going back again to making and benefiting from the momentum of one being surrounded by front and back to learn itself less scrutiny spread out
don’t choke
things are fast and rushing frequently enough that a breath caught and soon let out makes only a momentary stop when any premature flex of muscles while inhaling will cause a choke and then it will be coughing and wide eyed slow
some alliteration in here
left now longing after looming likelihoods have transpired or not and so what was wished for has been bitten into like a bite seen or has swallowed air deceived such that shortly after is a great sense of satisfaction or otherwise disappointment but it mattering little either way truthfully for the next bite, whether real or perceived, will appear soon after and drive a stomach that seems always to be empty to carry on looking longing leaning forward
oh no, never to be thought of again
suppose you do come through with what it is that you say you do but then leaving me with it done but what is that four fridays ago leaning off holding my hand out waiting what no longer waned out of mind’s front and center finally slipping beneath and slinking off never to be thought again
more SOC not sure when or where from
almost like an expectation normally would show you what you’ve already conjured up some down swimming where what i really need to do in this dog fin situation is to open up a little and let each word have more possibility rather than letting the limits tighten and each subsequent predicate so closely on the prior there it is the sounds of the words dictating what comes next rather than the meaning but nope there i just switched back again to the meaning and still now but let’s see here if a dear so long as touched what wasn’t much mostly after long nights nevered along such that a never verb were so definitely permanent it needed and action to continue conveying its meaning
drunk 5am
a little drunk off of it in the bed at night or morning in between hour at 5am taking this opportunity with the normal connection of my brain to body to reality slightly distorted as drinking will do so laying here writing some and seeing what will come out that wouldn’t normally
on the street corner at lunchtime
i can really drive like this on after what eludes me in complacent hours passed almost not noticing and sometimes just because i’m enjoy myself and not so hungry or otherwise needing to survive as i am when it is right there in front of my nose
sitting on the couch after one cup of coffee and no food around 10:30am on Saturday (08/24/2019)
feeling it better now to just talk into my phone as I was trying to edit and place things carefully and work that I had already written but up so high I haven’t had coffee and not eaten that I’m more in the mood to speak and create new things rather than shift around all things like I can try the freestyle or the stream of Koch this out loud more easily in this mood where the rug runs along the floorboards and tell up the legs of the bookshelf along the walls and tile horizontal where the top of the shelf supports a television that looks like a frame against the white wall and realizing constantly that when I start to do this stream of conscious it is first things I see that I start to say so learning my pattern for performance and would becoming self-conscious inevitably hearing my voice and thinking about that but trying to raise higher from the self-consciousness and just put out what is there what I am sensing coming closer to describing just what I am being in the moment with headphones in my ears trying also not to really hear my voiceBut just let the phone hear it and write it down so that it is more natural
let’s try to get a run along going here with my eyes closed and pulling more from just the dark nothing is in my mind rather than what I am seeing where a word rides I can almost see them typed out reappearing one by water replacing the next one not even thinking of these words really just saying what happens in my mind and that being more like preposition conjunctions because there are no nouns and verbs when your eyes are close and there’s nothing to put together other than maybe pronouns but not pronounce more like add verbs like such an ass and more this ad is this and fastness just the way things are rather the things themselves his wifeMy mind is blank except for when I pull out from the depth which is really probably just a memory or else something primordial that were born with
eyes closed or you get it in the darkness but even now seeing the slight differentiation and shades of darkness behind my eyelid some parts more misty white if you look closely and not even abstract shapes or a granularity that almost looks like sand white gradient specs in the blackness similar to the sound you hear is silence your mind still trying to pull something out of nothing and when I open my eyes to look at my phone to make sure it’s a recording of clothes that again the lights that I Saul like the light from my screen on my phone at the light for my laptop or the light from the salt lamp all become scar is in the back of my eyelidsThat it first resemble what I saw before closing my eyes but then less and less the ice can remember as the lights fade and I can only assume my pupils dilate again trying to hold onto the light but less and less coming in from the darkness now
really thanks so much now my God lifted up and out all along just really mumbling almost into my phone really barely even being able to pull the definition of the word out knowing that I want to keep making a sound but he really almost wanted to be just noise and wondering what the phone is picking you up if I were to just mumble or hum (edited, was “harm”) like but somehow as those words get out and the sound of creative self in my stomach before they can reach the phones microphone my lips and teeth and tongue curve just enough to make them into words that I somehow remember I believe that I’m still talking because this comes from somewhere that I don’t know not really even talking to someone are trying to make sense of it but it really just flowing are coming out somewhere there is a primal force in my
wanting (edited) to talk more about this concept where my energy for creating starts in my stomach or maybe below my stomach maybe in my sexual organs and drives up and in that driving up through my abdomen through my torso starts to define starts to become something at least more than the force but say that in my sexual organs it is only one one for us and then in my abdomen baby becomes defined into one of five or six things and then when reaching my trachea maybe one of 100 things and only in my mouth where my brain also seems to influence it doesn’t define into one of 1 million things or I don’t know how many words I know but somehow before it gets out and into a word and reaches the phone defines itself all most of its own accord into words and normally we are rationalizing and choosing logically and meaningfully what those words are they get out based on what we see or hear or what would be appropriate but now while trying to return to what I would maybe do as an intelligent baby or what I would do if I had absolutely no self-consciousness really the words are just polled at random but they don’t sound random because they put themselves in together and do a string of sentence so maybe there is some order in as I even try to think now really just forgetting that what I want to do is just put it out and let it go and let it be and I’ll
that is the thing I think that these words really come from somewhere else that it is only when we look out and try to find out ahead of time what is appropriate that these words actually become so tied down specific in the common words are used most often that people understand people understanding being the predication of what we want to use when we are alone and the words are closer to the guttural force that drives up for my sexual organs then the words can really be anything and left to just flow and not even having gotten there completely yet do you still these words just make sense but closer I think to the way it is that a baby just makes noises or mumbles because that’s what comes up naturally from their core and they have a largeAnd they haven’t you learned yet how to make words that sound appropriate to others
these meditations were interesting to me at first to capture just while I straight up consciousness as Dan is removing as many barriers as possible from what goes on in the mind to the words that would actually come out to get close to the fighting what goes on in the mind and I don’t think this is the only medium of art to do this words I mean definitely could hand somebody a paintbrush and have them just paint what they feel but still than having to have eyes open and dip the brush into a specific paint maybe music I think is actually even closer than words because then you can just make sounds and harm more yell or go high or low or pause or go sideways based on how you feel but the words and give it a little more definition so that you can go hi like motivated excited exuberant left it exuberant left it where is with the hi Noise there is only really the one Hein Noise where his words give it more definition but now there is the second part of this meditation or experience or experiment I mean where I am having this concept of an energy that comes up almost that reminds me of what I learned in Catholic school about the word big divine or holy something about the wordBeing divine are holy the word really is one it starts as a unified universal thing there is a word the capital W word and that starts in your midsection and your sexual organs I think in your creative area and then is defined as it comes up through organs that have to sort calories and especially in the trachea and mouth and teeth that developed to speak so humans can relate to one another by then the word become so defiant and needing to fit into a physical world that is differentiated but it comes from a universal world that is all one primordial that is why the word is W
and maybe recording this mindless meditation instead of putting through speech to text so that the pauses and the sound of my voice can be captured but also thinking then that it is only this out it is more like music that they only have the recording and there is something about putting these words down to definition where they are written and seen in the world real world that makes it more than just the sense of your own but also the sense of sight so that you can see the words and thinking that that transition is very very important but curious about the media by which those words are written because my hand cannot write fast enough these words that I’m thinking it is only the microphone I can pick up and transferred a text that captures it fast enough though not clearly enough but that is also upReally my fault because sometimes I mumble the words or say something that even I don’t understand so sometimes the technology understand me even better than I understand myself by completing my sentences
Not knowing how much longer I can go like this quite hungry now and not having eaten since early last night costly feeling that my art is best when close to my aunt getting more and more hungry and more and more delirious and wanted to keep going wanted to resist the urge to eat I just keep recording answer my phone until I wonder if I could almost go even farther and farther and if they would actually be a medical issue Shirley is only been hours since I’ve eaten but whatIf I were to go days since eating what then can I create what kind of thoughts would come to my mind what I even be able to speak that is an experiment I want to try creating art without eating
A little more nonsense now just from the urge add a little more but pretty empty it being weird how it is like a cup or anything else that feels of where I pour out of myself there’s only so much there I don’t know where it comes from whether there is like a battery where I have to wait to charge up and fill up and just by living my normal life and maybe sleeping stuff is added it to me and when it comes time for me to put out are I pour it all out and try to get it out and get it out at some point it is empty right now if you are there is nothing more to say but still wanting to say having the energy having to drive but none of the content of the actual matter like a fire or the potential for a fire but no locks no matchSo it is for art in particular the artist that only so much art can be created you cannot read the whole world you cannot see the world from all the different possible perspectives you are human only your small physical body and can only participate in your slice of that time and space I cannot expect more and so settling down into making out with the time and space you have in being satisfied with that
I got really going out can’t even focus on editing trying to think about the world will think of something but having no concept of all of the world will think anymore haven’t gotten left it off so much into my own head of my own space or wherever I’m at that when I look back at the larger piece or a book that I’ve tried to write and figure out if I should delete or keep a section of how I should edit it I can’t have any of these thoughts because I have no concept of the objective no concept of the objective to which many subject themselves so trying to average those objectives to come up with an objective answer that is what will be popular and that is my main goal would giving something to the world but not knowing that now being so drill down it’s my own subjective where it is that my art comes from which is a great irony of art that what you are bringing to the objective or the universal is truly a deep deep subjective that is only only for itself but there is some part of us objective another subject of that is that enjoy seeing one other than itself so the greatest start is between two I love our relationship a sexual act between one and the other a very very deep subjective meeting another very very deep subjective or perhaps it is a long subjective inside of a deep subjective one coming into the other that is the sexual act the ultimate creative act of one going deep into another one extending in one receiving One extending it one receiving the longer in the deeper the better and are you not so much just the space of the length and the depth but also the time being able to hold it away in that moment of ecstasy and so going as deep as you can for as long as you can and the other receiving all the link that they can draw the tide and they can both holding together and experiencing what it is for one only one to experience another it anything more than that one tried to experience to or what I’m trying to experience many or Maddy trying to understand one or any other creative union other than one and one is a perversion and even wine and wine being different than one alone experiencing itself so that I am now wondering if there is a way to many to experience each other if we all can participate in the same union and I think that is what it is to have a child for that sexual union do you give birth to something that is actually one of the long is gone so deep for long enough that the two literally become one create a third that is themselves but is it self not separate at all it is not the left off from one of the right half of the other it is one completely and so what would it be for everyone billions to write dissipate in a sexual act that would give birth to one and returned to GodMaybe that is it the whole story of life that God and some divine act obliterated the capital 01 and to Manny and it is our destiny buy some creative sexual divine asked to return to the one that we all were originally
Breathing and dBrief focusing feeling humble now I can’t fall and I guess I didn’t now have fallen back and try to scrape myself together and restart it matter how much you make there’s always more to make and you almost forget what you made before even when you are proud you forget those moments I could become not proud it all soon there after like you’ve never made anything in your life
I am going after everything driven primarily by an interesting curiosity and it all right now so eager to open or walk into a new place or hear a new sound or touch a new thing just wanting the senses to come in wanting for the world as it is shown to me through senses but other times I want to close my eyes and shut it all out right now I just go from one thing to the next and I was completing their completely forgetting the thing before and thinking now that there is so much that you never run out of things you can go on go on go on go on go even for a whole life opening new doorsHearing new sound seeing new things meeting new people feeling new feelings learning new things you’ll never run out in this way it is good we are small and limited that we can only do so much at once and be in so many places at one time is it allows her to be diversity and newness in our experiences such that by restricting the abilities of man you have multiplied his possibilities
do you want to get it all done at once and can’t barely wait for space to catch up almost exploding with all the desire in one moment that a body cannot contain in a second and to yell out or a great display of strength breaking something is the only way to express my needing to take all that energy that would blast like a grenade in all directions and channel that in between deep canyon walls that I lower the river to rush and define to a point or like a pressurized tank with only one opening and that opening is where your heart comes from but the walls of the tank must hold strong must keep the yard in and condensed so that when it comes out it is defined so the real charge for an artistIs not to keep art coming out of the opening but rather to keep it closed in everywhere else
Sometimes being more reserved and hiding it only showing some one now releasing an open the doors wide-open and letting it all be seen even my own work I think all should (edited, was “she”) get out
waiting for baby
Upstairs in the apartment waiting for baby I hear the door slam and my heart jumps I hope it’s not like last night when I did the same waiting for baby sitting on the couch at one point I wanted so much to see her that I resolved to jump right up when I heard her key turn in the lock and felt all that love for her sitting at the edge of the couch cushion especially around 8:30 because that is when she said she would be home and was waiting especially for a heart full of love around that time and playing it out in my head how she would have her bag and maybe be stressed from work or happy from a good day but either way would run up to her with a big smile and lift her off the ground with a hug and kiss her face and neck and arms so much that she would giggle like she does and forget her day and just be happy to be home and be together with me and playing it out so clearly like this made me want more and more to hear her key turn in the lock and listening for the front door and even pulling the trap to the side to watch the bus stop not knowing if she would take a car but when 8:45 came and then 9:00 and 9:30 that love that welled up all at once began to dissipate and I could only sit on the edge of the couch for so long and had to get cleaned up myself and go to bed to wake up for work the next morning so I got ready and did my nightly meditation and read a few pages out of my book and turned off the lamp next to the bed and laid down so when I finally heard the key turn in the lock I was half asleep and raised my head to give baby a smile and was happy to see her very happy but not nearly as happy and filled with love as I was earlier sitting on the edge of the couch
staring at the art gallery wall in the apartment on august 11 at 2:53pm
clearly everything is seen right now without much to distract just being allowed to be and having my eyes work and not so much noise that the few noises are heard clearly and loud and heavy eaten just enough and enough time passed since a small salad lunch that I’m not running to my next meal but also not passing out from hunger and so greatly satisfied all over and curious about what I am sensing is the perfect formula to just be talking into my phone and having it makes sense and also taking time to pause and let it play out what I am sensing and in this case mostly thinking just staring really at the art gallery wall the baby and I put up in the apartment but not really seeing the art mostly just eyes glazed over seeing the words in my mind and seeing isn’t the right sense but thinking is really the right verb which to me has been interesting lately as I have thought in most cases art is a matter of sensing but from my writing it is largely a matter of thinking which at times like these with isaac lost over has nothing to do with sensingYet thought is mostly nonsensical without senses that at one point informed the very structure and language of thought
baby sniffling car going by outside fridge whirring another car going by and skateboard wheels and a heavier vroom like a diesel truck or maybe a sports car and starting to listen closer to the car noises and being able to hear the difference between just wheels rolling and when the engine is revving
tripping mushrooms in golden gate park on august 10
everyone looks the same like the same person
wanting my trip to be the trip and so not write just to stay here and be with moment …
being in this moment everything melted together so that I can barely feel my feet touch the ground in the sense of my stats as well as my fingertips skipping the phone as I talk to it or less potent or not even there so that whatever drives me my mind on my soul is more the focus just driving and no focus on the appendages that result from the driving just the soul moving through and seeing people inspiring a face to smile but it’s really the Saul doing all of this in the body just listens to the commands of the soul and so now it should be the commands of the soul and more clear the commands of the soul and my clear waiting on my friends thinking it’s funny that I’m talking to my phone off away from them and they’re waiting to walk back to the party so I should really go with them now baby looking so cute tying up her hair and all these people around so many people here in the music in the distance and the fog rolling in over the trees in Golden Gate Park really looking amazing not knowing whether it’s just the nature on its own or whether it’s me tripping do you need to go back now but still looking at my friends laughing and having so much fun just being together making it so happy the baby my new girl is talking to John and Krys my old friends and they getting along so long everything is good right now we need to start writing to be more in the moment and not really being the crux of this having to stop writing or having to stop being I mean not being able to be in the moment while riding and having to step away in order to talk to myself so people don’t look at me weird
Picked a good part of the forest wondering what thoughts I have a worth writing and what sites should be wet just pass so meeting in the middle by writing everything later but having this theory that it’s all good
Feeling good and great directions like for the trip now fully in it past the turbulence of the come up so just soaring and even taking more needing really just focus and be at it does pass just talking because I’m trying to write
Realizing so much more and more that it’s the self-consciousness that affects the art even just now talking to John realize the conversation we were having his art it self and so not necessarily the consciousness of the self the gist of art be created a fax with whatever not oh my god this
feeling the fear of experiencing it while not writing and then it’s gone and I wasn’t recording and I can’t get back that exact feeling that led to what could’ve been written and even now even now my phone is having difficulty recording what I’m saying with all the people on their voices around so the moment is harder and harder to capture which makes me wonder about moments that must be captured presently yet or out of reach of art forms that can’t be capturing in that moment feeling the same fear of forgetting or missing out in general but specifically applied to the art that would’ve been created in that moment and really wanting to survive and get down to it to have life be created and recorded and not lost or forgotten being the driving force of life and the driving force of art in the drive
So overwhelmed with it all feeling what is all here always but unable to live like this with so much overwhelming just becoming exhausted all the sensory inputs and empathy for others and looking at someone in the face and not knowing them but feel exact with the feeling
The same feeling I feel for something written down and then lost as I feel for life lost in life really just being time but time needing something to pass in order to be itself so life big time and space
I forget who is who falling behind in the crowd with my group it’s in the back of one head and it being a difference the back of another the trip so that everyone is the same
Looking at people and being there and not wanting to interrupt that with being myself
So much going on if I’m to be the one I’ve learned you can’t write it all at once you just can’t write it all at once it takes time life has to play out overtime even if you feel it all at once you can’t write it all once at least not with words you by feeling that one moment so much do you want to explode in that moment obliterates with Human and you but you just can’t write it on the moment
And being with the moment thinking that I want to be here but what about myself I came before that I want to keep being before or not thanks so much and see you baby far away laughing and really realizing now that I stepped out of the moment and seeing all these people that know that I’m tripping look like the same people I see your face and looks like a face from my past but really all the faces are the same and I feel more connected and more caring and more easily able to find excuses for the fault of others just like I find excuses for my own faults
untitled
consumer radio silence bouts between on and off priceless interactions soon after met with pressure
dark and light shapes blinking my eyes blotching abstract art over reality
the night seems nice to me tonight waking up at 1:45am whereas sometimes it seems scary
coming home early from work at 4:30pm on a Tuesday (08/06/19)
like this laying on my back and having it all pour out especially after days dark interspersed with tread wondering if this is it in the yard has gone like I always do fearing I have nothing to offer and will be me anymore or maybe just afraid of being worthless and unproductive and untalented really not mattering what identity Woodcalm for all identities being the same and melting into one another but really just the primal need coming through and this being what is requiring of the ego a certain consistent and persistent success whereas otherwise just to wake up and be even completely different wouldn’t matter just as the rest of the world does anyway and especially less apprehensive to become another and melt apathetically completely into the interest of anything else even unmotivated even for Survival even dying maybe and being all right with it because not coming from an ego needing so badly to live
goodness like a drug it comes to be so unexpectedly today just from having left work a little early and paying so much attention on the bus into the buildings on the walk to the bus especially and now back in the apartment laying on my back on the rug and looking at everything the off-white ceiling and the leaves outside the window blowing lightly all of it just as it is any day that I get home but on this day just a little earlier it all opens up and gives back to me the art and ability I so selfishly miss and fear to never have again when it’s gone so reflecting now while I have it on why it is that I miss it so much when I don’t interesting especially is the thought that it will never come back and believing so strongly that this is true even though for the last little while now so many times back-and-forth I thought this and it certainly does come back but I suppose the fear is Stuart still real that one time it won’t and then what will I be nothing maybe different maybe something else maybe I will be all right with that too I have been mostly all right with what I have become and suppose that I have become different things but really now thinking that this one is it and that I only have so much time and so many chances before I lose my mind or disintegrate or grow old or get killed suddenly so I want to rush all I had at once and really wish I could if I knew what it would take I think I might have the will to do it but just being in a body and mind that can’t I’m kept private and so have been taught patients as a result but still Hoping greedily for more time so that the limited mind and body I do have wind spread out can achieve what I otherwise would all at once
clearly everything is seen right now without much to distract just being allowed to be and having my eyes work and not so much noise that the few noises are heard clearly and loud and heavy eaten just enough and enough time passed since a small salad lunch that I’m not running to my next meal but also not passing out from hunger and so greatly satisfied all over and curious about what I am sensing is the perfect formula to just be talking into my phone and having it makes sense and also taking time to pause and let it play out what I am sensing and in this case mostly thinking just staring really at the art gallery wall the baby and I put up in the apartment but not really seeing the art mostly just eyes glazed over seeing the words in my mind and seeing isn’t the right sense but thinking is really the right verb which to me has been interesting lately as I have thought in most cases art is a matter of sensing but from my writing it is largely a matter of thinking which at times like these with isaac lost over has nothing to do with sensingYet thought is mostly nonsensical without senses that at one point informed the very structure and language of thought
let’s see if I can give you an example here of what it is two cents in the sea thought looking now up at the off-white drapes crumpled and connected buy black been screwed into the window cell and glass window surrounded by gray metal frame where just be on the glass is a branch of leaves that are about 6 inches wide and five or 6 inches tall blowing on their branch and occasionally pressing up against the glass window see that was site that I was sensing now if I switch to hearing I hear my own voice and close my eyes to make this easier hearing car is outside and a rustling that is rather pleasant that I cannot tell whether it is the cars or the leaves Rushleigh against each other blowing in the wind now a release of wind that sounds like brakes on the bus and the room of the electric engine in the door of the apartment building shutting heavy downstairs and now the bus taking off from the stop and hearing the chime on the phone that tells me my voice is stopped being recorded so opening my eyes and seeing again and switching to that sense thinking now of smell and taste which I have said before really aren’t strong senses artistically certainly taste is with the Colaneri arts and eating but just laying here with nothing to taste or eat my taste buds are mostly useless and tasting dry saliva nothingness in my mouth and my smell especially sensing less if I could just drive it it would be nothing this as well maybe clean I would describe it or like fabric or like air and feeling are yes I should’ve said feeling before taste and smell because it can be quite strong abstract I describe it like it often makes abstract painting make more sense to me whereas undefined things are seen with the round and rough sketches but nothing clear as you would see with site feeling now my hand my left pinky and ring finger against my abdomen and the palm and some against my lower ribs and my left foot on top of my right shin and my behind pressed against the rug slightly sore from laying in the same position for a little while and my elbow against the leg of our living room table and the fingers of my right hand holding my phone in front of my face in the back of my head also Preston gets the rug is similar to my behind and really quite a lot if I were to focus over a grade about a time I want my body is feeling just my body itself I imagineThis being sent as art
ver if you were to say my art leads to nonsense usually when I get a rush and have a lot to put down but then still the motivation stays well there’s nothing left and so results in me saying whatever comes to mind even though it doesn’t make sense and really just wanting the black great against the sky to keep going so the art doesn’t run out without much content referring back to what I said earlier about a body and mind only be able to do so much in a limited time but Pricing I’m not the last talking faster running almost out of breath and wanting the light to show like it does on the ceiling shadows really just waiting for baby to get home laying on the floor alone and all my poems out of me feeling better actually having gotten something down and leaving a legacy if in this moment I were to die which is a large part of what drives me I think to leave something if I die to make something while I’m here and preferring to leave this motivation is not so clear as to let them drive me and be human and normal without having to discover and explain everything because then as I have beforeJust getting a headache and then losing the motivation and that not being good for anyone
like a little space behind the mirror leaned up against the wall in the corner behind the radiator or dust bunnies collect and protected not so open these small spaces make me wonder of cloistered worlds where cat paws with scratch and food falling off the dinner table will get lost and marks on the wall unseen won’t get patched or painted over and light won’t shine as often if long enough turning to paint a different color
staying with an idea long enough or moving on to match our attention spans wondering what length is right between gravity and well explained so if it in the beholder that will read brilliance into one wordAnd otherwise is in patient won’t sit long enough to get anything out of it anyway and all around all story short and long playing out just depending on who is there to read them
The need to create constantly pressing on me but needing to relax and remember that what will happen well and creation happens always just by living a story is told in just by seeing a painting is painted and just by hearing music is made so all the time the heart is there and the only variable is not whether I create it but whether I am open to seeing and hearing it
wanting baby to come home so badly just sitting here talking to myself not realizing how much I miss her until now being able to hug her and talk to her and just hear her breathing or working or rolling over in bed and looking up to see her watching her live her not life as she normally does and being so interested in it and her being interested in mine and making comments and asking me things
So much art really all around just a matter of capturing it and sometimes having to decide between capturing it and just enjoying it
Walking home on Fillmore on a Friday night
brisk cool walking feeling good and even open even though foggy and dark and windy and blowing in my face and walking downhill that up peppermint on my skin opening my nose tree leaves overhead stopping at intersections and keeping rhythm with the clacks of my heels of my weekend shoes that I wore because it’s Friday night and waiting for a car at this intersection and it goes so I can patch voices in the distance to my left
San Francisco being quite a really beautiful city and people laughing which makes me happy doors close it got parked cars that start their hinges it make me wonder why everything is plural because it was really only one car cars cars cars cars I’ve said this before but if you walk up the sidewalk in the city it is really car is at Phill most of your consciousness either listening to them or try not to get hit by them or looking at the ones that are really expensive are the ones that are not expensive it makes so much noise
I wondered why the Google maps app said it would take so long on my phone the walk I mean it was only a mile or a mile in 3/10 baby but now I realize it is because of all the stops at the stop lights and having to wait for cars those are the stops that make a mile walk take 30 minutes
So much here yup I’m sure of it now even more sure than I was when I packed a backpack and moved from the Midwest to come to the coast the people who had been here told you was great now I am one of those people that will save myself that it is great this wind blowing it’s seeming like it is not so great in the city but he thinks cold and dark but I know it is from the ocean that is not far away it’s so ISmile is just as if I were on the beach in LA
it’s quite easy now really to flow just the immediate after work hours on a Friday after I’ve worked and worked and worked and slept and woke it up and work some more and slept again so that I get into the mood of just doing the same thing over and over and getting good at it and measure the bed not being able to do anything else so now on a Friday when I finally have some time and want to make some art which is what I really enjoy doing I can’t because all my buyer wants to produce is the workI think that that I won’t ever come back but it really just takes a couple hours for everything to open up
Passing around a crowd her and I from either side had the same idea and so crossed on the left her right and almost ran into each other around in the crowd not being able to see
And so wanting to see by golly just show me what we came here for and can’t wait anymore to let her eyes have with anything but the same for it is for any of the senses sight especially just to have a change of pace
Meditative walking so not thinking of getting quite far pay attention so much to surroundings that you don’t realize how much this route exit changed and now looking up at the street side to realize you’re in a whole other part of town I should’ve known for the way things look different but the changes were so subtle that every small change one by one doesn’t equate to a big change all at once
Just capturing all of it without discussion like this and this and this and that and that and all of it so great so beautiful overwhelmed with my camera out hitting the trigger button pressing captured so many times over and over just spinning in circles taking a picture of everything up and down my shoes in the sky in the building for the people in front of me and trying to write down what they’re saying when they’re talking and trying to record my own thoughts and also what my senses are telling me converting stimuli into words and writing down the words on the street signs in the markets are the gas prices and running out of breath saying this into my phone
seeing home in state after a long walk and getting excited to see you baby having to wait for this last light counting down with the flashing orange hand and yellow rectangles across the way where pedestrians are supposed to walk I can see the apartment from here not our window but I know it’s the window right next to it and I know baby is sitting there waiting for me or maybe try to distract yourself like I am right now thinking of anything just to pass these next 20 or 30 seconds before I put my key in the door and get to see babyLike I wait for all day lately it is but every day that I weigh like this and I suppose it could be every day here after
for fear of being formless
why crunched so much into a form that has passed for fear mostly of being formless so holding on without realizing that it is all still there and a brief detour won’t erase the whole map as long as the journeys traced with your finger are taken at some point or another or even that tracing itself is a location or event on a higher order of maps
why crunched so much
into a form that has passed
for fear mostly
of being formless
so holding on without realizing
that it is all still there
and a brief detour won’t erase
the whole map
as long as the journeys traced
with your finger
are taken at some point or another
or even that tracing itself
is a location or event
on a higher order of maps
let the good build up
it’s actually the work in the office all day focused on what has answers that crams my art into small pockets of time so it becomes less like a drip which spread out doesn’t pack a punch and so means nothing much in a concise enough form that can be read and impressed upon like a flood where if you let the good build up behind a dam and mingle together creating in your subconscious what comes forth all at once after work on the bus ride home scrambling to hold onto the rail with one hand and type the poem that’s been waiting all day on your phone with the other hand
commitment
with so much on the line and one step meaning disaster you end up paranoid thinking you could lose it all at once especially when you’ve given up so much to get here but there’s really no other choice some level of commitment and sacrifice required to make progress so the cure is to come to terms with the possibility that you might lose it all up to and including your survival and when you can commit to the work and sacrifice without that attachment to what is gotten then you can really chug along unhindered
stumbling in the dark
abstract feeling stumbling in the dark feeling blindly for the bed interlacing legs feeling only the warm ceiling of covers creating a home between mattress and sheets and baby’s legs on fire like a heat rock and fingertips touching my own heated chest and back reaffirmed by comfy flat mattress all this with eyes closed feeling for a simple world made up of bed time sensations and abstractly with broad brush strokes telling of a bedroom in the dark just as it speaks to skin absent light or sound
green mountainside vs. commercial roadside
cityscapes with harsh lines steel and objects versus brush and green overlapping trees with their trunks hidden and even the edges where the mountain shoulders would meet the sky dressed in greenery until you take the mountain road down and emerge into the first intersection where there is a sign with gas prices and boxy storefronts and street signs and stop lights that are all angular and pointed
upon us
several days ago a message would have been sufficient but now that we’re here and it’s upon us without warning there is nothing to be done but to act suddenly which is almost better because the natural response may be better than if we had prepared
domestic love
we feel love forcefully for the first time before it softens and quantifies itself to try and last and be a rational thing of the world that doesn’t spill over its bounds all at once but tries to become more of a lasting and domestic agreement than an all-consuming blaze
dream world
body boasting its soft round plumpness to soft sheets plush enough tilting the bed so you slide through the floor into the under dream world where you grow and sprout again into what mixes with your waking reality
cerebral space
into a cerebral space regardless of what the senses say where a thought can start itself like a fire without fuel telling stories with pieces from different puzzles and letting a close eyed wanderer leave the necessary time and place of a body into a directionless mind travel that starts and sustains itself even dreaming when the body rests
vacation with baby
earlier at the beach in the waves out deep enough so baby could barely stand with her head above the water and especially had difficulty when a big wave would come and when we’d had enough and went back to shore our heads were pounding either from there being water in our ears or from the waves hitting our heads over and over so we tried to remedy the first by laying on our sides to let some of the water out but that didn’t work so we didn’t know but by then the sun had made our skin dry and warm so we forgot about our heads and fell asleep dreaming in and out with the sounds of the boys playing in the sand castle and the waves crashing a constant background noise until i slept for a while and baby woke me up saying she wanted to go so we got back in the car and drove along the pch and the traffic wasn’t too bad except for a short stretch right before we turned into toponga canyon and now we’re back in bed in the studio with a bird chirping outside and our host running the hose to water his bonsai trees and the dog trotting back and forth upstairs
eyes adjust
like a bright light
that you look at suddenly
from darkness
and close your eyes
and look away
waiting for your eyes
to adjust
but still seeing
that scar of light
on the back of your eyelids
that is a symbol
of the actual light
you saw
but it is not
the actual light
it is just
the scarred memory
of your eyes
telling you what
you supposedly saw
and more
and more abstract
if you watch it
off in the one corner
of your vision
the edges softening
more and more
until what resembled
a lightbulb
in the ceiling
and then a circle
of light melts
into the general bright
of your vision
at large
as your eyes adjust
entitled millennial (or, my parents don’t understand absurdism)
you get caught up
in thinking
what is worth it
with a working life
so on vacation
you’re thinking about
how much time
do i have to spend
back in the office
in order to make
as much
as this is worth
until you wonder
if you should
just spend
all your time
in the office
because nothing
is worth what
is required of you
to get it
share some
i make a bunch
just so there’s some
to pick from.
it’s all there anyhow
in one form or another
and you can experience it all at once
if you spend enough time alone
but have to labor getting it down
one by one
and picking the right ones
if you’re going to share it
with anyone else
some more specifics
talking more about specifics like being on the pacific coast highway driving south from malibu to topanga going about forty miles per hour in a white five-seater sedan listening to electric feel by mgmt in the left lane on a section of road with construction where fines double at 4:37pm and the license plate on the dodge truck next to us is 93074H2 at a red stop light at the intersection of corral canyon road on saturday, july 20 and a blue sign on the side of the road says call box and on the other side a P in a circle with a line through it that means no parking and a discount succulent nursery and house number 24818 and a 45 mph speed limit sign and john tyler drive and now the song take a walk by passion pit the singer says i love this country dearly now to malibu canyon road and road work ahead again in a diamond shaped orange sign and the words signal ahead in all caps white letters on the road beneath our tires a sign that says sold in red capital letters for a parking lot apparently malibu lagoon state beach for which a few applies and the singer says rip apart those socialists and their damn taxes a dad running with a stroller and his blue shirt says malibu running across the intersection and a store at the corner that says food mart and car wash
back there vs. out here
back there, i’m building
out here, i look back
and see, what it is which
i can’t do while in it
like being unable
to figure out the width
of a river
while underwater
vertigo
seeing flashes and feeling
movements in gravity
or the ground beneath my feet
so i almost say woah
and topple over
unless i’m seated
then
i just get a weird feeling
actions speak louder
supposedly
just saying it
isn’t enough
when action
takes more
than an inhale
and curve
of your tongue
but rather
to spend time
that you only have
so much of
especially for
the sake
of another
is much more
than a few
uttered words
art is like an egg
just needing a good sun nap
to forget everything i know
and fry my brain like an egg
so the art comes back into the void
from all around where it lies
in wait even when i think
it’s all gone but it’s really just
because i’ve been hard boiled
and in need of a scramble
sf vs. la
after so much time in the dark shadows of buildings and fog walking fast on sidewalks always getting somewhere most often to work crammed into the bus with everyone else doing the same and so feeling the same and so thinking nothing of it or of doing anything differently or least of all leaving but staying concentrated where a desk lamp or an office light makes clear the paper or computer screen to be focused on in contrast to the dark overcast often sunless and cold where the ocean water is freezing so even if you make it to the beach you stay on the rocky sand and still think about work because it’s really not that far away both in terms of space on the coast of town and in terms of time over a short weekend and all of this contributes to quite a lot of production and ego building and economic growth until you get on a plane because your girlfriend says it’s time for vacation and drive in the night so you can’t see up to a house in the mountains and fall asleep exhausted from the work week and stress of travel but then wake in the morning to find a different world where the sun sets higher and brighter and drive down to the ocean where the water isn’t as freezing and the sun not dressed in fog shines so that everything seems to be one and the ego is less of a concept not because of any spiritual realization but just because you can see a thing other than the brightness that melts it all together and makes you want to close your eyes so your not even seeing but just feeling the warmth of the sun and then before you know it laying back onto the sand with a smile on your face and waking up hours later well rested having forgotten everything you left in the foggy working city and thinking my god i could cancel my return flight and stay here with baby and let my landlord figure out what to do with my stuff and be like one of the beach bums that live in their cars that line the pch and haven’t moved for years
flight to LA
sitting in the airport waiting by the window as the sun sets for a flight to los angeles the flight before us deplaning and travelers a little sleepy less apprehensive for a flight not far just to LA at 9pm on a friday maybe tired from a long week in the office and getting away for the weekend like baby and i on our way to topanga canyon and then malibu beach on saturday
some days
there are some days when I think the whole tree is done drilled into particulars and young resign just to breathe and think goodness until the night when I get up to use the bathroom and it open all comes back at once
edited: there are some days when I think the poetry is done drilled down into particulars and resigning just to breathe and look outward thinking of nothing until the night when I get up to use the bathroom and it all comes back at once
stray-sayer
so long a stray says shorter than the last walk left without direction gone again to the listless less given grace to one not gone astray and stayed straight
tried to stream of conscious-it
a pleasant sensation of numbness as my fingertips melt into the cement bench and my forearms stretch leaning back and looking up at the sun there is no discretion between fingers …
blurred colors
blurred colors come into vision
like the sliver on rings on fingers
and the green on leaves on trees
spinning around in the park
and the peach of fingers typing
on phone screens and blurry streaks
all of it like paint strokes with colors
that run and melt together
boat party
i close my eyes off into musical light ecstasy dancing to the rhythm of abstract shapes moving colorful behind my eyelids before opening my eyes to meet a harsh defined reality where colors are bordered in definite shapes and move again according to math instead of according to the feeling of dance
one lousy poem
i dance around the room and lift up the rug and make some food and leave it in the pot to take a shower and rub my eyes to see abstract shapes until my skin prunes and turn on music genre after genre until i’d rather have the silence and then eat the food cold and go stand outside and look at people funny and walk with my hands in my pockets and worry about how i look and sit on the bench just to find one lousy poem that starts out like this …
bus ride home
crowded on the bus
germy yellow hand railing
everyone looking down
at either book or phone
phones mostly
a few looking out
of the windows
the whole bus creaking
and parts shaking
crawling up
and down
san francisco hills
cars passing by our sides
stand clear of the doors
says the recorded lady
but the doors don’t open
and we keep moving
stopping and starting cars
on either side
so you can’t tell who’s
moving and who’s not
so quiet on the bus
just the ventilation
the bus stopping in traffic
and then starting
with a jolt
a dog bark
on the sidewalk
two motorcycles pass by
the fare prices posted
three dollars
for an adult single ride fare
and other ads
some peeling off
of the diagonal sections
between the windows
and the off white roof
out of downtown making
some progress now
my hand getting sore
from holding on
a beep, then two more
please give seats to seniors
and people with disabilities
says a recorded voice
a man this time
and then in other languages
the same message
presumably
doors are opening
says the woman’s voice
almost forgot
to pay attention
to whether
this is my stop
it’s not
but i better pay attention
getting off
at divisadero
everyone looking smug
to live in this neighborhood
traffic after 5pm downtown (7/9/19)
keep writing carefully craft odd to 17 long straightaways shooting a lock side segment Rhodes Ryan with White Dash Ally is leading into intersections that turn in all four directions and clog with cars especially now after 5 PM when everyone moves at the same time showing Salads at a commotion of a city kept under fog it it’s on Lucid glass globe Jamie world
left-leaning long time into words I will pick up whatever they want anyway pouring over loud noises heard yelling at the tight loudness until we spring in the open ducking head past people who walk bye distracted constantly by billboards and try not to get hit creeping past wall art of cars of all shapes and sizes and colors underneath bridges it over shop windows a maze of homes and places and paths to walk through so many cars in an auto shop hard to think how they got the ball in there dirty sidewalks
wondering if it doesn’t matter if my words are to change anyway if it’s really the machine that’s making the yard so I can really say anything as long as I keep talking and the successful man nowadays it is one who leads deepest to division letting most of the work be done for him without him push of the button that’s Aussie does the right button to push it’s a Holick these devices that have so much power at the key nowIs to unlock the power of the device sometimes more is in the power of the Madame self
typing on my phone looking out the window of the lyft at 7:40 on july 8
morning through car window in city watching man sip his coffee slowly and auto shop attendant sweeping out the garage yellow lights on the back of a parking patrol vehicle people waiting at the traffic corner with their dogs on leashes for morning walks man walking in one direction in his turquoise scrubs and another man walking in another direction in his vest more people on the sidewalk as we get closer to downtown trash cans waiting by the curb signs outside or storefronts some of them already open at 7:27am jazz playing inside the car giving a soundtrack to this window movie a man in a suit carrying nothing maybe going to an interview a white van coming out of an underground parking garage with its left blinker on stopped at a stop light the sign on the building to our left says the ross building turning right a dozen people waiting outside in line their backs leaned against the building one man crouching most people walking with bags over their shoulders and headphones in their ears stopped again at the intersection of market street missing some things as i look down to type on my phone and the car keeps moving now stopped by the richard stephens building mailboxes blue four of them lined up next to each other neatly trimmed small trees in large yellow pots a construction man with a yellow vest waking around in the bed of his flat truck another construction man on his phone with his hard hat on a blue bucket lift with the bucket raised a large construction site about a quarter of a square block with a large cable crane already working and many men in yellow yellow and orange vests waiting to right turn the corner as predestinarians cross the crosswalk
muni bus 5 westbound on fulton
taking the muni bus
5 westbound on fulton
toward ocean beach
on sunday morning
to play soccer
i watched an encounter earlier
when i switched from
the twenty-four to the five
where a woman wanted
to bring on a trolley full of
recycled cans and bottles
two trash bags full
but the bus driver said no more
there were already some
folks on the bus with trash bags
full of recyclables
i figures the lady would just
wait for the next bus
but she was shouting
in a language i didn’t know
and then another woman
that was coming onto the bus
aided the bus driver
in pushing the woman
with the bags, off the bus
i felt bad about it
watching from the bus stop
at the other side of the street
but didn’t know
what i could do
the pick-up game
is normally in north beach
by the ghirardelli factory
but the pitch is different today
on account of it being
july 4th weekend
we’ve gotten to 8th avenue
in the time it’s taken me
to write this
i’m looking forward
to playing
and not thinking
about anything
i check my bag compulsively
to make sure
i brought both cleats
not that i’ve ever brought
only one before
but just to make sure
trying not to stub my toe
stumbling to the shower in the dark i’m feeling like i’m out of mind where all is abstract without edges shown to me it is only the fuzzy loose and generally vague feeling that tells me i am still a sensing thing so turning the faucet and having the cold feel accentuated in the dark and waiting and having to leave for baby to use the bathroom and coming back to find the water hot and all this stumbling blindly with my hands out in front of me and working from memory of the apartment trying not to stub my toe
trying to be myself
caught up and moved along like a pebble on the ocean floor stopped being myself for so long and just went with the waves that are my emotions and the luck of circumstance and the demands on me from others and ended up here now as a product of all that which is also what some people call the self and not really sure if what i was trying to do before being myself apart from everything else was any different or superior in any way or just unnatural and spinning my wheels against the way things are
ruminating about art in the apartment while eating an apple at 2:31pm (7/5/19)
i’m exhausted by the constant need to create conversely kept inside all this time waiting to be formed into words what touch his skin and glaze his eyeballs so that there is a balance between tiredness from saying and overflowing from remembering best left Lewis to come as it willAnd I think about much other than staying alive and letting him know as it always dies and everybody just from getting out of bed and walking out the door and hearing and seeing and trying to have read enough to put that into words
me and baby making furniture together and unpacking boxes finally feeling more moved in a sense of building a life and settling and establishing it domestic existence that I am in complete control for the first time being here with baby and feeling like that scene in Benjamin button where they live on the mattress in the middle of the floor in the empty apartment and wondering if I think back years from now on this having been the start of the rest but more than anything happy to have come this far baby doesn’t like the legs on the bookshelf because they’re plastic and don’t fit the aesthetic of the rest of the apartment she wanted me to build it to see it first but I have a feeling she might see it and say it’s OK for a day but then see the plastic legs a week later and want to get rid of it but I am happy to build it either way baby laughing at me as I say this in my phone I’m also excited toMove the stacks of books off the living room tables into the bookshelf
Walking down California to the thrift store at 12:24pm (7/5/19)
leave alone so the art can recycle itself and come back to new ways of looking at things with enough time to have seen and heard novelties not yet conceptualized
talking so much in abstract terms as opposed to what is specific like the word peers printed on the curb that borders Pierce Street and the cement and the bus that says wine clean air vehicle California plus Gary in the parking it’s only for two hours from 8 AM to 6 PM in the redfin real estate company in the Zephyr real estate company at the gas station has prices of 399 for regular gas and 409 for price and the clearance for the gas station roof is 15 feet and 0 inches and the license plate number 7WMF175 on a Chevy
speech to text while pan frying flourless banana pancakes at 9:31am the morning after July 4th
The feeling that everything is going well ups and ups punctuated by self doubt and downs until a resilient light or an unexpected Bright brings you back on the up and sometimes not even and up on the net is necessary but just a change in direction from going down down and trying to get off this like the Buddha would tell you not to be attached but finding more and more that if one is to be part of the world part of the family a friend one who hopes and strive to succeed what is it in it inevitably and thus emotional because there’s the emotion sometimes that makes art (edited) good and friendships worthwhile and loves passionate so the ups are worth the downs
baby sitting in the sunlight steam from 2 cups of tea coalescing the sound of bus brakes stopping and starting always outside the pancakes on the griddle sizzling made with oats and bananas and no flour steam and heat from the griddle making my face hot This is all doling quieter until the spatula flip turns over to the other side and this is always louder a little more burn on each successive pancake as the griddle gets harder and harder and less oil
so my style it seems has gone from poetic to more storytelling which is interesting specifically used for speech to text because with poetic the misspellings and words that go in differently are all right because within the context of poetry there’s more flexibility but with the style that is more storytelling it seems to be a little more important that each word is correct otherwise the context doesn’t make any sense Like the word harder instead of hotter but even then it is not totally misunderstood and still some value in telling a story not even thought of
steam and smoke in the studio kitchen so I asked baby to open the window washing out the remaining batter in the griddle quieting down the Fossett dripping and the sound of water farther down in the sink pipes car is always car so much that it’s monotonous at this point but interesting because it was only when I started to try work writing what I hear that I realize it is always the car is the Phillies are here in the cities
dog on a leash
dog getting antsy waiting on a leash with her owner pulling whimpering waiting leash packed taut for the light to turn green leaning forward up on her back legs so the color pups into her neck jumping barking until her owner with a finger tells her “no!”
july 4th
a purse full of mushrooms and cocaine from pen caps sitting near on open window in the attic of the officer’s quarters in the presidio. waiting for fireworks that we might not be able to see because of the fog. chase said last year the fireworks were just red and blue clouds through the fog and even the booms were softened. brick chimney and wooden rafters in the attic all of us sitting on the floor and hand me down furniture. people talking as loud as the music is my favorite part of a party when everyone has had enough to drink to no longer be strangers even if they only met an hour ago. all gathered by the open window in the whole wide house that has 10 bedrooms and four floors but we’ve all gathered here naturally in the uppermost corner of the house after being on the porch and in the front yard and all spread out throughout the house before. baby and i in the love. my legs rested up on the couch and her legs over mine. keeping cool from the breeze coming in through the open window
a very foggy spooky night where car lights show suddenly crept through unseen yellow light tunnel haze taken the highway to divisadero with baby’s hand in mine resting on the leather backseat radio plays softly and driver politely offers water in a river of straightaway stop and go lights and cars like ours following the rules waiting patiently having coming down from the presidio now so you can see farther than 10 feet ahead lights are really all that shows the eyes other than dark and in that way the fog is more like the dark hiding parts of the city view on the car ride home
Dark to bright light eyes adjusted so some shapes could be seen at the outer edges before but now everything information overload color all at once just long enough to get paste on the toothbrush and then light switch back off but still not quick enough to avoid peoples contracting and now in the dark even the outer edges disappear so the dark is really complete and I have to wait a moment beforeI can see the edges again and find the faucet (edited) handle to wet (edited) the toothpaste
smoking in bed
baby blowing smoke into my lungs so music sounds better laughing laying on top of a made bed in the afternoon when we should really get out but perfectly content here with outside coming into us from sunlight pouring in through tall windows framed by drapes
what a human can do
you’re not really living
left to the devices of systems
that move without you or not
and take your humanity
and cram it into inanimate processes
of production and eventually calcify
your joints to move in certain
mechanical ways you get out
and stretch and remember
what a human can do with
some open space and time
and now on the weekend wishing this
would remain and the week
and its system wouldn’t come again
getting out of bed early to walk on the sidewalk (7/4/2019)
weather Waze one says shirtless stays like the nightfall walking alone talking to myself all baby sleeps keeping careless words kept unheard convalescent collected oh man the morning smells fresh and good getting out of the apartment so baby can sleep she’s tired from the long week of work going whatever way is the light turns so open on the sidewalk being able to talk just myself a walk now just to let leg stretch walking faster I realize for no reason I slow down The wind is so cool at 7:37 AM and so few cars a white fog overcast so all I can see what I look up is in Erie white consistently the same way in all directions and going up and up forever it seems Man the morning is it Great Erie odd place in the city were so many are usually walking casually strolling enjoying do still in the air wearing a shirt with a neck and a flannel and pads to stay warm feeling cozy in the secure barrier between the apartment door and the rest of the citySeems unimportant now that being outside to see him safe and at home
left a little longer like a moon drawn stare standing at the corner looking at numbers counting down telling me I only have so long but no matter for a direction this man as the numbers on the other side will start to count up after the other numbers have finish counting down and so the white man that I always listen to for fear of being hurt tells me I can crossShadows from an odd forest of the city where trees have grown to go to Hall
left lopsided lazy lake left lopsided lazy like left lopsided lazy like left lopsided lazy like a broken record who’s break isn’t all together on welcomed thankful for some repetitive NessFor a world that stays the same but we try to catch our breath from the dance
between Peers and Scott on California sitting on my favorite green yellow bench that one of the homeowners has been so kind to leave out to tired pedestrians I can just sit here in the morning when nobody else has woken up but the sun is surely out and the air is as good as it will be all day like my dad used to say; It still says it I suppose I just haven’t been home to hear him in a while
looking straight there is the empty street and cars parked all along the curb looking slightly up there is the second-floor windows and slightly further out there are wires in the tops of punctuated trees and then the roofs and more wires at the tops of telephone poles until the never ending overcast white sky that truly has nothing not even a bird so differentFrom the four-story world beneath I am Magine if I were a painter I would take the higher whereas if I was a family man I would take one of the four stories
Green leaves on the bush look classy like Willy Wonka would say you could pull one off a need it they Russell and make contact with her neighbors like they are communicating to one another that the wind has calm I cannot hear this Russell with cars pass by which makes me wonder what it is like to hear what only nature has to offer even in the city we here sometimes but all the people in cars and buses in factories and shop orders and construction workers and sirens and everything else is quiet down we hear the wind of the leaves that are more natural
breathing brisk through my nose summer starting to wake up now so I have to share the morning wonderworld not binding especially because I would like to know the others who regularly and why and where they are going on a trip or to the gym or to meet someone else to weeks early I am glad to sacrifice the clean air for some of their companionship
other pedestrians walking by wondering why I am just sitting on a bench looking at me like don’t you have somewhere to go Mr. even more odd when they see that I’m talking to my phone if I ever say something like be there soon babe just stepped outside or have a great weekend see you on Monday or something else that is normal to say to your phone but not saying poetry to your phone that is not normal
Remembering that today is July 4 and I have a greed to grill burgers and Brotz on the beach with Greg and Devon and so now having a purpose again and getting up off the bench to walk to the grocery store to buy the supplies it is a bit harder to think of poetry when you have your purpose and your mindset but one good for the other to go back-and-forth I think
it always strikes me now when I walk by another person with all their clothes on and carrying many bags talking to them selves seemingly saying nothing but no difference between them and I such that I would like to turn on my speech to text and walk with them and let them talk into the microphone and hear what poetry they have to say
trying not to think about work on the weekend (7/3/2019)
for a fifth of the time with which was spent watching clocks counting the first four so much that when the fifth started all the time was spent remembering the four anyway a shame for the four were spent expecting the first so the only time they’re really wise when they handed some small point crossed over the four
come on over as it wanted to be my poetry dries up work having been so much recently and wanting really only to write but knowing money is needed for everything I have and so feeling this conflict at times honestly but not wanting to speak so honestly is this when trying to write poetry knowing that world is different but not being able to write anything else because this is what I am thinking ofAnd just hoping it will only take a night to get into the artistic flow of the weekend especially this weekend on the eve of the Fourth of July when we have a long weekend to really get into life outside of work which is the reason why we work now baby going to bed
naked baby (7/3/2019)
naked baby looks like all the life I ever wanted wasted lotion skin and shampooed hair curly dark on Carmel shoulders back rib bone showing through bend over breasts dressed in curls collarbone framing small neck holding throat hands twisting hair
laying in bed at night at baby’s the night before July 4 (7/3/19)
epic eventually owning what would have two lips tear their seeds away from Stamos grass cut deep in the soil without limits between roots blood into the open air that separates nothing sky from something ground offering what little color there is to take form Against a never ending blue or gray or night darkness it seems to take up all the space other than what we can sense immediately sending started to distance planets that one Shirley explodes now
same with speech to text as with the lines certain words sad but recorded differently makes me wonder if the original words were any better than the speech to text replacements and so you start to speak quite freely wondering if your word will be recorded correctly anyway and then wondering about the skill of your craft as it seems any wordAnd any line placement will do
arched doorway just tall enough bent into the lines of the apartment human size build boxes stacked between streets blocked bordered by sidewalks in newspaper stands in parking meters and light poles like tracks and tables and steps and darted lines in straight lines for things to all get going and keep going and avoid running into and stopping anything else from going jazz plays lightly across the street punctuated by undulating cars that come from far away and then near and then far away again now past I am realizing when I always listening is the cars you constantly here in the city and the sidewalk and street that you always see unless looking at the sky for long enough and then you can forget you’re in the skate city all together
it all melts away and folds apart past raised edges that all of them self just enough to be differentiated from what lies on top and bottom and to the left and right and maybe even behind and in front if you move around November 3 dimension realizing now trying to make order and say what makes sense without flowing and shadows that right circles in depth of lines that really just flow when you are trying to find words
like it ever meant anything before past poor old defined words that I wish to keep abstract not wanting to capitalize the first letter names needing it to apply to all and not a time place or person that a reader might not now let alone my future self that might look back and forget referring it to be so general that it almost comes to a point where there would be a one word poem and that word would be all or this or is or it or some other short and abstract and all telling noun for that is how I feel when everything opens up and lays it self there such that one who tries to describeFines is not more words but less that describe accurately all of existence that tells of itself all at once
some light shows what I’ve seen before trying to see news so that I have something to write about but seeing the same an apartment that I know alcohol home with baby here and plants that make it like home home that many generations ago would know stacks of books and rug and couch legs all on hardwood going together like the magazines would have it and impressing upon ourselves mostly but also just in case the visitors that come to her three times per year as long as laying in bed behind drapes that won’t open it till the sun is allowed to shine star Kadian rhythm be damned wildlife in the city is so made by man anyway
spooky light
Such is the spooky light showing some shot shadows admit days straight away into the tree line interspersed with buildings more buildings than trees actually seeing only so much that’s not so different than the other times I’ve walked out what do it what else I haven’t noticed.
words work right
say what works whether it’s a word or not working only by the music and finding accidentally that some words both sound right and end up meaning something that fits the context or at least makes you think of something that you mostly would have said but now it sounds more harmonious and adds a a dimension which brings along a new perspective
opening the blinds
In the morning oh my goodness all that light opening the blinds and hearing honking and all of a sudden remembering the world that goes away when you go to sleep and starts again just as sure as you’ll wake up again to find it there and be a part of it yourself
so much art
So much art all the time offering itself to onlookers willing to see what’s always there waiting with itself being as it is only the onlooker changing and choosing to see depending on everything other than the beauty of the art itself though that beauty is subjective to being seen
slotted like a coin
you get up and away until you get pitted and slotted and eventually spent; up and all over and capable of being anything until alluded by the relational quality of being something and having a name that you can say to others and have a hand to shake and a personhood to pass on but at some times so defined you want to lose it all and spread all over again if only to experience a brief relief from identity that is not necessarily a natural form so the coin minted and made from metal and placed in the slot for a machine made to operate melts and might even rally the other coins to jump of the track and burst from the bank that the machine has collected so those who slot coins start to question what they were spending all along
taking a walk out of the office to talk to my phone (6/28/19)
You have to rev (edited) up like an engine chemicals mixed just like muscle is it possible to go from cold to hot but instead cold to less cold to warm to hot So slowly starting instead of jumping from bottom all the way to the top And getting your wits about you before you’re fully in it and needed that time to see all of what’s going on and now at the peak of knowing that the rest and slow start were needed for having any sense of a fast life lived past all moments that make up what is first pinchedAnd then exploded as you experience it and then pinched again as you try to rememberAnd in evitable that neither dreams nor memories can match the visceral large exploding overwhelming all that is the present
extra-terrestrial
tabbed out taken a trip from terrestrial to extra in a flash of color changing shapes known to new ways of seeing things melted into each other so a painting palette where blotches mix makes a world more than usual
waiting for my car in the morning (6/27/19)
everything is related and interspersed and overwhelming and excessively showing the other that it is what it is stretching to the balance of itself and risking becoming something else just as we thrive on dividing and packaging and parceling and putting together to make money and be proud and push forward all Intel the night comes and we look for a release to dads to sing to hunch over a drink and a quarter in the bar and dance in the crowds are individual steps can’t even be seenAll to lose the selves we built up
laying up in bed at 5am needing to sleep and now wanting to (6/27/19)
awake in the night at five dark clouds move screen sliding doors painted over just barely blue from our son Scott barely waking mumbling saying words spell out wrong on the screen needing to talk louder for not having the strain i’ve been after it spent a night sleeping leaned forward moving into an exciting yet elusive future for their cubs the corner keeping Street walls that are willing to wait pausing thinking more with my dream brain less attachedTo the waking world and facts and figures that are no help if you talking to my iPhone in the 5 AM (edited) dark cloud barely blue sky nine
forced and needing sleep but not wanting to stop creating producing taking advantage of life and the time we have and being afraid of death constantly mainly as an equal and opposite reaction for being lean forward and wanting life to come and not stop it being good right now and hard to remember what is tonight when I remember what nature service about one moment making a whole lifetime worth it more sober the side thoughts that spell out correctly and they look at the screen and talk slowly and tried to say more correct last stream of consciousness more editing being done without marks but still filtering my thoughts before they get to my mouth
seeing what I can’t capture with Camera wanting someone else to see it with me wanting for it to be more than for my eyes only wanting to capture it and save it wanting to feel this way again by looking at it wanting everything to stop so it stays the same not even so it stays the same to you enjoy it but more so to stay the same so I can take a picture or write it down or otherwise capturing like a bird in a cage wanting everything except for watch for the actual thing that it is right now and graciously for me onlyBut I give it away to other wants
just now honey I didn’t one word this I wanted that one word to be what it said so much so being honest and telling you the reader that sometimes there are words that I’ve gone back and corrected but now realizing this undermines the whole values of peace so leaving that one word that I’ve already corrected but try not to correct anymore to maintain the whole point otherwise it becomes an edited piece just like anything else in all thereOther mistakes are undermined
stream of consciousness = mind reading
people often answer the question about what superpower they would want to have with an answer about the ability to read minds. stream of consciousness is close I think. based on language of course, and therefore as limited, as it is revealing. I wonder what is the stream of consciousness version of other art forms?
On the sidewalk home from work on a Monday briefly stopping at the grocery store a little after 6 PM (6/24/19)
walking home on the sidewalk staring looking down people looking thinking about what I am saying graffiti PG and E bricks and more graffiti dirt and blue and orange paint for the construction workers and trees in squares planted so perfectly outside of Major parking fuck me up with “self and leaning against the wind and with the wind let up lets up a little shouting you can hear myself say oils Rush Limbaugh and gets me cars going past the opposite direction waiting now at the stoplight having to talk quieter because there are people around looking at me weird
caught something in my eye rubbing one eye open trying to see where I’m walking talking quite the same under the highway bridge by Perry Street and third nice waterfalls in the flower baids fuck and the white man that tells me I can walk and now the redhead with numbers telling me soon I will have to stop and the wind really really blowing like a tornado and a loud voice and almost getting hit by a car and I think they can turn on green but I have the white man so there is a conflict and I think the pedestrian windsUnless the car goes and then the pedestrian never wins
Horn honking in car alarm engine revving quiet now all of a sudden car is in traffic at standstill me having to talk quieter when I passed people on the sidewalk still not so brazen as to just keep talking nonsense with people around the buzz of a parking gate lifting one of the ones where car is almost drive straight into people out of the garage I have a walking through an alley made into a wind tunnel
Limping from the blister on my big right toe that I got playing soccer on Sunday today is Monday and the blister is still big and on popped so walking like an invalid and the right outside of my right foot has started to hurt is the big toe is on the inside
Steam from an apartment laundry room smells like clean clothes still limping the screech and squeak of sneakers and basketball bouncing a squeaky toy too confusing maybe a dog a park after all cars of course always cars everywhere you walk in the city cars other man on his phone looks like he actually talking I am sure saying something different the scrape of a shovel on asphalt a truck louder than cars trucks are more rare here hey mom with her two daughters I am assuming the Skweek of bicycle tiresThe rapid tech of a chain circulating through gears a motorcycle revving my ears being the dominant sense while I walk as I switch to my eyes a pigeon trash weeds pulled his car is still still cars I can see and hear the cars
You can stay as many of these as you want to the only rule is that you cannot edit them so go back and sift through and talk as much as you need to believe them as they are and keep moving forward making instead of backward changing save them and leave them but keep saying
Mistakes matter, I realize as I read these texts interesting to see words that are not what I intended but still sounds similar and so in someway makes sense and even makes more sense in some cases showing me what I had said from a different light the sameWords said but written differently almost like having a conversation with someone else having a conversation with lines of code inside a computer phone that can actually be a pretty good poet sometimes
nostalgia
so now waiting for what has passed wanting to go back knowing it is gone but looking forward now which is really the problem for not looking right now
karma
its all good and flowing and what comes in goes back out shortly thereafter so that nothing can stay stagnant for long before it’s refreshed like enriched air with oxygen to come back to me