The chicken or the egg

I wonder about the limits of being yourself. They say you have to play by the rules before you can break them. But they also say that just being yourself is the key to success. How much of myself is really me? Not much, I think. Unless, of course, all that we mean by “being yourself” is that you just stood there and let it all happen to you. Well, then everyone would be themselves by default. There’s no way to escape it. From whence does one’s self surge up? I am vaguely remembering Sartre’s essay on existentialism. How can the seed of yourself fall on anything but fertile soil? But then who put the soil down and who pulled you out of their seed bag and dropped you there? And these questions go on ad infinitum. So there is really only one true individual, and they are either the chicken or the egg. But we’re not talking about just any old chicken here. We’re talking about the Chicken with a capital ‘C.’ Or the egg with all the Alpha and Omega-3s you could ever ask for.

But I’m losing my head. Back to being yourself. Let’s depart from the true philosophy of the matter just for a moment and talk in practical terms. I think we can agree there are some actions that can be taken or decisions that can be made by an individual which seem to be willed or otherwise brought about by their own individual selves. In other words, we would not say of said actions or decisions that they were a result of the individual just following the rules or doing what everyone else is doing. In some way or another, an individual is capable of really doing something on their own. Now, I don’t think this claim really holds weight philosophically, especially for determinists, but let’s just hold it as an assumption for now.

Maybe it is an aesthetic argument. Because what I really want to convey is the sense of beauty that I get when I see someone who appears to be beating their own path. And I don’t think we get very many of these. Because the default is to walk the trail already traveled. Before you can even think for yourself, you’re already on that trail. And, if we’re subscribing to determinism, then the inclination to step off the trail might also be determined, which is why this is not an ethical argument. It is not good or bad to be on the trodden trail. But, oh, the aesthetics of the young girl in the dress running off into the tall grass and away from everyone else—oh, I want to chase that girl! I want to finally catch her in a glade and ask her all the questions that the travelers on the trodden trail could not answer for me. Why did you run? Where are you going? What have you found so far? Will you go back? Why? Or why not?

But how beautiful will her answers be? And herein lies the heart of the matter. Because it is beautiful to watch her run away—this much, I can understand. But how alien will she become? And how quickly? See, this is what I mean by the limits of being yourself. Because on the trodden trail, we can all understand each other. We have had relatively similar experiences, we speak the same language, we know the same people—we hold things in common; most importantly, in this context, our methods of communication. This is important for the aesthetic argument because how can something be beautiful if I cannot understand it? Now, don’t rebut too fast. I am not talking about complete understanding. A little bit of the unknown can be tantalizing. But this is different. I am talking here about not even a beginning of understanding. Something so alien that you can do nothing but stand there and gawk. Maybe there is some awe in the gawking. But if there is awe, then there must be some starting foothold into which your understanding has stepped. Otherwise, it is only hollow-minded gawking as your mind tries but fails to fit the experience into an existing neural pathway that isn’t there. This is the limit of being yourself that I speak of. It is the ultimate outer limit, so we now have a scale. The minimum of being yourself is the cookie-cutter human on the trodden trail. The maximum of being yourself is the girl that runs off into the forest who turns out to be a totally non-human alien.

Now, what does this mean for an artist? I think it comes down to appetite for the risk of being an alien. How far out are you willing to venture in order to find something new?

Theories

In the morning my theories about myself and the world and how the two relate and interact seem to be strong and resolute and I dare even use the dread-word “right.” But then the day comes along to muck that all up with its messiness and make me feel wrong again.

I am learning from my spiritual studies that that feeling of rightness may not come from the math and science and test-taking rightness I have known from school. It may be closer to the metaphysical truth of all of existence really being One and myself being part of it and feeling closer to that One when I am in the all-black, silent, unconscious night, and farther away from that One when I am in the differentiated, working world, feeling separate, more like a link in the food chain, and less like a drop in the ocean.

Run

Now I remember why I have forgotten why it is that I do what I do. Upon realizing recently, that I do not know why it is that I do what I do, I remembered this. Because I went about trying to figure out again, why I do what I do. Which is a funny thing, because I have been doing things all this time, but I cannot remember exactly why.

If I think of any particular thing I’ve done I can usually come up with a reason. For example, I ate breakfast this morning because I was hungry. But for all my decisions strung together, I can’t put my finger on a common theme, just disjointed ad hoc reasons.

So I started to think about it. I thought for a long time and took down notes and read some passages out of books. That is when I remembered why I have forgotten. I am not saying I know all. I do not.

But it seems there are some grim answers if you look hard enough, about why we are and what we should do. Upon thinking this thought, I was very depressed. And felt that I had experienced that depression before. I had, I knew it.

And that is why I have forgotten why I do what I do. Because at the point of my last depressions having stumbled upon these grim thoughts, I blindfolded myself and spun myself around and whispered a Truth in my own ear and pointed in a direction and said to myself, “Run.”

And so I ran. It took me a couple years to realize I couldn’t remember why I was running. So I’ll spin myself around again and whisper another Truth in my ear and set myself off running again.

Focus

In meditation there is a principle, that you can focus on your breath forever and never stop learning new things.

In philosophy there is a principle, that you can never know all that there is to know about a fruit fly.

For poetry, I believe that you could sit in the same room and never run out of poems to write.

Day and night

The day teaches us to live. The night teaches us to die.

I wonder if the nights start to seem longer as you get older. As of now, I can’t tell a difference. The days seems to be about as long as the nights.

Some nights are longer, when I can’t sleep. Or when I sleep deeply and achieve a dream that seems to last a lifetime.

For those farther beyond their youth, I wonder if the nights grow longer. For fear that death grows near. That a night of nothing—no sound and all dark—is not all too different from death itself.

midnight mass

I learn as much

Laying up at night

Listening to

The radiator wheeze

And the fridge whrr

And baby’s soft breathing

As I ever have

Up and about

Out in the day

Listening to words

Spoken with some

Supposed meaning

That I’ve

Yet to grasp

be more selfless

you’re not only working for yourself; you’re working for your clients, your team, your boss, and your future family. these people depend on you the same way that you depend on others. you have a responsibility to contribute as much as you can. you have your possessions, abilities, and life itself because of what others have given you—both from your nature and the atoms that were not yours until your soul enlivened your body, and from the nurturing that you received from your family, teachers, mentors, and peers. give back to this system with all that you have been given.

one big surge after a nap on sunday (08/31/19)

needing it all to be productive even wanting my leisure time to make more for me having gotten into this bad habit of looking at everything in terms of its value and looking at myself in terms only of what value i can produce and this value system being minimally investigated though i suspect it is based on monetary american capitalist fear-based material systems and i have let them get hold of me in an effort i thought some time ago to lean into it for a while so that at some point i would have enough to live comfortable and be released and able to build my own value system with enough “free” time — yet that time has not come and i am getting antsy but know that if i break early before my money is made then i will return to the same problem having not enough money to survive and slipping below the standard of life required for the value system i would build based on non-monetary tenets so i realize the two worlds are linked by the ends of the world’s monetary system and the means of my own idealist world i cannot yet surmise that a complete break is possible especially with the lingering suspicion that a human being animal may not be able to release from his nature whereas the monetary pursuit is an advanced version of the primal pursuit for food and shelter so really wanting to split from my nature and remembering again that this is not possible – which i would not forget except for the ethereal moments when the sky opens up and shines down on the earth in a way i want to look at the world forever or a feeling for a person i love overwhelms me in a moment which i wish would last forever such that i could exit time in that moment and have that be all there is, yet it is this trade, which we do not necessarily choose to make though i think we would choose it if given the option, where the barter for more space is always to endure more time. if you want to see, feel, hear or otherwise sense the world differently than you are sensing it right now then you must endure more time. and this goes on whether we like it or not more time always coming and brining with it subtle changes in space that sometimes you don’t notice, when you’re sleeping for example, and other times you notice very second, like the final seconds in a football match. and in those moments, in a small amount of time, we reach up to the ethereal opening in the sky, but then are pulled back earthward by our animal needs to eat and otherwise care for our bodies that might die if not cared for correctly

takes time what i want to blast all at once in one big surge like a dam holding back the largest river which breaks at only one point and the jet stream that comes forth from that small crack the force of a whole river coming through that one point but even more than that because the whole river must still wait patiently for that small opening so i want the same small opening but the whole river at once rushing through with a blast that could destroy planets the same as a thousand taxis through the entrance of one roll bridge or a thousand camels through the eye of one needle which is the same impossibility i suppose i am asking for in this case that which jesus said was impossible for the rich man to pass into heaven with all his belongings but i care not for my belongings but rather do not want to leave this earth here to pass into heaven which is what i suppose i really am trying to bring all at once the whole word into the ethereal much along with me and still be able to display it to the world as art making me realize now that the belongings which i am most burdened by are not my possessions but my attachment to others and to myself

long fast race

time is so full

and passes

quickly which

seems to me

an oxymoron

as i look back

and see not

so long ago

on the calendar

a moment

which marks

the starting line

of a race

which seemed long

yet not so

strenuous

even though

much was seen

and great

distance covered

so i wonder

which is best

to pass life

full and fast

or slow and

more empty

maybe it evens

either way

banal statement about poetry

“Poetry is the closest language gets to feeling” – a statement like this is banal because the person stating it is claiming a truth which barely belongs to him. An eight-word statement comprised of common words could almost be said accidentally, such that there seems obviously to be little skill involved in crafting it, and by extension, little mark of the crafter’s identity. It takes something wider and longer to truly test a statement so there is more room to make a mistake.

feel vs. think

people will always remember how you made them feel, long after they’ve forgotten the particular information you’ve told them (read this in a blog post, so true)

duality

building up

and tearing down

are two

sides of life

to construct

an ego

or destroy

a construction

to build and build

or let it all go

quarter tab swim

on a quarter tab

laying on the beach

the ocean called me

taking off my jeans,

flannel, shirt, socks,

and shoes

there were other people

on the beach;

lots of people actually.

it was a nice day.

i took off my clothes

and walked toward the water.

tripping, not conscious

of other people

watching me.

in the water, freezing,

didn’t bother me.

out to waist high

a wave came

i dove in and

under the water

everything ceased to exist. the ego already disassociates on acid. the body can still remain lightly with a subdued awareness of the senses. under freezing water, however, that awareness is obliterated.

there is only the freezing all over. and the roar of water forever. waves crashing above like the world is falling apart.

forgetting to breathe because the art of being underwater takes precedence for my attention. even when my lungs shout, return to the surface, i cannot hear them.

the art of nature at large overwhelming my individual need to survive. it making no difference whether my body, a small part of all this, will rise to the surface and swim back to the beach, or drown here and sink and become one with the ocean that i am part of in one way alive or dead in another.

i am therefore i should

i am what i am.

i am human.

of all things, ideas and intellect are highly human.

language is our tool for communicating ideas and intellect.

writing is the art of language.

i am a writer.

god fragments

imagine that every soul starts as the same undifferentiated fragment of One or God. then they are introduced to a physically reality of time and place. like a perfectly spherical and colorless marble. there is an alley of nozzles spraying different colors in different patterns in both directions. the marble is loaded into a gun and shot through the alley and then caught at the other end. this process is repeated for millions of marbles. every marble will look different after being caught at the other end. some marbles will be mostly unmarked, having luckily (or unluckily) escaped most of the color blasts. some will be completely black, hit by almost all colors. and others will be shades of one color. and this is just colors, without mentioning the patterns. the point is: people are like these marbles. sometimes we have a tendency to look to a poor man or a criminal and say that they are lazy or evil. saying this, from the perspective of our own lives. consider, however, that every marble was the exact same before being shot through the alley of color. like a blank canvas, each person is introduced to a world of change, much more powerful than their own will. we are the same, if not for our different experiences. if the marble cannot change its course, why would we blame or praise each one for its color and patterns? why would we not gather all the marbles together and wonder at the beauty of color and pattern. from the human perspective, fragments of the universal will, subjected to the art of time and space, and the story of a human life.

being yourself

part of having an identity is constantly choosing to forego other identities. the same goes for success; succeeding in one opportunity is largely dependent on committing and therefore passing up on other opportunities. successful people often say, just be yourself. it takes time to learn yourself and improve at being yourself. the same as any skill or profession. if you started with piano, then switched to flute after six months, and then picked up violin after a year of the flute, and so on—then you’ll never be the best at any instrument. you’ll just be mediocre at a few. the same goes for being yourself. if you are constantly seeing other la and saying, oh, i want to be like that. and starting to model that person until you see another person that you want to be like. then you’ll never be the best at being yourself. you’ll just be mediocre at being like other people.

the more i mature, the more i see the value of commitment. at its core, i think this is a deep issue. there is a competing duality between being ourselves and losing ourselves. we read self-help books and meditate to be ourselves and then get drunk or have an empathetic conversation to lose ourselves.

don’t think like that

Don’t think like that, like you can’t go on, or it won’t be much longer, or it’s not true, or the end is near, or nothing matters, or anything else that might be true, but doesn’t help you by its truth.

Because you can be illogically happy or illogically sad – those are the only options, humans are not smart enough for anything else. So push out of your mind any thought that might be true but isn’t useful.

Like I have some control

Sometimes I think I’ve done something, made it different than it otherwise would’ve been. Like I have some control over small things that aren’t quite set. Other times I think no matter what, it would’ve ended up here in the same spot.

i know i shouldn’t

i know i shouldn’t but i do it anyway – what really goes into this thought? do we know that we shouldn’t? or do we do it because we’re not really sure? and some feeling in the moments tells us to do it. so we go ahead without really taking the time to flesh out whether we know that we should or shouldn’t. partly because we don’t always have enough time to think about it. and even if we did maybe we still couldn’t know.

Thinking of what will be

Experiencing what is, thinking of what will be, wondering how what is will affect what will be, letting your thoughts about what will be define your experience of what is, letting your feelings about what you are experiencing be good only in the case that they are good for what will be, only allowing yourself to be a certain way, which is to say only allowing what there is to be a certain way, as you experience what is, and making these requirements for yourself based on what you want yourself to be at some point in the future, which is to say making requirements for what will be in the future—in other words, trying to control the future. All the time doing this in the present, to manipulate what will be in the future, instead of just allowing the present to be itself, and thus looking deeper into the experience of the present with your full self that also exists in that present, letting water run together with water, instead of always focusing the attention of your present self on thoughts of the future, letting oil try but fail to run together with water. Future thoughts are merely experiences of a reality that has yet to pass and thus are less clear and beautiful than the thoughts of a present reality that exists right in front of your nose and overwhelms your appetite for attention over and over again if you really look deep enough and never run out of things to see.

Like just now, I am high, unable to function too well in terms of what my experience will demand of me in the future, especially when I have to return to work, but I don’t have to work for four days, and all that my present experience demands of me is that I relax, and so I ask myself, why let thoughts of the future change my experience of the present? Especially when my current state of being high is actually better suited for this present reality and will certainly change, many times perhaps, before the future experience of going back to work according to which I am now judging my present self and for which I now prematurely try to change my present self, and as a result would make my present self more ill-suited for the present experience in favor of being better-suited for a future experience. Why does that make sense? It does not, I don’t think.

Or, with my writing, I paused because I was going to write something but forgot, so I stopped writing, and started thinking of what I had forgotten, trying to remember, thinking of what the writing would be if I could only remember what I had forgotten, thinking of the future of the writing and ignoring what I was thinking in the present, restricting my experience of my present thought process so that I could pull a thought forward from the past in the interest of a future version of the piece that I had conceived of only in my mind.

Spending time

Now that it’s over, even though I’ve been after it this whole time, apparently I carried nothing along, so that I have nothing to show for my time, nothing to hold onto that I can touch and feel and say, this is what I got for it. Only now that it’s over do I feel this way. I can still remember moments while it was still going on, when I would say “this is it” or “I feel good” or “oh wow” so that it is only in hindsight now that I wonder what was gotten, even though all along I would have told you that I was getting it and even exclaimed to you, this is it! Perhaps it is a function of my bad memory that I now feel empty-handed. Or perhaps it is the nature of time to lock anything good in the present whence it passed, so that the present that now finds me writing, which was only a future from the perspective of the past present to which I am referring, is a whole thing in and of itself, that cannot contain any of the goodness from before. I am a banker with a vault. I keep putting funds into the vault only to find that they disappear right away. Time is not like money after all. It doesn’t save. You have to spend it when you’ve got it. Spend it deeply and rightly and well, and don’t expect to remember why you spent it or what you got for it, because at anytime after, when you are thinking like this, and trying to remember what you spent your time doing, in that very moment you will have more time to spend, and you’ll be better off just spending that time, rather than trying to remember how you spent your time before.

Edit: thinking of this in terms of spending time for pleasure and then judging that time spent for output of some material or otherwise utilitarian gain, as opposed to being grateful and thankful for the pleasure you enjoyed.

fear as an argument for god

darkness isn’t just red and devils, it’s your identity breaking up, life having no meaning, and other more metaphysical fears. from where do these fears come? if not from our animal selves just trying to survive, from where then?

sex is

sex is the heights so that’s what you chase after when you’re overwhelmed and can’t take it anymore and rather than continue to contemplate yourself, you seek for something in which yourself can be reborn, but you’re really just trying to escape from that need to describe – that’s what sex is, escaping the need to describe, putting your obligation to live into your seed for the next generation to take up your burden for you. avoid this if you can. describe yourself. describe what there is. stay pitted when it’s uncomfortable. use words to describe like now as you’re in the club and you were thinking and you thought it was all too much so you said to yourself, why even try to write? but here you are writing it and you’re getting it with your words.

everything is art

part of my theory is that everything is art; any decent argument i’ve heard against this comes from our primitive need to classify and sort and make sense of the world. otherwise, everything is very interesting just as it is, and any creation of any kind is a contribution to what is—which is art, all of it.

If we knew

Imagine if we did have certainty and knew exactly what to do. How boring life would be. If we knew not only what we wanted but also how to get it. Then it would be like looking at a map and seeing the path drawn out so clearly that you’ve almost already traveled it and see little point in leaving home.

Metaphysics of individualism

There are two forces. One that wants me to dissolve, and one that wants me to stay glued together. Both have bearing on how I am to understand that word “me.” My metaphysics are either that I am an individual, in some way distinct and apart from everything else, or that I am a dynamic part, my molecules intermingling and only temporarily belonging to the body and mind that I call my own.

You can see how each of these metaphysical views have great bearing on how we behave as individuals as well as in society. For example, a capitalist model makes more sense if we are actually individuals and our gains are the losses of someone else, and vice-versa. On the other hand, a more socialist model makes sense if we consider that we all partake in the same Source and all gains and losses are counted only as part of the net for all humans (or all beings, depending on who you consider to belong to the Source) such that actions taken for personal gain are simply irrational if they result in a net loss for the whole.

Three rivers

The input will always be there as long as you keep going. There will always be enough to come in through the windows; the key is deciding to draw the blinds at the right times. Who you are moving forward depends on what you let in and what you keep.

If I am a river, I am three: stagnant, overflowing, and dammed. The third is preferred to the second, and the second to the third.

There is so much out there, welcome it in, this is the start. Drink from ocean, fall into a sky, hold up the weight of the world. The beginning is to grab for it, invite it in. To start, you just have to do something, anything. Like a sculptor, you first have to get some clay, before you can start to shave and cut and refine down.

Next is to discern. You have got enough to start getting rid of extra. Act as a sieve. Let water and anything else that is abundant and not the finest, let it pass through. Retain only the best, and place it in the miner’s pocket. You are the miner’s pocket, where he adds his gold.

Most make the mistake of never even stepping into the river. They stay safe and secure, but stagnant and dry, on the shore. The next few, who are still better off, thrash about in the water. They grow strong from swimming every which way, even against the current. They learn a great deal from their experience. But they are directionless. The best among us learn to move with the waves, traveling far and wide with the water’s natural power at their backs.

Separate physically, together spiritually

I believe that we are each separate, physically. But we are motivated by the same universal Will, share in the same One soul, or have a fragment of one God like Brahman.

This is either spiritually true in ways that we can’t yet verify certainly, or it is physically true in the sense that there was a beginning that set everything into motion and we are now just sharing in the causal aftermath of that beginning, linked to it and part of it.

We are one Will and many spatiotemporal slices

I was selfish before and they told me I was selfish but I was still reading Rand and my metaphysics were such that I believed our souls are actually individuated and we are ourselves, no matter what, maybe even after death—as I learned in Church school.

Now, my metaphysics being that of a unified soul. I am just a fragment of Will, subjected to a slice of space-time. I am less attached to myself. I am understanding, motivated even, to let my fragment of the Will widen, and work for the good of other space-time slices—other people, motivated by the same unified Will. It is all the same. We are all the same.

Visceral commons

I’m more concerned with what is visceral and common rather than with what is scientifically correct but esoteric. You can throw bigger parties with the visceral commoners.

Causal psychic

If everything is determined, then I think there’s a superhuman part of us that can tap into the causal calculations and predict what’s going to happen next. This is why we sometimes dream of things before they happen.

If everything is determined, then I think there’s a superhuman part of us that can tap into the causal calculations and predict what’s going to happen next. This is why we sometimes dream of things before they happen.

Plenty to worry about

There are plenty of things to worry about; if any one becomes too much, you can pick another, and another—you’ll never run out.

We’ll always worry. The key is to concentrate the inevitability on the right sort of things, and never to dwell too long on any one.

Creation story

The Will has to be individuated into an ego in order for effects to be realized in space and time.

The Self could not get to a goal as it was, because it is not the nature of the Self to act. The Self just was and nothing necessarily needed to be done.

The creation story begins when all of a sudden there was something to be done. And the Self created mankind, beings capable of doing. He gifted unto them fragments of the Will subjected to time and space—thus mankind is striving after what the Self needed us to achieve but couldn’t on His own.

Absolutes

There must be absolutes. Because to say there are none, is itself an absolute. Or, maybe it is to speak, is the only untruth. To not say anything at all, is truth.

An objective to start with

On one hand, you can subjectively play with it to make it your own. On the other hand, we need some objective to start with. You can chop up a tree and make it into a house, but there first has to be a tree. Or, you can roast a marshmallow and put it on a graham with chocolate, but there first has to be a marshmallow.

Similarly, you can write Lewis Carroll nonsense and made-up words, but there first has to be the English language. Or, you can be an anarchist and a vagabond, but there first has to be society mainly comprised of people who follow the rules. You can have a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but there first have to be sheep. You can have art, but there first has to be reality.

Order is the mother of disorder. Disorder depends on her to survive. As soon as everything is disorder, then there is only order. Then, in a twisted way, order becomes the new disorder.

The churn of space and time

Nights, like everything else, have slow beginnings. Nothing can start fast right away. It’s got to first figure itself out as a thing apart from other things in space. For the night this is clear. It is the darkness clearly set apart from the light. And then time will start to change it. And the changes happen faster and faster. Until the original thing explodes open and it isn’t itself anymore. And then a myriad of other things, born from the explosion, have their own slow beginnings.

My metaphysics inform my ethics: an argument for aesthetics

My metaphysics inform my ethics and aesthetics. “What is” informs “what can be.” I’m an artist and a writer because of my beliefs about what is. I treat life like a film or a story or a game. I’m relaxed because I don’t think there’s much we can do. And further, I don’t think much matters.

Defining “matters” becomes interesting philosophy. As most philosophy seems to regress to nomenclature, defining terms is paramount. By “matters,” I do not mean that nothing seems important. Of course, love and hope and friendship seem very important to the human experience.

For a while, I thought it was truth that mattered. If I could only know the truth then everything would take on meaning. Then for another while, I thought it was self-actualization that mattered. In some pseudo-material way, we have a place to fill in existence, and meaning is filling that space by actualizing or making real each of our individual full potentials, so I thought. Truth and self-actualization, these two seemed to “matter.” The only way that I can think to explain why it is they do not matter is with a crude economic example, or rather, a question: how do they spend? In other words, in what market do they have any value?

In our real-world economy, currency is valuable because it can be exchanged for goods and services, which are then used almost exclusively to satisfy our animal need for survival. So we get to a value at the end of economic motivations: survival. But I ask the same question in the same way that continually asking “why” serves the same purpose: how does it spend?

Once we’ve spent enough currency to achieve survival, then how can we spend survival? How can we spend the time we have to live? And there again we uncover another value like we are digging in a mine and finding diamonds. Time is a value. But how does it spend? It spends in terms of changes in space. What else signifies time? If the whole world were to freeze and not a single physical change were to take place, wouldn’t we say that time has stopped? So if we spend time by changing space, how does changing space spend? Maybe the physical world is connected to mental and spiritual planes—then the metaphysical possibilities explode. But the point remains the same: nothing seems to matter. And it doesn’t matter because nothing really spends.

I remain alive because the phenomenology of the human experience is beautiful and artistic and I like to watch and continue experiencing it just like I enjoy films and books. I’m also alive because the universe has order. There are rules to the game. I enjoy the game of life like I enjoy a game of chess or a soccer match.

Overall, I remain alive because I enjoy life. If I didn’t enjoy it, I would remain alive for the possibility of enjoying it in the future. Even if only for one moment of joy, that would be worth a whole life of suffering. And even if all of life were suffering, I think I would still find a way to enjoy it by some sort of detached curiosity. I believe in my experience, and I am so deeply grateful for it, even if it doesn’t matter.

Determinism

In a hotel in Farmington, Missouri, after swimming in the pool outside and having a breath-holding competition with my brothers, we come inside and see a small statue of a Catholic saint. I recognized it because I’d seen statues like it growing up. I recognized the woolen brown robes with the ropes at the waist and the bald head on top with hair on the sides. Only as I describe it now do I recall that the statue must have been a saint of the Franciscan order. But more than that, I write this because I am continually shocked by how people are inevitably products of their time and place.

First, I think of where I grew up. People are conservative and Catholic mostly because they were born in northeastern Kansas in the late twentieth century. I couldn’t have had this thought early in my life, because I myself was a product of the only time and place I’d ever known. When I traveled, I saw different places and cultures and read their histories to imagine different times. And those places have statues too, but instead of Franciscan monks, they are Buddhas or political leaders or animal idols.

The people I met while traveling were, almost without exception, consistent with the presumed effects of their respective times and places. This makes me wonder: who are the people that resist their time and place? And what are they determined by? These people who look for influence outside of what they are born into. Maybe they are born into the wrong environment, so they rebel against it and travel and explore until they find the right time and place. For the people who cannot access the time and place their heart desires, do they travel and search to no avail and then die feeling lost?

Are there some who exist who do not feel comfortable in any time and place, because it is so human, so physical and base? Are these demigods and prophets, or maybe even real and actual gods, or small slices of actual gods. I know I shouldn’t, but I am inclined to think less of people who are determined by their time and place. I think they are lazy and lack agency in their own lives. I think they float along like a piece of driftwood in the river and never really do anything but get pushed along by the current in whatever way. I think some very successful and famous people have even existed this way. And they were applauded and respected for doing nothing but floating along, just the same as other unsuccessful and poor and wretched people who have been punished and thrown out for the same exact spatiotemporal forces that aided the more fortunate.

The great irony is that, as you might have already assumed from my writing, I consider myself to be one who lives free of determinism, or at least rages against it the best I can, when in reality I am mostly likely determined just like everyone else. Even all my raging for freedom is likely determined. So that all my raging that I find so romantic and noble is no different from the determined lazy bum that never does anything in life and always takes the easy way out and even steals and kills. If he is determined by the same forces, he and I are the same, no matter what I achieve.

No different than a tree will grow tall when planted in good soil and watered, and a plant without will not. But is this any fault of the plant without? That it has not grown tall. And a star shooting in dark space at the edge of the galaxy will not light any planet. While our sun brings life and activity to so many creatures. But is this any fault of the distant shooting star? This starts to raise the question: how are we valuing these beings?

How are we determining that one is successful, right, and good while the other is failed, wrong, and bad. For the stars, for example, I’ve arbitrarily valued them based on the light they give to living beings, but is this an objectively true way to value a star? And for the trees, we value them by how tall they’ve grown, but is this an objectively true way to value a tree? And humans, we value based on wealth and fame, but is this an objectively true way to value humans?

This is another argument for why the study of aesthetics is more interesting to me than the study of ethics, because all value judgments reduce to non-truth claims. So not only are living creatures seemingly not responsible for the their choices and values that result from their determined conditions (except for those godlike humans who seem to have gained control of their own will), but even the values that do result from determined conditions, if we were to judge them and ascribe their good or evil to an agent, we have no standards for what is good or evil.

So this is my argument for art, for aesthetics over ethics. Because life is like a film or a game, where we can experience and appreciate and express gratitude and enjoy, but as far as responsibility and justice and morality—these all arise artificially, mostly via social controls, from our base needs for survival.

My ego is stretched

I start to get anxious as my identity expands. My ego is stretched and afraid for its survival. My recent metaphysical view has eased this anxiety. I believe in a Will or a Self that is universal. Something that we all partake in. A driving life force that animates our bodies and minds. What we know as the individual ego or self (lowercase ‘e’ and ‘s’) is merely a manifestation in time and space of the One Self-at-large (uppercase ‘O’ and ‘S’). So that when I feel my self stretching beyond its limits, I first remind my physical and mental self that I am only what I have experienced in time and space, then second focus on my breathing and remember that my true nature that shares in the Self-at-large as well. In this way, I am still comfortable to expand my self and try new things and assume new identities while also committing to the spatiotemporal reality of my experience and existence.

Game

You got yourself born into a game. Just follow the rules and relax. You aren’t the game master.

Life is a game

The rules and values are arbitrary, yes. Maybe they are conditioned, or socially imposed, or even just an illusion. How we got them does not matter. It only matters that we do, in fact, have them. And that “fact” need not even be true in the material sense. So long as it is true phenomenologically. For our philosophies need only be humanist. Because when we say “our” we are referring, of course to ourselves. Here is where I make my first assumption, and it is a metaphysical one: assuming that “we” are what we experience, or at least this is what we our concerned with during our lifetimes.

Now, why it matters that we do, in fact, have rules and values, even if they are arbitrary. Like the rules of any game are arbitrary, but there is still a way to win and lose. Chess, for example, has rules. The knight moves in an L-shape, the game is over when the king is “checkmated,” and so on. Now, arguments about why the rules of chess are as they are would be fruitless. In practice, it would be ridiculous for a player to spend mental energy thinking of “why” the rules are as they are. Instead, he must devote all his psychic powers to his next moves and defenses, if he hopes to defeat a formidable opponent.

Samely, there are rules to life generally. You must drink water to survive, sex creates new life, and so on. This may seem obvious, but consider that it just as easily could be otherwise. Our material (or what appears to be material) universe is mostly predictable and only slowly dynamic. This is what Hume discusses about being thankful for the order of the universe. So my philosophy is this: remain thankful for the order and the phenomenological nature of the universe, and play by the rules to win the game.

Causal prison

We were born into prison, bondage of cause and effect, we cannot break out of the time and space that we were born into, so that we will only experience the few causal reactions that are determined by the space and time to which we were appointed, and thus the short, subsequent period thereafter which would be our lifetime, turned out to be a prison, relative to the vast expanse of the rest of the universe that we cannot experience (unless we live many lives).

Chasing after the great book

I am chasing after the great book. I wonder about what the world would be if Homer or Aquinas or Voltaire or Hemingway had not written. And I am arrogant enough to wonder to myself, what if the great book is within me? And who am I to thieve the world of it and not pull it out of myself. Miles I have to go, indeed!

I am still catching up to the greats. I can feel myself understanding more of Nietzsche. Even writing some of his ideas, only to discover that he had already written them before. I read Nietzsche and discover what I have only fumbled with in my own mind, articulated so clearly!

Yet I have one advantage: I have come after these great minds. I have the distinct advantage of being born at such a time that it is possible for me to read them, as well as the greats before them. Whereas they only had the advantage of reading their own predecessors. So if we assume that at least some knowledge is passed along and built upon in human history, then I have just slightly more intellectual wealth to draw from. Thank god it has been recorded! And woe for what has not.

And I cannot skip ahead. There are still things that can only be understood in the present lifetime, things that must be felt and seen and experienced in the real present. So that it is not possible just to read the last great and understand everything. Still I must read everything. So in this way I have a disadvantage, or, a greater challenge rather! In that I have more to read, more greats before me than had Nietzsche, owing to the addition of the few greats after his lifetime and before mine.

Tragic, that it is necessarily an individual endeavor. For even if I do write the great book that I am chasing after. It will only contain a fraction of the truths. The other truths must already be present in the heart of the reader. So that the great book that I hope to write is really only the key to a larger enigma. The key alone is a beautiful work of art. Like looking upon the peak of a tall mountain. But only the actual climb partaken in, only therein does the whole truth reveal itself.

Ubermensch

What if the ubermensch is she who understands higher truths yet understands that her role in all of existence is lesser? So she has to play the role the best she can, even though she knows the higher truth and that this life is just a spatiotemporal slice of the whole, but still her place is here and now. Like having the mind and soul of a god, but still the body of a human. Could the human form even contain that.

Per usual, Nietzsche precedes me and articulates this better than I can in The Birth of Tragedy:

“Suppose a human being has thus put his ear, as it were, to the heart chamber of the world will and felt the roaring desire for existence pouring from there into all the veins of the world, as a thundering current or as the gentlest brook, dissolving into a mist—how could he fail to break suddenly? How could he endure to perceive the echo of innumerable shouts of pleasure and woe in the “wide space of the world night,” enclosed in the wretched glass capsule of the human individual, without inexorably fleeing toward his primordial home, as he hears this shepherd’s dance of metaphysics? But if such a work could nevertheless be perceived as a whole, without denial of individual existence; if such a creation could be created without smashing its creator—whence do we take the solution of such a contradiction?”

Practical and abstract truths

Practical truths are the truths from this world and abstract truths are the truths from other worlds. Practical truths are popular among the majority for their applicability to our first plane physical world to which most humans are still evolutionarily addicted.

And abstract truths are popular with the minority devout religious, drug addicts, hermits, scholars and philosophers—wise men that rise up and out of the physical plane in this one world where we presently live and up through the mental and spiritual planes to discover the other worlds. In these other worlds, abstract truths are the fundamental principles of life.

These wise men, who have traveled to other worlds in their minds and souls, they must first have experienced something in the physical world to allow them to rise up. They may have encountered mind-altering drugs or many years of formal education or devout religious meditation—anything that would have given them access to the second mental plane and the third spiritual plane and these “other worlds.”

One

Let us assume there is a whole pie that represents the primordial Oneness. And each individual real empirical person is a slice of the pie. What if the slices weren’t equal so that some people had a larger slice of the primordial One than others. The biggest slices of pie were the most woke spiritual leaders like Buddha and Jesus.

Liberation

If it doesn’t matter, there are two sides of that coin. In one sense it’s depressing because there seems to be no goal or purpose. In another sense it’s liberating. If there’s no purpose then we’re free to do whatever. And we know what feels good and what we like. So it’s like we got access to a free amusement park ride. Like a ferris wheel is never going to go anywhere. It just spins on its axis. But it’s at least fun to ride.

Ubermensch

Now that god is dead, and we are morally bereft, these new values of the Ubermensch must be motivated by a love of this world and of life.

This

It is this, here and now, that we have. All the other-worldliness that my catholic mother promised me may not be. We have these days and these bodies to live. That was our philosophy. Why we danced and loved and created and did all that we could. Even if it wasn’t much. We were justified in that we were making do with what we had. So that when we were exhausted, we were satisfied, and did not need anymore and could sleep. And at the end of a life, we hoped to feel the same: satisfied, and ready to die.

I think of death

I think of death and remember that life is precious.

I think of death and see a bug crawling on a blade of grass and it is so beautiful that I start to cry.

I think of death and pay attention to my senses. It is a marvel that I can experience the physical world this way. I imagine what it would be like to have no more sense experience. I remember that life is precious

I think of death and am grateful. I have already lived such a great life. I picture my loved ones and our moments together.

I think of death and write, in an attempt to live on past my time.

I think of death when I am exhausted and beaten. I wonder if I might welcome it now. No, even this I can endure. And death will be a whole other life when it comes. This, even painful and downtrodden as I am, I prefer this, just so long as I can go on living.

True

What if it’s all true? Everything that anybody’s ever believed or known is true, simply because there was a reason for it. If the truth is just whatever is. So that whatever is, is true, whatever it may be.

Dionysian flow

Sometimes I let myself fall into the Dionysian flow, when I return to my true nature as just part of a larger reality, floating along according to cause and effect. Only when I am Apollonian, focusing on my self-created structure, can I affect my life like a god.

Why fear hell?

Does a skilled meditator have any reason to fear hell?

I remember challenging my teacher in theology class at my Catholic high school. I asked him, “If the wafer and wine really is the body and blood of God, and the congregation believed it, wouldn’t they grovel on their hands and knees, even through broken glass and hot coals, just to be in the presence of God, and even more to consume him?” I remember also asking my mother, “Do you think people at church might fear hell more than they love heaven?”

I sometimes ask myself why I don’t go to mass anymore. I think according to Pascal’s wager, if there is only the slightest chance that it is infinitely true, then doesn’t it make rational sense to believe?

But this was before I started to learn of the East, and began to have firsthand experiences of the One and Consciousness and a higher reality that made itself known to me personally. So now I wonder, “Does a skilled meditator have any reason to fear hell?” If we carry on living in our bodies after death and experience hell this way, the same way that we experience pain here on earth, wouldn’t a skilled meditator, given enough time, simply reach nirvana and remove himself from his senses and the pain of hell and never return?

What to study

When it came time to decide what to study, I thought of mainly two options: the human species and the rest of the natural world. At first, I wanted to master the whole of everything, to know math and biology and natural history. I said to myself, “Our lives are determined by the world in which we live, let me learn it.”

But each discipline uncovered a vast abyss that refused to be mastered. I could not learn all of math. I could not learn even the full life processes of a fruit fly. Or the recorded events throughout all of history as they actually happened. I felt small and ungodly to not be able to know, especially at this time in history when to know is so valued.

I focused my efforts and what seemed to matter most. What mattered most, objectively, I did not know. What I did know, or at least so I believe, is that I am, ironically, because I think. And because I am, and I am what I am, I thought that is was what I will study, myself and my species. This is the abyss, which I have found worth the time to struggle to know. Because even though I may not be able to master all of it, or even a tiny fraction of it, every small smidgen of progress is a journey and adventure into myself and the people I love.

I used to think I needed to know more truths to make more money, but money is a man-made thing and truth is not; what I need to know more of is man.

And so too with love: I used to think I needed to get stronger and more attractive and richer; but I really needed only to know more of love itself.

Eschatology

In the absence of eschatology, a lifetime is a mere matter of personal preference as far as how we spend our time. Meditation and prayer, hedonism and asceticism, vice and virtue—all have consequences for the lives we live. But none of these are infinite. The real deciding factors would be the infinite consequences; about these, however, we know very little.

Ego

I’m ego-obsessed. I want power, intelligence, and love. I’m constantly self-focused to make myself better. Even my relationships are conditional on that person making me better.

I wonder: Does this keep me from loving to my fullest? And from truly empathizing with others and writing characters other than myself?

There is a tension: Between me, as separate, acting for the good of myself, and me, as connected to the One, acting for the good of all unified creation, of which I am part.

I must die to myself. It is not my true nature. My true power to do good comes from the One. My highest happiness comes from connection to the One. I’m cut off from the true nature of existence when I’m trapped in my ego self.

It doesn’t matter what I do, as long as: I do it with love, and to the best of my ability. Returning to reality the potential energy inside of me, and letting it return from reality back through me. Remember, that we are all One: every human is you, with you, in the same unified whole.

Love

It is difficult to truly love when still attached to the ego. Because the ego is motivated by itself. The highest love from the ego is what Rand describes: an acknowledgment of value in the beloved, based on the lover’s value system. But you see how this is necessarily self-motivated.

In other words, “I” have this need for love, and it is specific to my own philosophical values, so that the highest love of which “I,” in the sense of my own ego, am capable, is to seek out the “you” which most perfectly satisfies my philosophical value system.

This, is really only an intellectual graduation from its physical antecedent in that we are sexually attracted to the mate that is best suited for our evolutionary value system, i.e., most likely to produce offspring that survive and excel in the physical world.

However, when one comes unattached from the ego, and finds oneself rooted as part of the whole One, it becomes unnecessary to concentrate and channel love through this one particular, justified, and logical Randian framework—albeit, this framework seems to be the highest love on the mental plane, and therefore of the Western world, in the sense that it is at least not random, and the greatest thing one can achieve mentally is to be right, and insofar as we say that what is “right” in regards to human decisions is what is rational, i.e., what is “best” in the sense that it produces the max utility for said human, and utility is relative to the desires and the intellectual value system of said human, then we can call this the highest love in the same way that we would say economically that a perfect buyer and seller have met in the marketplace and found a sort of synergy to produce the most value and therefore are motivated and self-interested in a very logical way to “stay together” and not buy from or sell to anyone else in the market. Still, this is a lower love than one unattached from the ego.

When we detach from the ego, we gain access to a much higher and “bigger” love, whereby we are no longer the same “I” attached just to our one body, mind, and soul with a particular set of interests and values all within our one self. We have now graduated to what seems to be our truest self as part of the One—all of creation as one interconnected living organism—whereby we tap into a much larger need and ability when it comes to love in that we are part of the motivation system that rules everything, which is motivated to love everything, and therefore unlocks us from the pigeon-holed Randian mental love and gives us both the power and desire to express a much “larger” love unconditionally to everyone and everything.

Rand was on the right track when she wrote in The Fountainhead, “To say ‘I love you’ one must first know how to say the ‘I.'” She understood the necessity of knowing ourselves in order to love anyone else. But the Randian “self” is solipsistic, and unaccommodating of a metaphysical reality with connections between us all that make us all part of the same entity, and thus makes possible this “larger” love. 

Action

When things take on a certain simplicity as far as what is important, I can commit to action; but this assumes that that for which we take action must be important, and of course the standard for importance is also in question.

Fickle veil

The concept of not having something seems to me so fickle; so too with the concept of something having not yet occurred (future), or having already occurred (past); time and space are very thin veils between what there is here and now.

My philosophy of time

The philosophy which will improve my life, which will give me the courage to exhaust myself with every most minute unit of time, is this: this time, for the next however long of a moment, will pass no matter what, and I, as a dynamic spatiotemporal creature, have the power to do anything within my power, and the only sure way to find out what I should be doing, is to do. Whether to think, act, create, love, or be; I will, because I can, and therefore I must.

Maximize

If you are really going to maximize a day, you cannot just head off at hurtling speed in any direction. It is just like a lifetime; there is a balance between present and future, between pain and pleasure.

See

At once to think it is all here in front of me and I need only look into it deeper in order to see the rest; but then also at the same once to think I am only seeing one here in front of my eyes and there are so many more and I haven’t the time to see them all.

Seeing

What is it about a view that makes me feel, is it the memories of my other senses? That I have climbed a mountain with my feet and smelled the trees that stand on it, so that when I see the scene now it is my eyes reminding my feet and nose. Or is it just the colors and shapes for my eyes—I doubt it is this objective and aesthetic latter, but is instead the former: the whole body and mind remembering via the eyes.

Neo-religion

This spiritual revolution has already happened in some sense—it is the religious revolution that began with caveman animal spirit drawings, mythology and monotheistic Judeo-Christian religions. The religious revolution demonstrates the great extents to which humans will strive in the physical world for spiritual utility. Only this revolution was based on faith and ended with the beginning of reason. The new spiritual revolution will be based on reason and science, at least to its bounds; bounds, for which reason and science will themselves argue.

Spiritual singularity

This certain point in history, when we realized our scientific success was linked to an increase in our quality of life, and so we were ordered biologically to pursue scientific success that satisfied our animal selves. There is another certain point I expect in the future when our spiritual success will be linked to an increase in our quality of life—then will begin the spiritual revolution. However, the question remains: wether our quality of life will continue to be based in our animal selves, or if it will rise up into a higher spiritual tier of needs at the peak of Maslow’s hierarchy—such a tier is likely to be up and outside our physical world and bodies.

Spiritual revolution

In the same way that man has made great scientific strides in the past few centuries to understand the order and cause and effect of the physical world, I can imagine another period of great spiritual strides in the next few centuries to understand the order and cause and effect of the spiritual world. I only wonder wether order and cause and effect are the correct nouns to describe the functioning of the spiritual world, or if there are other nouns I don’t know yet—being a product of the scientific revolution, myself.

Amoral art

A solid philosophical belief in amorality is very helpful for an artist, because you never again have to take anyone seriously who says, “you are wrong,” and means anything by it other than: “I don’t like your art.”

Enlightenment

The Enlightenment advocated reason as a primary value of society; only that reason is an unstable foundation for society, if it reduces to uncertainties, especially in ethics.

Morality

Instinct is the moral code born in us; survival is its supreme value. As society became essential for survival, a new moral code of social law sometimes superseded instinct. And now there is reason and it’s supreme value is truth—only a certain absurdism comes from there being nothing certainly truthful about morality.

Choice

Everything is a choice. Sitting still is a choice. Not choosing is a choice. It is the nature of a spatial choosing thing that, in time, it is always choosing—every second affecting matter somehow. What we do affects what is—ourselves and everything else.

Choosing is what we call action by a thing with will. For everything else it is just acting. And everything is always acting.

Catholic suffering

Where the catholic suffering doctrine turns back on itself: a true catholic should follow for love of god and not fear of hell, but assuming there is a small population motivated by the latter; why would a benevolent god allow for a hell? And if the cause of hell is to fall into certain vices on earth which are actually the fruits of human life, why would we not claim our heaven now and suffer eternally, as opposed to the catholics who suffer now to live joyously forever—other than, of course, a utilitarian logic like Pascal’s wager. Why would I not disobey a god who gives me an ultimatum, just like a catholic martyr who disobeys a king who threatens who threatens him with death if he does not adopt the state religion. Is not an atheist a saint by the same definition? Choosing the long death of hell, in exchange for a humanist life on earth.

Balance between east and west

Something between the Randian obsession with american industrialists and Hessian obsession with eastern ascetics; Hesse was closer to the balance of the two, but Hesse focused more on a philosophical exactitude rather than an economic.

The right way to live

A new friend told me that she just wants to have the highest quality of life possible, and she uses her biological remnants as her guide. Which reminded me of something my philosophy professor once said: you should be guided by appearances for practical purposes; all you’re refraining from is making truth claims about those appearances.

The common principle being a dichotomy between what actually is and that according to which we do in fact live (which may or may not be). It seems what is and what we live by are not necessarily the same, but there is also no obvious reason why that should be cause for distress.

It is hard to live without an idea of the “right” way to live, because otherwise how are we to make decisions? But need there actually be a truly right way to live? Or is just a conception of the right way enough? Especially if our realities are created by our own minds. Doesn’t our conception of the right way become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But there’s also a back-up plan: art. In the absence of meaning and morality we have art; for me in some sense, everything is art—it’s just what is.

Justice dice

Do I think what I should, or do I think what I’m caused to? If the latter, and if in order to do, I must think, then should you jail me? Or do you just jail who you’re caused to? And so justice is a game of dice. Who am I to thank for my good roll?

Balance of opposites

In pursuing happiness I seek also its opposite. Like white from black and life from death, happiness is implied by its opposite, was simultaneously born with it, and now codepends with it.

In pursuing satiation I seek also hunger. In wishing for pleasure I wish also for pain. I think we associate happiness with satisfaction of first plane desires on the “good” ends of these balances. The “good” ends are those that our conditioning prefers: satiation, rest, sex.

However my second plane mind tells me of gluttony, sloth and lust. And that there is too much of a good thing, not because I have read so in religious dogma, but because I have personally experienced the extremism of eating constantly without allowing for hunger, rest without intermittent work, and sex without intermittent chastity.

Because the “goods” imply their opposites. True virtue lies in the balance, and a greater virtue comes from extending the heights of the one and the depths of its opposite, to undulate with a wider amplitude. And there is a balance between itself and unbalance in order to allow these amplitudes to increase, to allow for extremism on one end in order to return higher (or deeper) to the other end.

On the first plane I pursue the “good” for which I am conditioned. On the second plane I pursue also the “bad” because it amplifies the “good.” On the third plane, however, I begin to rise up and out of “good” and “bad” and into wonder and awe and gratitude for all experience.

On the first plane I take hot showers. On the second plane I take cold showers to amplify my hot showers. And on the third plane the shower is neither hot nor cold but only water, for which I am thankful.

Appearances

You should be guided by appearances for practical purposes; all you’re refraining from is making truth claims about those appearances.

Washed

The old ascetic floats for the first time: “I have washed my vessel clean. Only the present world moves in and out of me. I am only ever at once: memory meeting present experience. My memories too washed clean, reft of their morals and baptized in their original nature as past presents.”

Time remains a human crutch to wobble on in order. Like Hume says of cause and effect and the creation of custom, so too is a present utterly nonsensical without past or future, having come from nothing and going thereafter to nothing.

Absurdism as a Pessimism

The absurdist claim—life is nonsense—seems to me an arbitrary value judgment: for is life not also plenty of sense? Think of how much there is still between us and absolute chaos. Do we not then have some order and sense about how we might live, albeit not the whole picture. But history has sentenced people to death with much less than a whole picture, so might we get along and live with the puzzle pieces?

Too simple a way to view our life: certainty and uncertainty. Why must that scale be the only place where we find meaning? Do we not find meaning in uncertain art? The mathematician might say we feign artistic meaning. But by what justification? By his maths?

Morality of moralities

When I ask myself, “What should I do?” My next question is: which one of me is the “I” referring to? Or, from which of my moral frameworks is the “should” derived? Then there seems to be a morality of moralities. A decision framework for selecting one of many decision frameworks. A higher order morality that chooses which morality to apply in each situation. But does this cause an infinite regression?

Names

People have names for the same reason that books and songs have titles. We like to be able to call it something. Even though, as Sartre notes in Nausea, “Things are divorced from their names.”

Names of things don’t really make sense. Form doesn’t match function; the physical thing isn’t represented in the sound. Except maybe in the case of onomatopoeias.

Nietzsche writes in Zarathustra:

“My brother, when thou hast a virtue, and it is thine own virtue, thou hast it in common with no one. To be sure, thou wouldst call it by name and caress it; thou wouldst pull its ears and amuse thyself with it. And lo! Then hast thou its name in common with the people, and hast become one of the people and the herd with thy virtue! Better for thee to say: ‘Ineffable is it, and nameless, that which is pain and sweetness to my soul, and also the hunger of my bowels.’ Let thy virtue be too high for the familiarity of names, and if thou must speak of it, be not ashamed to stammer about it.”

There seems to be a hierarchy of meaning from names: highest, there is the kind where we do not name it at all—this is what Nietzsche recommends. In the middle, is a diversity of names that allow for some differentiation—this we do with books and people. We say this book is non-fiction and its subject is automobiles; that person is a mechanic and a deist. We say as if this nomenclature is exhaustively and perfectly descriptive; though it comes closer than the lowest, it is not perfect. And the lowest, when we have one name for a diverse thing.

We have one name for love, as if it were describing one thing. We bring our “love” to the herd as if we had it in common with them. We say, I am in love! As if it means the same thing. And we set parameters, guidelines and expectations that are the averages of other loves, most usually those loves proximal to our time and place.

So too with justice. Justice is a general concept, but surely its applications are ad hoc. Not to mention that there are competing justice models and we have not agreed on just one. So that it is most appropriate when someone says, “That is just!” The most appropriate response is: “What exactly do you mean by justice?”

Surely love and justice are general concepts with Forms of which there are many different conceptions. Just as I am, and my identity is, something like a Form with many different renderings in reality.

Let I and love be ineffable. Caress it and pull its ears!

Boat and river

If there is no free will, then our loves are happenstance and life is just a sensory experience. Like a boat rolls down a river, the design of the boat and all the water of the river is set. But this does not mean you cannot enjoy the boat ride. Even if there is a waterfall at the end—in fact, a crashing end might make you enjoy it even more. I might enjoy less an infinite boat ride, as compared to the undulating moments of a finite boat ride. But then remains the question of those with a shoddy boat or tempestuous river—these are the arguments for charity and equality, and they seem to be true with or without free will, especially in the case without free will.