Writing in the city

San Francisco is a lot
For a writer
Trying to get down
The small stuff

You see
A piece break off
From the whole
When you’re
In the right place
And time
To see the break

The wheel
Of a mail truck
Pulls up and over
A curb
And you think
To write it

But then
Another car honks
And you’re distracted
Which would be fine
You could return
To the wheel
And the curb

If not
For the other sounds
And sights
That come one
After another

One moment can’t
Hold up against
All the others
Attacking
The outside walls
Which define it

When they
Eventually crumble
And all the other
Surrounding moments
Invade
And mix
The moments
Breed
And assimilate

So you can’t remember
What the moment
Was before
And it changes
All the time

May 31, 2021 at 01:51PM

Drinking again

The bubbles from
The lime seed
At the bottom of the bottle
Ascend
To the surface
In a pillar
Of molecules destined
For kin air
Escaping
From an ocean
Of amber gold
Intoxication

I promised myself
Again this morning
That I would not
Drink today
Now it’s early afternoon
And this
Is my second

May 31, 2021 at 12:42PM

Peter

I stood on the balcony
With my new friend Peter
Who was about twice my age
We had just gotten back from dinner
And were starting our evening drinking
He started to talk about how
He was old
And I was young and full of energy
I asked him
What he meant by energy
And he pointed out at all the lights,
Boats, roofs, roads, water
And asked me
What do you see out there?
I said I saw lights,
Boats, roofs, roads, water
He waited patiently
Like a teacher
For the right answer
He said there are protons and electrons
It’s all energy
And that was his point
Which I did not completely understand
But then again, I did, somewhat

May 31, 2021 at 11:32AM

Escaping authorship

How far can I
As the writer
Get away from
The subject
Of my writing
If I must sense
See, hear, smell
Something first
In order to write it
Where can I
Cram myself away
So that
The subject
Can be what it is
Independent of me
Sensing it

May 31, 2021 at 11:21AM

Broken blender

I broke the blender this morning
Burned up the rubber piece in the bottom
Blending
A smoothie that was too big
On the high setting

I should have started low
Until it was mixed some
And then turned it up higher
So it wasn’t so hard on that poor
Piece of rubber

In between an engine that had
All the strength
And a blade that had
All the ambition
To blend more than the machine
Ever had before

But the rubber wasn’t ready
And the engine and the blade
Did not consider the rubber
In their plans

May 31, 2021 at 11:09AM

Afternoon

Is it even
Noon yet
Our brunch
Started
At eleven
And we must have
Spent more than
An hour there
So it must be
After
Noon
Now

May 30, 2021 at 12:24PM

Dust in the wind

I feel like
A floating speck of dust
In a very big world
Walking back to the resort
After
A very boozy brunch
After the third
Bottle of champagne
We had to get a fourth
Because it was two-for-one
I took off my shirt
To avoid
Sweating through it
The shirt
Hanging on my shoulder
And all the rest of it
Including
The dust speck
I am
Blows in the wind

May 30, 2021 at 12:20PM

Economics

I spend
And spend
And eat
And consume
And earn
And then spend
And eat
More
And more
And earn
Again
Until
I’ll eventually
Lose either
My appetite
Or my ability
To earn
And then die
Or else
Get taken care of
By another
Earner

May 30, 2021 at 11:35AM

Hurricane warning

The waves
Creep up along
The sandy beach
And then retreat
Forward
And back
Forward
And back
Like a dog
Nipping at the heels
Of the city
Waiting
For the collective power
Of their element
To overwhelm
All at once
In the rush
Of a hurricane

May 29, 2021 at 10:20PM

Standing on the rooftop

We stood on the rooftop
With our hands on the
Railing
Looking out at the ocean
And the lights from the few
Larger yachts
That stayed out in the water
Overnight
The other boats
Went into the marina
To dock
Most of them
Before sundown
The ocean
Dark
And mostly without any
Perceptible details
To our eyes
Numbed
By all the lights
Of the city
In the half of the view
On our side
Of the shore

May 29, 2021 at 10:15PM

Out of body

Dancing
I go back and forth
Between
Being aware of myself
And forgetting
That the experiences
Feeding into my senses
Are predicated
On the attachment
Of my sensory organs
To my body
With which
I identify

May 29, 2021 at 08:30PM

Nice bathroom

In the very nice
Bathroom
At this place
The hand towels
Are linen
Not paper
And they still get thrown away
In a waste basket
Lined
With a plastic bag
I hope
They wash them
And don’t just
Throw them away

May 29, 2021 at 07:25PM

It’s all alright

I am less worried now
About getting back
Across the border
If my test comes back positive
I’ll just stay
In Cabo for a while
It’s all alright
It’s all
It’s all
It is all
What is it
And I am here
And part of it
Anything past that
Is unnecessary
Complication

May 29, 2021 at 07:24PM

Artist’s budget

At dinner
Some of our group
Wanted to order
More drinks
But the artists
Among us
On budgets
Stumbled
Over our words
To say
We’d rather wait
And drink the cheap alcohol
From the grocery store
Back at the room

May 29, 2021 at 06:54PM

Gosh

I try to drink it in
Eat it
Consume
And digest
All of this moment
That taste, smells,
And feels like
I wish it always would
I want it
So much
That I miss it
Already
Even though I still have it
Right here
I breathe in deeply
To get as much
As I can

May 29, 2021 at 06:47PM

Loosely

I can close my eyes
And escape
From where
My sight says
I am
Off into
My head
It seems
Black
As far as my eyes
Are concerned
My other senses
Still tether me
To what I can hear
And feel
I try to escape
Plugging my ears
And lying down
On soft cushions
But I still remain
Myself
Loosely

May 29, 2021 at 05:48PM

Making music

Sitting in a chair
I started to drum
On the armrests
And really
Got into it
Tapping
A rapid
Multi-fingered beat
On the one arm
And a deeper
Bass beat
With my whole palm
On the other
Bobbing my head
Bouncing my feet

May 29, 2021 at 04:07PM

Passed out in the sun

On the beach
He lies
With the brim
Of his ball cap
Pulled down
Over his eyes
Seeming
To be asleep
But his hand plays
Intelligently
With sand
Flowing through his fingers
And into mounds
By his side

May 29, 2021 at 03:40PM

The sound of being underwater

Treading water
With my ears above the surface
I heard
The squeals of children
The music from the beach bars
The waves crashing
The vendors selling

Underwater
I heard
What I try to remember
How to describe
Back on the beach
It was
Not silent
A soft
Ahhhhhhhh

I’ll have to
Swim out again
And fish
For words
So you can
Bring it back to shore
Inland
To wherever you are
Grill it
Bake it
Or however you like your fish
To taste
And hear
And be there
Underwater and at peace

May 29, 2021 at 02:08PM

Cuddles

I held her
In my arms
On the beach
It seemed
To both of us
Like the thing to do
At the time
To maximize
Our pleasure
Despite her being
My friend’s
And the other
Usual reasons
For abstaining
From what we really want

May 29, 2021 at 02:03PM

Running to the water

I got up off my cushions
And ran
One bounding step
After another
To set
As few feet
As possible
Onto the hot sand
And reached the water
Quickly
Took two more bounds
In the shallow water
And then
Took off and soared
As best
As my young body could
My pointed hands
Were first
Into the water
And then all of me
Was in
And under
Suspended
And supported
On all sides
For as long as I
Could hold my breath

May 29, 2021 at 01:58PM

Ceiling fan

The fan spins
So fast
Shaking
Its center piece
Whirring
Whispering
To me in bed

Its blades
Blur
Into a circle
That looks
Like it’s painted
With one
Very light
Circular
Brush stroke

If you spin
Your eyes
Around
With it
You can catch
A glimpse
Of a single blade

Static
For a moment
In the blur
A blade flashes
To cry
To beg
For escape
From the race
That goes too fast
In circles
Never ending
Going nowhere

May 29, 2021 at 09:09AM

Small talk

Your part of the table
Succumbs to the silence
You rack your brain
For something to say
To the person across from you
Or next to you
Or anyone
Or else sit
In the silence
Staring off
At something else
Caught between
Still thinking of something to say
And seeing something interesting
Or thinking your own thoughts
And not really caring
About the silence

May 28, 2021 at 09:49PM

Telling stories

When you talk to someone
And listen for a while
And get restless at some point
Wondering when the story will be over
But you get past that
And forget about yourself
And actually start to live in their story
And be interested in it
And ask them questions
Really wanting to know
What it was like
At the twists and their turns
Like watching a movie
But even better
To meet the character in real life
And ask them questions
With no outtakes
It is their eyes
That always get me
When I am as close as I can get
To living their life
And leaving my own
Their eyes
Are the last door into them
That I look into
And then fall
Completely in

May 28, 2021 at 09:35PM

Marcos

Talking to the restaurant owner
From Germany
Who made his way over to the U.S.
At some point
And sold automation technology
To auto companies
Even though baking
Was always his passion
He would take the executives
Of these auto companies
Out to dinner
At the nicest restaurants
And that is where Marcos told himself
He would open his own restaurant
Someday
It started as a bakery
And then expanded to
A dinner menu
I got the chicken
With brussel sprouts and pumpkin purée
The chicken was perfect
But the brussel sprouts were undercooked
I wasn’t going to tell him
Because you don’t tell strangers
What’s wrong with
What they love
But he told me his story
And I told him I believed in him
And thought his restaurant would be big
And then we weren’t strangers anymore
And so I told him
The brussel sprouts were undercooked
And he shook my hand
And said he would tell the chef

May 28, 2021 at 09:31PM

At the villa

We sat and listened
To the wives
Talk about their preference
For flying first class
On certain airlines
And not others
As the fountain
Of their private pool
Splashed in the water
We nodded
And acted like
We lived lives
Similar enough
To understand what they meant
About spending
Thousands
On plane tickets

May 28, 2021 at 05:15PM

Coming to America

Arsenio made us our
Margaritas
With tamarind and jalapeño
And brought them
To the frontside
Of the infinity pool
Where we had our chins
Resting in our forearms
Talking about how
It’s easy to be
In the present moment
When nothing else seems
Like it could be any better
Arsenio
Told us about how
He went to the states
When he was fourteen
To Santa María
His uncle
Who was a coyote
Took him walking
Through the desert
From ensanada
Across the border
There was a fence
But there was a hole dug
Underneath the fence
Like little animals
Dig
He said
When he couldn’t translate
What he meant
By the hole under the fence

May 28, 2021 at 02:47PM

Crooked eagle

A desert eagle landed
On the roof across from our balcony
And James explained
How the falconer
Brought the eagle everyday
To chase the smaller birds
Away from the resort

We watched
The majestic eagle
Pick with its beak
At its plumage
As one small bird
And then another
And another
Landed
On the roof next to it

Not doing
Very good at its job

The eagle must be
Like a crooked officer
In cahoots
With the small bird mafia

May 28, 2021 at 02:46PM

Night drive

I lean my head back
Against the headrest
In the backseat
Closer my eyes
And let the air coming through
The open window
Blow my hair
There is something about
Driving on the highway at night
With music playing
We stay between the white lines
And behind
The red taillights
The black of the night
Blankets
Everything other
Than the road we speed along

May 27, 2021 at 09:30PM

Cheap meal

The two tamales
The chicken in the salsa verde
And the beef
In a sauce I could not translate
On the plastic plate
From the street vendor
In the square
Of San Jose
Was the cheapest meal I had
Cheaper
Than the tourist traps
Near the beach
I sat on the fountain
And picked with my plastic fork
Through the sauce
To find the meat

May 27, 2021 at 09:05PM

Old white man

A white older man
Gray stubble on his face
Wearing a cowboy hat
And an oversized
Buttoned-up shirt
And oversized khaki pants
Slouched
In a straight-backed wooden chair
His long skeleton fingers point
And he says something
To explain
What he’s pointing at
But
It’s indiscernible
Maybe because of
The empty
Bottle of wine
Next to him on the table
But for a guy of his size
He would have probably needed
More than one bottle
To get to this point
By his demeanor
I would guess
He is either
The proprietor
Of the gallery
Or the artist who made
All the pieces
Or the man
In charge of this moment
In some way
Or another
As we all watch
And wait for him
To take the lead

May 27, 2021 at 08:20PM

Coming to me

I watch for
What
I can write here
Whether
This is the way
Or
It should come to me
And surprise me
Like
I wasn’t
Waiting for it

May 27, 2021 at 08:14PM

One margarita

It’s amazing
How much better
I feel
From one
Margarita
Made with mezcal
After passing
On the first two rounds
Of drinks
That my friends ordered
“Amazing”
Is not the best word
I know
But if you’ve ever drank before
You know
What I mean
Which is the point
Anyway
Right?

May 27, 2021 at 08:08PM

Where art thou, hangover

I woke up confused
By
Not feeling worse
Than I should have
And confused also
About
What to do
With myself
Other
Than whatever
Would make me feel better
But because
I did not know
Whether
I was
Sick to my stomach
Tired
Or just fine enough
To go down
For a swim
Which is what I eventually did
And so started
A day full
Of what wasn’t planned
But just happened
One thing
After another
And so passed
Another day
Of living
As pain-free
As possible

May 27, 2021 at 07:55PM

Flamenco dancer

We sat at the table
Waiting on our drinks
Watching
The flamenco dancer on stage
Stomping her feet
Violently
And rapidly
The guitarist invited us to clap along
But there was
No hope of that
We could not even applaud
At the right times
The dancer
Would stop
And then we would applaud
And she would stamp right on through
Like a mother
Scolding her children
She snapped her head
As flamenco dancers do
And looked at my friend and smiled
Our drinks
Arrived
Eventually

May 27, 2021 at 07:40PM

Electric pianist

The young musicians
Played on a rug
Laid on the tile
In San Jose
For a crowd of mostly tourists
And a few locals
The pianist
Was better than the other three
Combined
He played the electric keyboard
And varied the sound
All over the place
Hunching his shoulders over the keys
And then leaning back
In the old, tattered office chair on wheels
That he was sitting in
His fingers jumped
From key
To key
Like grasshoppers
Making sounds of pressed
And held
Passion
Taking off
And landing
I don’t know much
About music
But I can feel
When someone else is feeling it
And I could feel the pianist
Feeling himself
And everyone else there
Feeling him

May 27, 2021 at 06:07PM

Honest young girl

“This has so much ego in it. It’s so good,” she says about the song playing. She says things, not knowing what she’s saying and how good it is, confirming the theory I have about the words people say in conversation in the moment being way better than the words remembered and written after the fact. She says this listening to the music and feeling it. The way she says it in this moment is different. It is like music. The tone makes it. Her facial expression, the environment around her, and, of course, the music itself—it all contributes. Film would get closer with its combination of audio and video. The art that we are all chasing from different angles is the present moment. When we cut it off from its original source, we only take a piece with us—the words, the sounds, the appearance. But the whole thing is here and only once. The art is life itself as it’s lived. What makes us want to divorce it from it’s natural birthplace, to pull the flower up from it’s soil. Because we want to show the beauty to others? Because we want to keep it for ourselves.

The oldest game

James and the girl
He was trying to get with
As well as
The other nice guy
Who I didn’t think was nice
When I first met him
And his girl
Listen to music in the room
The girls dance
While the guys pretend at it
And mostly just watch
The girls
Up later
Than they would be
If they were not
Playing at
The oldest game

May 27, 2021 at 01:44AM

On the rail

I leaned back
With both hands holding the iron rail
And my bare feet
On the tile
Swinging from side to side
Looking up
Through the thatched roof
At the stars
And the full moon
Pulling the waves
In
And out
In
And out
Down there
Making dry noise

May 27, 2021 at 01:40AM

Palms dancing at night

The leaves on the palm trees
Dance in the wind
Whether I
Am here
On the balcony
To watch them
Or not

They sway to the music
Of the wind
And everything else that either
Moves
Or stays still

They dance
Like a beautiful girl
On the dance floor
Of the night
No matter who watches

May 27, 2021 at 01:35AM

Lying by the pool

I was lying out by the pool not knowing what to do with myself. I was at constant risk of overshooting relaxation and falling into boredom but such was the peril of taking a vacation when I was already unemployed.

The waiters in their white coats walked by in front of the beach chairs holding silver trays that glinted in the sun. The day was hot as you would expect of midday in July on the top of the Baja peninsula. But it was enough to avoid sunburn sitting under the umbrella. I had learned to avoid sunburn on the first couple days of a vacation. For the last days, it doesn’t matter as much, especially if you are headed back to a place with less sun. It is even good to have the sunburn when you get back, to prove to yourself that you really went and had a vacation and were changed by it.

I could hear the spinning, grinding sound coming from the machine at the bar that made drinks with crushed ice. I looked over and there was one younger man in a white t-shirt at the bar. I thought of having a drink but then thought I better not. We would drink enough later in the night, I thought.

Daring dame

She left
Almost as quickly
As she came
Not more
Than five minutes
Had we been on the balcony
And not more than ten
Had it been
Since we stepped out of the bus
That brought us
From the airport
To the resort
And here came this angel
To welcome us
Climbing
Up onto the thatched roof of the veranda
And jumping the fence
To join us on the balcony
But maybe
Her beauty
Is more fit for prose
Than poetry
So I’ll leave this one be

May 25, 2021 at 03:27PM

An unexpected friend

We got to Cabo and went out onto the balcony and the first thing that happened was a girl named Sarah from the condo below us climbed the pillar of the overhang to come up to our balcony and say hello.

She said, “I think the reason our generation has so much mental illness is because we are so far from where we’re supposed to be, biologically, like we’re supposed to be monkeys crawling around in the forest.”

This was after some conversation but not the amount usually required to get to such depth.

How can I describe her? Completely unabashed. Young and full of life. Beautiful. Unapologetically herself. Talkative.

My two friends continue to talk to her while I write. Greg asks what her and her friends are doing tonight. They don’t have any plans. Greg says the rooftop club that we can see from the balcony is a good one.

She says, “Want to go now?” It’s 3:45 in the afternoon. She has been doing coke for the past day and a half. Greg still has work to do on his computer. I would go with her, but I don’t tell her this. I don’t say anything. I just stay quiet and keep writing about this angel, friend, someone, I don’t know; but she is certainly more interesting and exciting than any of the last hundred or so people I’ve met.

She leaned back with one leg thrown over the other, wearing shorts that barely covered anything. Her eyelids fluttered over her eyes as she took unconscious drinks of the beer Greg gave her. 

She talked about everything and I sat there and typed on my phone about her just hoping she would never stop or, even if she did stop talking, that she would at least not leave and take with her all the life that she so easily brought and could so easily take away. 

I wonder if she is aware of the power she wields, to bring the whole universe to bear in a pair of short shorts that contain barely anything, let alone all the stars that were ever in the sky for as many nights as a man ever lived. One moment is not enough to contain her.

Turbulence

The plane bumps
We are safe
I guess
Based on how calm
Everyone is
Sitting
In their seats
Carrying on
With their conversations
As if
Some very clever science
Which hitherto
Has failed
Very few times
Were not the only
Thin
Line
Between our happy cabin
Full of vacationers
And the mountains
Below

May 25, 2021 at 11:50AM

Mexico vacation

The guy with sunglasses on his head
Leaned back in his chair
To tell the flight attendant
Something nice
I don’t know what
Exactly
But I know it was nice
Because she laughed and said, “Oh, thank you”
And he smiled and nodded his head
I wonder
How happy he is
When he is not
On vacation
At his day job
At the office
With a pile of paperwork
Maybe
He really is
A happy guy
All the time

May 25, 2021 at 11:43AM

How far we’ve come

We didn’t even use to
Have plumbing
In buildings
On the ground
And now
We have bathrooms
In planes
That flush!
And the water
From the sink
Is hot!

Originally written: May 25, 2021 at 11:37AM

Water

Besides being blue
And besides being wet
And besides being
Anything else
Which it might appear to be
To another
Under different circumstances
One who may even
Speak a different language
Or know more English words
Than I
But even me
Being as I am
If I were
In any other time or place
Than the 25th of May
Up in the sky seated in this plane
I would describe
It differently
Its aspects
Are innumerable
If I look
Long enough
And especially
If I take time and go away from it
And then come back to it
Later on
It will have changed
As all things are
Changing
Not necessarily themselves
I’m sure
They stay the same
For the most part
But we
Yes, we
Are changing
All the time
And so too
Therefore
Does everything around us

Originally written: May 25, 2021 at 11:25AM

Dead bug

While cutting a green pepper
On a wooden cutting board
I saw a little black speck
That I almost just tossed in
With the tacos
But I’m glad I didn’t
Because I slid the point of the knife
Underneath the speck
And brought it
Closer to my eyes
So that I could see
That it had legs
And was a little creature
Dead with
Its legs curled up underneath it
But it must have had its fill
And thought itself lucky
To have made it
Inside of the green pepper
Until it realized
It would be
A coffin
Albeit, a big coffin
One fit for
An Egyptian king
Like a pyramid
So maybe not so bad
All in all
For this little dead bug

Originally written: May 24, 2021 at 05:01PM

Like Bukowski

I will try to write like Bukowski I
suppose
based just on what I know about him
from
the two of his poetry books
that I’ve read
holding one in front of my face now
looking back and forth
between this
and examples of his work
which I am trying to copy
with the uncapitalized first letter
to begin each line
and the seemingly random line breaks
that somehow work
I don’t think I
can make it all the way as a writer
copying like this
but my editor said that I should try
something different
with my form
other than just my same-sized lines
one after another
my poems run together
after a while
she said
is this any better?
I’ll ask her

Originally written: May 23, 2021 at 06:16PM

Repetition

I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories. I exercise to lose calories. I eat to gain calories.

Fresh air

I put my hands
On my knees
Bend over
And lean my head
To the side
To stick my nose
Out the window
And breathe
The fresh air

Originally written: May 17, 2021 at 05:22PM

Mental

I can never
Get my mind
Out of the way
Fast enough
To get
To the visceral

I’ve already
Abstracted
Clouds to heavens
Blood to war
Food to hunger

Described it
To death
Pondered every
Possibility
Made it
Mental

Originally written: May 17, 2021 at 04:26PM

Worst

Well, would that be
The worst thing
You can imagine
Happening?

Or, could there be
Something else
Even worse
Still?

At what point
Would you give up
And say
I’ve had enough

Originally written: May 15, 2021 at 05:50PM

Beans

It better be
Bags of beans
You’ve brought
And dropped
On my floor;
I have little use
For much else

Originally written: May 15, 2021 at 05:40PM

This too shall

I really cared
For a while there
As I thought
This all might
Really matter
Somehow
Or that it all
Might go on
Unchanged
And what I do
Will be forever
But I’ve remembered
That it all changes
Nothing matters
It all passes

I got caught up
For a while there
Thinking that
This all
Might matter
Somehow

But now
I remember
That it doesn’t
So I can
Forgive myself
For my mistakes

Originally written: May 15, 2021 at 01:42PM

Wishing

I wish for what
Would require me
To read the dictionary
Cover to cover
In order to obtain

To get out of bed
And lift heavy things
And eat
And then lift more
And eat more
And then get back in bed
On a strict schedule

To learn
Whatever others
Have done before me
From various
Secondary sources
And then rinse
Out their individuality
And repeat
With my own

Why can not
Wishing alone
Be enough
To muster the matter
If I were to lie here
Wishing hard
And sincerely

Originally written: May 15, 2021 at 11:47AM

Problems with authority

I do not like to measure exactly. Who is doing the cooking then? If I follow the recipe exactly, scraping the back of a knife along the top of the measuring cup. If I do not taste the ingredients for myself. What kind of cook am I if I only do what I am told? Who are you anonymous author of the recipe? When have I followed your orders before without knowing it? Not today! You say, a half cup of milk. Bah! I will put in three-quarters of a cup. Because I like it creamy! And even if I didn’t, I would do it just to spite you.

What is is what is

What is is what is. There, I have said it. I do not want to say anything else. I have said what I am sure of and to say anything else would be like stepping down from a rock when there is quicksand all around me. But what about this? You might ask of me, or I might ask of myself. I sigh. I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to risk it. But you have a point. How can we do anything in this modern world without asking and answering for ourselves those other questions? It reminds me of something I once read, which was written on one of the desks at the library where I studied during college, “A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for.” I am safe standing on my rock, but there is so much more to life than just standing on a rock.

Bedtime story

We didn’t really have it that hard is the truth. Some times were hard, sure. But some people have it way harder. Where’s their recognition? If you start almost at the top and then make the small leap at the top, how far did you really go? I have a hunch that the art we know about isn’t the best there ever was. The best there ever was probably wasn’t even translated into the common arts forms that we have learned to call “art.” It was probably something like a bum who whistled a tune in the middle of the night, lying all alone on his cardboard with nobody there to hear. But maybe even that is too cheap and cliché. Maybe it was just a single mom making enough at her night shift to put breakfast on the table for her son the next morning. Still, too obvious and trite. My view is still too narrow. Too human. Too here and now. We make art that we understand. Which makes sense, I suppose. I don’t know. Lying here in bed getting sober. My throat still burns from the cigar. It’s dark out and a car drives by. 2:45 a.m. I slept all day today, before we went over to John’s and had dinner and started drinking. We talked and we talked, but I don’t think we really said it. Maybe someone has already said it to me before and I just couldn’t quite understand. Even if someone said it to me once, I’d want them to say it again. See, I’m selfish like that. I have it too easy. I’m a glutton for more of all the goodness I’ve already gotten. In some rare moments, when I can keep from over complicating it, I can see straight through to the beating heart of the cosmos. I saw it in the white ceiling when I woke up from my nap earlier today. I thought to myself, damn, just the fact that I can see that white ceiling, just that is more than I can truly appreciate, when I muster all the attention I can give it. And I don’t know why, but that’s when I think of dying. I think, I will die and I won’t be able to look at a white ceiling like this again, and I want to cry. Sometimes I do cry. Most of the time I can only cry when I think about other people dying. Sometimes I get more sad than other times. Sometimes I’m not sad at all. I’m just very indifferent and I don’t really care what happens. Anyway, I think I’ll go to sleep now.

Make-believe

I see something
Which I think
Is one thing

But then
It turns out to be
Something else

I wanted to write
What I thought
It was before

Before it became
What it
Really is

As I realize
It doesn’t really
Make a difference

It’s all
Make-believe
Anyway

Originally written: May 05, 2021 at 06:19PM

Glasses

I put on the glasses
That I’m supposed to wear
All the time
And see
For what seems
Like the first time
All the finer details
Like leaves
On the trees

Originally written: May 02, 2021 at 11:27AM

Up

I am up now
I am assuredly
Up
And away
Chasing after
Even my faintest
Fancies
Which
When down
I would not
Walking
Away from the desk
Just to breathe
And let out
Some of this energy
I can’t
Contain it all
Breathing
I send it back out
Smiling
Happy to have it
And happy also
To let it go

Originally written: May 01, 2021 at 10:21AM

Ornery future

I get into a moment
And think that this
Will be forever
And start to plan
Accordingly
Setting up expectations
And parameters
For the future to fit into
What I’m experiencing
Right now
But of course
The future
Is an ornery child
Refusing to obey
Its present parent

Originally written: May 01, 2021 at 10:06AM