To let some go, yes, fine. This is not true. This is bad for you. This is unreasonable. This will not make you happy. This will make you sick. Yes, but die, we will, regardless. And truth, we will not find, in this life, at least. So what then? Why do we sit here and argue? I have spent all this time in the courtroom before even committing the crime. And who knows how the court system will have changed by then? I must. I must do. I must be. Now. When there is still time. I must be something … but maybe not. Maybe that is where I am hung up and nailed down to the world. Crucified to caring for my ego. Adamant that it all must mean something. Unable to accept that this is the way it is and let go of my need to change that. It may be true, really, I believe you. But if I let go of this, then what am I? Maybe nothing—and that there is the crux of my sometimes subliminal railings against you and your feminine way of seeing the world.

I am so far back from what matters, so far away from the frontier. It is only a feeling, for when I actually start to think of “what matters,” it falls to pieces. But still, there is something to it. I am well fed, but I still pace around the kitchen. I have enough money, but I still sit at my desk. For what? For lesser desires. What matters? What is beyond myself? For what would I ride into battle and risk my life? If not my life, what else can I risk? Such that I would be happy to lose it, just for the chance to be in pursuit of what matters. 

I hunt and hunt, like I’m supposed to, doing what I’m built for. Searching for the next dose of satisfaction, with the last morsel still in my mouth, only halfway chewed. Having slept, drank, and doused all the other flames of desire, I have only left to hunt, lest I become idle. First a squirrel, then a rabbit, and finally a deer. My belly is full, but I am not yet tired. I eat until I am sick. I try to sleep but cannot. I think myself into an anxiety. And then I chase my own tail all the way back to the present, and repeat the mantra that was taught to me: I am safe. I am healthy. I am happy. I am grateful.