Imagine a bed with two lovers way up high. they cannot see how far the fall would be beneath them and there is nothing at all to see around them or upwards, other than a dull light nothingness almost like the color of a cloud. they hang their arms and legs off the side and imagine what it would be like to fall. they jump on the bed and so can understand the concept of gravity and falling. they wonder what it would be like to jump and not land on the bed. they are born this way, in love and only knowing one another and their limited mattress life, thought they don’t see it as limited, because it is all they’ve ever known. until one morning, one lover wakes up to find that the other is not there. he wonders if she somehow ascended, but is almost certain that she has fallen. then he wonders whether it was intentional or by accident. his life changes completely now, without her. he only knew life with another. he only knew life in love. now he finds himself thinking to himself instead of sharing everything out loud. he has no outlet for the physical expression of his love. he begins a relationship with himself, because that is the only person there is left to have a relationship with, unless he were to make the intentional decision to jump off the bed. he even has a passing thought that he might find her if he were to do so.
Month: September 2019
short story idea
imagine a world where every human is born into anarchy and must live the first 18 years of their life in that anarchy and then on the 18th birthday can decide which government they wish to participate in: A capitalistic democracy, a communist or socialist state, a dictatorship with a preselected dictator, or to remain an anarchy. you have to imagine the invalids, deadbeats, and criminals would either remain in anarchy or otherwise choose the capitalist or the socialist state and pose as a capitalist or socialist in order to take advantage of the system. So then there should also be tests in order to gain access to each system. Presumably the highest standards would be for the cavalier society that wants competitive and capable individuals to make the market more efficient and productive the second tier would be the socialist state that still requires work from individuals but cares less of individuals less capable, dealership would have less standards because presumably the demand for this government would be low in the first place and the dictator would need lower standards just to have some volunteers. And of course the anarchy would have no standards at all that would be the state of nature. So therefore what you decide to do with the first 18 years of your life determines in a very definite way your quality-of-life thereafter and also completely voluntarySocial contract for the government you participate in. It should be similar i imagine to preordained marriage in the sense that you’re more committed to an institution that you choose yourself.
cold hands under covers
baby sleeping in
on saturday morning
says she
likes my cold hands
having returned from
a morning shift
on her warm body
under covers
insider
you can’t think like that
when you’re in it
wondering why
you’re not out
because before
entering in
from the outside
you decided
of your own free will
to do so
and must remember
not to think
like an outsider
once you’re in
churn faster
i feel that everything
is progressing
moving forward
as it must
in order for
space
that would be
stagnant
to churn
and turn over
turning into
something else
which
in this case
is so good
that I try
to churn faster
coffee
i expect the world
to develop faster
for me
having had
my coffee
and expecting time
to move faster
to match my perception
of space
coming sooner
morning computer work
Deep and pitted in the mental pathway digging deeper seated upright coffee keep me here elbows at ninety degree angles on desk chair armrests perfectly parallel to the desk on which keyboard rests and fingers creating on the screen what keeps mind so focused and actually enjoying with the coffee high this work as much as I would relaxing
I get giddy like a kid again looking forward and hoping excited for what’s to come like everything’s ahead and coming my way
feeling good wanting to say spread about but keeping quiet to let it be and hopefully last this feeling like a medicine spreading and making my skin warm in a sunny day at lunchtime when i am about to eat and have made plans with baby tonight
spendthrift
I am loose with my money in the early morning or late at night when the day seems like it may not come and my savings will be useless
empathy
I wonder if he is like me
I wonder as he walks by
looking me in the eyes
and then wondering
from his perspective
if he knows I am like him
the two sides of art
Is art what happens naturally? What you think on your own before it’s shared? Even before your superego can get a hold of what your dreaming id produced in the night? Or is it what is edited and curated for the masses? Brought to the table for conversation so that it may be consumed and enjoyed by many more than yourself. For art seems also to be the two sides of the same coin on the sidewalk or street no matter where in the world I walk, and these two sides are the individual and the community, the ego and society. For as much as we wish to be ourselves, we wouldn’t want to be anything if not for others; and so too for our art. An artist, like me, wants so much to be unique and one-of-a-kind. The same type as a musician that refuses to listen to “pop” music on the radio or disdains sell-outs for producing art aimed at commercial success. But if the market accurately reflects the demands of the masses, though surely not individual, it seems to me to be just as much “art” as the avant-garde off in the corner trying to sniff out anything at all that hasn’t been seen before.
bathroom poem
having to find
a bathroom
to go humanely
when any bin,
bucket, basin,
or brick wall
of any kind
would suit me
just fine
a quarter after four (09/26/19)
with the heat hot like it is i can’t sleep on an indian summer morning and have to get out closed tight from under the bed sheets baking in there so i can explode and spread out in the combustion and at least spread out of my skin that the sticky sheets close in
this morning has it like i know i need last night to do what is been planning to but without any energy left over after a long day so had to sleep but now up early at a quarter after four sitting at the edge of the bed wondering what place opens this early in this city so i can get out of the studio while baby is still sleeping and get to work
friends across the street
i saw
across the street
in an apartment
which normally
has its shades drawn
two friends
sitting at a table
talking
then two more friends
opened the front door
and came in through
the long hallway
and the friends
at the table
raised their arms
and the friends
coming in
raised their arms too
and all embraced
and it made me happy
as i had just gotten home
and stood
in my own apartment
alone
sure
if you are sure
of what you say
you will say it
loud and clear
the first time
and not repeat
less names in nature
there are more
things with names
walking down
the city street
than there are
walking on a trail
in the woods
—or at least more
of the names
that i know
—being that i know
the makes
and models of cars
and names for
certain types of people
better than
the species of trees
or types of stone
—so when in the city
i can say about
the businessman
and the BMW
or the gas prices
at $3.95
but in the forest
i can only say
there are trees,
rivers and rocks
and lots of them
sagging clothes rod
a sagging
metal clothes rod
in the closet
where
the hangers hang
with heavy sweaters
too often
in the middle
—still the rod
serves its purpose
just as well
as a straight rod
holding clothes
hanging
above the floor
—until the day
it finally snaps
and we’ll have to
buy a new one
plant person in row 18
in the aisle seat
of row eighteen
on the airplane
bound for oakland
another passenger
i watch
from the window seat
holds out her hand
for the flight attendant
with spread fingers
as if her arm
were a tree branch
and the stewardess
coming by with her cart
rather than
pour water in a cup
and hand it to her
would walk by
with a spray bottle
and spray her
humanoid
branch hand
for sustenance
expensive art #2
i think of that painting
we passed on
that i liked
and stood there
looking at
for some time
on the second floor
of an eclectic gallery
until baby asked
if we should get it
and i asked the attendant
the price
which is when
we passed
and left
—thinking back now
i haven’t spent
that money
on anything else
i’ve liked
nearly that much
sunflower palm
the feeling
of exacticity
you get
observing
something
multi-colored
against
a monochrome
surface
like a handful
of sunflower seeds
in a peachy palm
flight safety
i appreciate
the preparedness
of plane stewards
making flight
seem safe
car nap #2
head rested against
the rained on window
watching
the wet white line
at road’s edge
trucks passing
shocking
so close
coming the other way
on the other side
of the middle
yellow line
vapor clouds
the water vapor
rising
between trees
from hot springs
confuses me
wondering why
the clouds
are so low
watercolor memory
not this one
painted on my eyes
a realist landscape
passed through
a watercolor filter
behind closed eyelids
maintained by some
abstract light
getting through
and some memory
refining the edges
car nap
a short trip napped out
with clear tucked in
points of entry
and untucked exits
while all else
dreamed between
remains unchartered
car window rain
water droplets
on the outside
of the car window
making a light
pitter patter
each
its own shape
some thin
and long
others small
and circular
each growing larger
as another
lands on top
gaining
enough weight
to slide
slightly down
like a snowball
absorbing mass
from other droplets
on the descent
streaking
faster
until joining
the fallen ‘fore
in a small stream
at the base
of the window
in the absence
only so much
to write about
in the absence out here
quiet
and mostly
staying the same
other than
trees growing
and clouds moving
surely
but so slowly
imperceptibly
nature taking its time
refusing demands
of the human world
to grow faster
unnaturally
needing
an occasional trip
like this
to step off
the giant wheel
that spins
faster than most
thought it would
big sky
they call this place
big sky
i know now
on the back deck
in a rocking chair
looking out
at the expanse
covered in complete
white cloud
without obstruction
other than
the pine trees
that form
the bottom border
of the big sky
water drops
water drops
along the bottom edge
of the wood railing
forty or fifty
along the length
each holding on
out of the corner of my eye
one drops
to splash
on the already wet deck
glancing back
and forth
along the length
trying to catch the moment
when a drop becomes
big and sagging
near the end
and loses its grip
nostalgia
suppose that some times
were better than others
remembering
and wishing to be back there
something now
reminding you
of what was then
to go off into this other place
and time
lived only on after
in a blurring
and erring optimistic
memory
vacation home
all throughout the house
each in its own corner
a book at shelf’s end
an outlet above the baseboard
a stool underneath the desk
cushions on couch
handles and hinges on doors
glass in window panes
lived in sometimes
opened, walked through
twisted, turned on
heated, cooked, cleaned
but often left
just to be a house
out here
alone in the woods
raining outside
raining outside
of the window
ripples
in each puddle
interrupted
by the ripples
of new drops
at some points
of the roof
where the flow
is frequent
there are streams
falling
from the shingle ends
at others points
there are
less frequent drops
making noise
muted
by the window glass
all this from montana (09/20/19)
knowing me on a misty morning like this in big sky Montana looking out from the deck seeing my breath the same color as the clouds the nestle down into the cleavage of the mountains like a woman’s necklaceThe soft and frequent pitter patter of rain that drops on my phone screen and the wet wood will become more frequent and harder later in the day the weather report tells us which is why we walking up early to make the drive to Yellowstone
I knows breeze in cold air in my mouth exhales vapor why I see the same trees this all last night now presumably just a little taller and a little more wet from the night rain chopped firewood place stacked at the mouth of the forest quite a lot of firewood next to two stops that must’ve been the contributors onetreeMust’ve been about twice as thick as the other judging from the chopped wood in the stumps some trees fall and naturally I wonder why those were not first used for the firewood seems like a good alternative to use a dead day instead of shopping at a living thing
on after and into what wouldn’t have been possible prior to what presently is more poignant than trying to remember
It is most often between generics and specifics choosing whether to lift off and leave earth or stay grounded in a real and present reality. The difference between being that with specifics you are committed. There is a time and place and to say one thing starts you down that path so that if you say something completely different halfway through then the reader will say wait a minute, this is not what I expected. Whereas with generics there are mostly pronouns and non-descript adjectives (the types of adjectives that could describe anything).
inward skies drift outward from mind’s eye into What was once water in the lake below now drifted up into vapor from the water surface that reflects it moving on drifting so this sky is a change of sceneThe same clouds that hide the stars at night giving a sense of soft safe protection aboveAround mountain peaks in the distance soon to return earth word in this rain
Inside painting cloud so I’d like a canvas three jobs against it clearly moving just enough to know it’s still real
edited: Inside a painting on the back porch clouds so white like a canvas the trees against it the green trunk spine branched tops defined so clearly against sky moving just enough to know it’s still real compared to trees against the forest so ambiguous seeing a forest for the trees wrapped in a blanket internally warm enough so my breath turns immediately to vapor making it harder to see through the smoke into the painting
unable to tell whether the clouds have changed or not being the same white overhead and no city noise to tell you when people are getting to or leaving work and your hunger the only clock telling you the time since your last meal and maybe tired at some point in the day napping if so in the leather sofa under the vaulted cedar ceiling waking and need needing to or at least laying my head back down and keeping my eyes open thinking as little as possible letting what happen will in the world outside this montana cabin off far away from what i will soon return to
all this from montana (09/19/19)
how to have an experience with water flooring for the white waterfall in between being here and closing my eyes and folded my hands sitting on the rock next to the river or looking up eyes open thinking trying to speak about it this caused a conflict between being realizing realizing to matter now do you talk more specifically like the clusters of white bubbles created by the base of the waterfall that float down the river over and between rocks protruding above the surface easily seen as the water is so clear and broken temper falling into the river poking out of the water lead up against the Rockwall creating a bridge tears of stone face showing years of the riverCutting through the college drone of the water creating a nice background so I can barely hear the edges of my voice just the water going down the right hitting each tear and tell hitting the water in the white
The world rewards persistence Neil says referring to the river cutting through the rocks creating the waterfall right now see it says give something enough time and it will have an impact I think the myself that’s a tragedy of it that we only have so much time
feeling with fingertips plant leaves reaching for the side of the trail here in the crunch of gravel under sneakers my friends carrying on conversations in twos six of us total three sets of two is that with the width of the trail will allow here in the waterfall still has a distance behind us one story takes over everyone listen to the laughs
The trail Narrows now conversations trail off the width only allowing one at a time so you have to turn around to talk to the person behind you so naturally talking last and looking around and keeping to ourselves more
Only so much you could write about the woods with words needing colors to get around the edges of each individual rock or each fine Pineneedle on the trail of varying length a word we’re just say rock or Pineneedle and less mathematically down on hands and knees measuring and describing to the decimal point each size a painting send all these numbers automatically to the eyes so a meditative exercise conjuring up general words to describe a pleasant for scene as if to just repeat the word tree tree tree leaves leaves leaves brock brock brock rock is what I meant to say and these doing the job of words to country up memories of your own nature scenes
creating making more being in what you are see you can see here feel remembering like this before wondering if it is the same and if New how knew where? At the edges? Just barely different? Or completely nothing ever seen before or the same using memory words taught and rememberedOr new words shouted naturally whispered maybe sounds recorded that may not fit letters
Disorienting at the edge of a cliff to look out and see and get so far into that site forgetting your own feet at the edge almost leaning forward into the picture forgetting you’re funny then to waiver and feel the wind remembering your own place and stepping backYour own body and its limitations causing the loss of the site and even more than that you saw it but that you were in it and part of it if not for your physical keeping you bodily
on a straight away sent now good golly getting into it having covered some distance heading the middle part they never seems to end on and on like try not to watch the time to get past farther faster checking stepping
you’re asking too much of your experience want to get to last longer otherwise be more when it is as overwhelms finitely as Humanizer created for Keeping the sensation of touch in your hand only as long as you hold onto what you’ve picked up when you drop it to pick up something else you can not keep what you had before the same as when you turn your head to trade one site for another or walk farther on the trail see to be somewhere else entirely so you must go and taken only what comes when it does and work hard to be taking in Nothing other than what has come
one another
i get into
one thing
and find out
there is another
that has come
of the one
so have to
decide whether
to finish the one
and be done with it
or press on
with the other
unplanned for
body and mind
i get more and more
up and outside
realizing
there is a mind
that decides
and sets the body
in motion
and the body then
runs along
until the mind
thinks up
something different
the realization
being that
the mind and body
though supposed
to belong
to the same
are often different
for the mind
that would decide
often does
at first at least
but then becomes
affected
by what the body does
and begins
to think a little differently
relax
it makes me nervous
to fly
when i’ve work
unfinished
i tell baby
before i go
just in case
to publish everything
i’d honestly
rather stay
and not even sleep
until i finish
but i must relax
both because
there will be
what there will
and i have
no control
puzzle
a puzzle piece
i found
fitting perfectly
between
what i had before
beginning and end
but not much more
than muddle
without that middle
bringing it all
together
excuse for my boss
tried to rise
but in that time
that i decided to wake
after i’d gotten
my head off the pillow
but sometime before
i could get my feet
on the floor
my body pushed out
of my tired mind
that waking thought
and here i am now
finally waking
but sometime after
when i first
tried to rise
bench nap (09/15/19)
an old man passed out plainly in broad daylight his arm stretched out resting on top of the bench his head laid-back and mouth wide-open add a day darker did yesterday and the leaves blowAlong the cement in a cool breeze making a scratching noise the wind in my ears as I walked bye
universal identity (09/14/19)
so long as you are yourself you must be that you cannot release completely just like the universe cannot you maybe part of it and wishing to melt into it but the same principle applied to one individual knowing that the universe at large is also an individual and some cents would cause everything to unravel so you must hold together as a building block of everythingIf everything is to remain built and not let loose and subtly destroyed
REMINDER
nothing added to The Girl on California Street or The Speech-To-Text Experiment from this point on from September 28
diamond (09/14/19)
It’s like a diamond with the pressure from my work and the poetry gets crystallized in the middle when I thought it was all gone and was forcing it only getting out some that wasn’t really that good so it decided to take break which is when it was allowed to crystallize as it did in my subconscious and become more naturally those slightly less more quality coming from what I actually felt as opposed to what I attempted to manufactureAnd the pressure of being helpful so to stay energized and motivated working on something more of the world less creative but I have that energy mat by the equal and opposite reaction of art so the harder I work the more I create
windshield glare
the sun hits
the windshields
of cars passing
by
on california
just right
to shoot up
through our window
and into my eye
blank space (09/14/19)
awake and into the world remembering how things are especially around lunchtime when you are reminded you must eat and go to the sandwich shop to pay with dollars that you must have kept track of and seeing all the other people eating and doing other things that they’re supposed to getting into this world all day going back to the office and sitting at your desk and doing the job that you’re supposed to that you’ve done before so keeping on this track and almost going on auto pilotIt becoming easy to keep up with your routine and home at night to rest and then wake up when there’s a chance that it’s really all new having had some time to close your eyes and think of nothing so for getting partially what is usually done and more personally what it is that you were supposed to do and not yet being so hungry nor needing more rest so being able to get away from food and shelter for a short while and left off into a blank space where could creation really a curse for me running about and waving my arms and shouting gibberish throwing it all gets the campus words that made out rhyme and notes that may be definite are attached to a world that must make senseBut here is where creation happens created being that which is new and of course must crash land at times bringing nonsense back to the real world what other times you might bring it back and others will say oh yes why have we not had this before
fake (09/14/19)
You can win because you can cheat pushing to appear like a fake plant in the store rather than one that is growing in the wild with only so much water and sunshine each day a plant that was built to constructed to be as big as no matter the materials being no cost and the builder being paid multiple builders even with green to back the world gets constructed this wayAnd sometimes even a fake plant looks real
untitled
My heart has now started to create a reproductive life of its own as I can read what I wrote before and it inspired me to write something related
private studio (09/14/19)
from this apartment inside one drape pulled over and letting lighted half the window mustering energy while music plays and water runs teeth brushing barely morning on a Saturday up earlier the first few voices outside the window generating life and momentum here just ourselves to date contained in a small studio apartment that would stay here if not for the screens connected to what is called the Internet and these keyboards with letters that constitute the English language and phones that now have computers inside of themWith photos that we took last night using the camera that is also part of the same phone baby laying in bed and editing the photos I sitting here on the couch typing about last night perfectly happy to stay inside especially with this connection to the rest of the world where we can capture art on technology and send it out to our friendsAnd even new people who have become our friendsOdd to have such a connection while at the same time being so private
never enough (09/14/19)
it’ll never be enough i know now watching my friends make their money and remembering at one point in 2005 or earlier when i was about ten two dollars was a lot for what my brother and i could buy at the corner store but now in san francisco 2019 i believe more of the stories about greedy men seeing how more made is seamlessly spent and getting used to what can be afforded but not only that but more so seeing those around you (and especially those just slightly above you) forgetting that ten year old happy with a bag of candy
baby model
baby modeling for me
taking photos
she gets this
glassy look in her eyes
like she’s forgotten
who she is
and can relax
in front of the camera
keyless entry front door (09/14/19)
buttons being pressed promptly so the system may learn you as a keeper of the code that may gain admittance here at least just for that knowledge and the ability to press it in and hear the buzz that only holds the door open so long enough to get through and close it behind you so the next must also be a keeper to get through
careful now (09/14/19)
things fall that i fumble with losing touch with reality in the particular ways that physical matter requires to interact such that it does not make complete sense to me why a coffee cup should stand still on an even table and slide in a slant so i’m cautious about putting anything down anywhere and walk carefully like a man on stilts quickly to each light pole holding on like the world might tip upside down at any moment
second dimension
i try to get the coffee high
with the weed don’t worry
and baby pushing me forward
while meditation holds me present
so ending up in the middle
of a four-direction compass
staying steady on the first dimension
while riding all the time
on the second
universal line
there is a line created
by baby’s body
when she lays
on her left side
facing me
facing the window
from which the morning light
comes over my shoulder
and onto her chest
making a shadow
where her breast
has its fullness
creating a dark line
like a fish hook
that any human
can recognize
as the outline
of one side
of a woman’s chest
i wonder if
i wonder if
feeling is the same
as being felt
i wonder if
movie actors have time
to be themselves
i wonder if
those who run the world
know that they do
i wonder if
work will go by
fast or slow
i wonder if
our landlord will finally
fix our fridge today
i wonder if
baby
really loves me
i wonder if
the company
will make it
i wonder if
my brother
will be alright
i wonder if
sleeping with baby
makes my back
better or worse
i wonder if
or when
my body will start to fail
like my dad’s
i wonder if
my dad was like me
when he was young
i wonder if
my mom
still has hope
i wonder if
i’m doing the right thing
i wonder if
i’ll feel the same way
when i’m older
blocks being blocks
big concrete blocks
from construction
clanging in the lift
mixing with the idle motor
making street noise
in the early morning
marking a new city day
with the spirit of building
and “must be done”
settling into their new
truck bucket home
before being transported
to be blocks elsewhere
three things
there are three
thing i need
phone, wallet,
and keys
—so long as
i have
these three
there is nothing
bothering me
violet beauregarde
nettles nay say
no regard
sounds like
violet beauregarde
a movie character
fictional
who i mentioned
to baby last night
about eating
too many blueberries
and turning blue
now creeping
this morning
into my
writing rhyming
subconscious
front porch light
a light
above the front door
reaches out
down the steps
like an open hand
for the traveler
that might have
otherwise
walked on past
this one’s cheap
for me
it is like this
i know
for you
it may not be
i see
and for he
who knows
whether to be
or not
let’s find him
and ask him
hey mister
why not
midweek motivation
needing to get into
this particular place
where no one need
overwhelms my
motivation
making it easier
to step off
of the curb
and not land
on the street
but rise up
even above
the building tops
even on
a wednesday
when i worked today
and will work tomorrow
but can
still stay lifted
in a midweek
of moments like this
leaving
and not coming back
night light
seeing up
at night
dressed in
a soft light
not quite
dark as
it will be
soon enough
oh well
on a warm
summer evening
i miss the bus
and care not
because
it is
a warm
summer evening
impossible shot
walking
on the sidewalk
looking up
seeing a spire
in the skyline
holding up
my phone
trying
to catch it
but not
without zoom
so i walk
further
up montgomery
holding my phone
watching the spire
grow nearer
until pine
i realize
the angle
is impossible
with another building
in the way
half a poem
my brain is always
trying to write
but i have to
hold it back
and only write
when it’s right
when it gets to me
in a moment
all at once
so i don’t start in
and end up
with just
half a poem
hanging off
screen glare
that glare
creeps crawls
shining sneaking
from the ceiling light
through open space
and onto the phone screen
that makes a cutting
bright white light
like a knife
getting into my eye
and cutting past
my cornea
into my brain
confusing everything
like a shock
all of a sudden
i can’t see
and have to turn
the phone screen
back over
oven timer
i look at the clock
above the stove
afraid to see
the time
but see instead
the oven timer
counting down
at about
three and a half
minutes left
—i am thankful
to see a time
with no consequence
for my life
other than
there are two-hundred
and ten seconds
remaining
until i need to take
the hard boiled eggs
off the burner
full bus
there are twenty
or so seats filled
when i step on
the one bus
at six in the morning
—i take my seat
toward the back
and close my eyes
like i usually do
to get some extra rest
on the way to work
—i listen for the beeps
which are each
another passenger
scanning their card
and stepping on
—i can imagine
how full
the bus has become
but i can not see
until, listening
for my stop,
the announcer says
“montgomery”
and i open my eyes
to see forty
or fifty people now
standing in the aisles
holding the hand rails
shoulder to shoulder
—standing up
i have to say
“excuse me”
and fight through
a maze
to get off
candle dance
what comes from
the candle flame
dancing through
its glass holder
and mixing with
the shelf light
together
make quite a show
on the outside
of the white
shower curtain
so standing
under the water
watching
i forget
how long it’s been
mirror image
i look at myself
in the mirror
in the dark
for long enough
that i wonder
if it is really me
or just another
dark object
in the room
—i stand still
for as long
as i can bear
thinking
i may no longer
be myself
but have become
something else
—until i can’t
take it any longer
and raise my arms
to see
in the mirror
the almost unidentified
dark object
do the same
—and so can
crawl back into bed
with less fear
of waking up
as something else
neighbor’s TV
a massive TV
at the neighbor’s
so big
i can see
through the window
all the way
across the street
—i think of
getting out
my binoculars
to watch
what they’re watching
a thing itself
less as a thing itself
more as its parts
that which is becoming
resulting from
what happens naturally
just as it would
without a forethought
for what is made
from constituent parts
more attention on each part
as if it were
a whole itself
making one by one
giving each no title
no summary
until after the fact
when it’s all said and done
and can be seen
for what it is
then can finally
be called
a thing itself
all come crashing down (09/07/19)
I worry it will all come crashing down like what is happened won’t continue or I’ll forget to do how to do what I’ve done the tower built into the sky when all the sudden the foundation and the bottom floors CampbellWatching almost to not continue to not make progress for fear that it will disappear blah blah blah this one is a good isn’t good is not not not not
honey communism
a steady stream
of honey
from the bottle
held
unnecessarily high
above the plate
forming at first
globbed tiers
like stalagmites
holding their form
only briefly
before melting
into an undistinguished
larger glob
making sense to me
as an individual
at first unique
then born into
a uniform mass
hot hands
baby scares me
sometimes
like she’d leave
her hand
on the stove
if i wasn’t there
to pull it away
always calculating (09/07/19)
carried on counting keeping careful tabs calculating making sure amounts match up perfectly placed weights balancing so that records can be kept track of current and up-to-date figuring for what otherwise seems ambiguous and uncounted and therefore not understood or able to be made useful determining where there was too much and where there was two little reallocating and budgeting to spend just enough for a return of increasing percentage learning from numbers to make more and sometimes subtract accessTo ensure that cost your profits the numbers are put to work
independence to interdependence (09/07/19)
feeling mattering more as long as you’re all right OK enough carrying on what is actually mattering only in so far as it is connected by some formula or calculation to how you feel not being completely off the sun still generally making warm and feel good but still sometimes the opposite sun burning and turning away so what there is mattering almost not at all except for what will kill and end everything needing to pay particular attention to danger but otherwise not mattering color words shapes time and events passing having no effect other than the effect that you won’t be interpreting fact by way of feeling and giving human weight to matter only in the case that it is interpreted or thought of or felt but otherwise just being on its own meaningless almost I want to say but being so humanist and I thought nothing could possibly could possibly matter beyond or outside of us similar to the thought I have about my own ego myself mattery more so I thought until age 23 or so but now thinking at least that man matters others matter but that empathy still not extending outside my species I suppose the next step by age 50 or soOr maybe quicker that empathy will extend to living things and then maybe before dying it will extend to everything and maybe nothing as well
consume and produce (09/07/19)
looking after things differently even when extras and efficiency is often overlooked into the access that would seem to provide enough even after quite some time having consumed and consumed with an attitude of leaving nothing left but still more comes and produces even for ungrateful hunger asking nothing in return
cafe choreography on saturday morning (09/07/19)
watching a cafe work cups stacked in a six or seven towers each twenty tall newcomers falling into line as they have before knowing the drill paying with bills or more often cards nowadays that move around the right numbers to motivate the workers to show up in the morning and do their jobs well outing coffee over ice opening black fridge doors beneath the counter that reveal glowing white interiors full of milk and other vital morning sustenance putting lids on cups for to-goers and grinding more beans clicking cash register keys sliding glass doors that both keep pastries fresh at the same time as having them be on display for customers choosing pointing through the glass that one no that one to the left right there yes the gurgle of the frothy milk foam spout steam and more beans grinding customers waiting with their arms crossed waiting for their cup to be called and then smiling stepping forward the operation running smoothly like choreography for a play where everyone has rehearsed their parts well and act candid as if it were not a shower but really real life so the hunger and thirst seems real and they are genuinely excited to receive their coffee or bagel but relaxed not so serious like they might not eat otherwise knowing there is another cafe next door but casually and expecting it having gotten used to a life of nearly guaranteed survival that the world of order has created which makes cafe choreographed machines possible
care about what
i used to care about surviving, then i cared about truth. now i care about art, which i’ll hold onto as long as i can, until eventually caring about nothing, whether by death or an ascetic buddhist spirituality.
highway painter
i know a man
under the highway
on second street;
he paints all day
on scraps of cardboard
—i noticed today
that he paints white
over the cardboard
that he has already painted
with multi-colored lines
in broad strokes
and then paces along the curb
with his hands behind his back
waiting for
the white paint to dry
so he can paint again
self-reminder
you don’t need
to write it all
i remind myself
—write some
and leave the rest
for later
sick apartment tree
i thought our tree,
less yellow leaves
and branches perky,
seeming to respond well
being nearer the window,
was looking better
—but now i’m not sure
it depending on the day
and my mood
how things appear
as i look at them
at once sad and drooping
and then not long after
joyous and upright
this being the same tree
that we’re talking about
which, in reality,
is just the same, all along
at the taqueria after work (09/05/19)
let it be left and lost that Which doesn’t carry on itself after anything more important then the next step looking back and seeing where it came from but forgetting to look forward and keep stepping striding even running without paying any mind to it created his legs that run as long as it keeps going and becoming the past not mattering except for its contribution to exist now
Typing a whole thing out and having it be lost the phone accidentally erasing and forcing me to think of whether it was worth it in the first place
It’s not the beginning or end of the world just eat it is good for you without becoming too hungry or too satisfied keeping on the straight road careful not to dig or fly too far
short religious story
when i went home to kansas for a short while in june, i put on a st. christopher necklace that i found in a ceramic box in the kitchen counter. i wore it for the time i was home and it made my mom happy to see her soon wearing a symbol of his catholic upbringing. when i got back to san francisco the st. christopher pendant fell of the second day i was back, and i thought that was ironic. now i just wear the silver necklace. i suppose my mom still thinks i am wearing it with the pendant attached, and i surely won’t be telling her otherwise.
the fog in the evening (09/04/19)
The fog locks you down and you were here you were going nowhere else this is it look up and all you see is white even the upper half of the buildings are cut off like anybody on the 20th floor and higher doesn’t exist walking on the sidewalk you feel safe like if the world were to tip upside down you just fall into the cushions of the clouds no hope of a son that is going to set or riser a moon that comes up at night just this eternal day the same amount of light getting through the same temperature and the same thing to be done over and over until it’s finished The fog is for working world and nothing else
loud kisses
her kisses are loud in my ear
like you wouldn’t expect
from such a soft thing
supposed to be sweet
but crashing loud, hurting even
so close to the drum
sitting in the sun in the early afternoon (09/04/19)
I was really in a good cut that riding car down the side of the sidewalk seeming wider than usual feeling good about what I had written reading it sometime after forgetting it’s what I wrote I need it just to avoid the normal rushed hours like noon for lunch at 8 AM for the commute to work if I just wake up a little earlier at six to go to lunch at 1 PM I can get out on my own and see what I came forWithout having to dodge her out so many other pedestrians and wait my turn just to see
after about it now left got up from the low but if it’s a good feeling in my chest and happy just to walk in the breeze like I forget to be thankful for so often smiling for no reason and looking curiously everywhere curiously at what has appeared to be so many times but is now somehow different seeming like an opportunity an opening at offer unless I danger less like a car that might hop the curb and kill meMore like a modern Momento of innovation of them
sometimes thinking nothing could go wrong like now sitting in the sun in the early afternoon and other times thinking everything already has gone wrong and can’t ever be changed or get better swinging like this and wondering how to stay but when I get out and spend some time and try to doctorate everything changes and can’t experience the art of emotion throwing me this way and that out of my control which being myself I love meant to a certain degree because I’m the one who asked to go through it but from the outside if I were to see it like a book or a movie but quite enjoy the art of it after all it is the highs and the lows and even the sideways that are most interesting to sit with my eyes closed and be calm is not that externally interesting like a movie but maybe if we had to take the camera they could see what goes inside goes on inside of mind and the colors and feelings that take place they’re dark and silently maybe then i would prefer that movie
holding hands
take the most
exacting and useful
appendages
of the human body
—usually
always working
doing something
un-idle—
and make one
do nothing,
for a change,
other than hold
another
of its own kind
here it is
here i am at the top
of this great peak
having come for myself
and found everything else
between
i get exhausted
checking the distance between
what needs to be done
and what could be,
thinking of all the possibilities
in between
untitled
here i am at the top
of this great peak
having come for myself
and found everything else
one big surge after a nap on sunday (08/31/19)
needing it all to be productive even wanting my leisure time to make more for me having gotten into this bad habit of looking at everything in terms of its value and looking at myself in terms only of what value i can produce and this value system being minimally investigated though i suspect it is based on monetary american capitalist fear-based material systems and i have let them get hold of me in an effort i thought some time ago to lean into it for a while so that at some point i would have enough to live comfortable and be released and able to build my own value system with enough “free” time — yet that time has not come and i am getting antsy but know that if i break early before my money is made then i will return to the same problem having not enough money to survive and slipping below the standard of life required for the value system i would build based on non-monetary tenets so i realize the two worlds are linked by the ends of the world’s monetary system and the means of my own idealist world i cannot yet surmise that a complete break is possible especially with the lingering suspicion that a human being animal may not be able to release from his nature whereas the monetary pursuit is an advanced version of the primal pursuit for food and shelter so really wanting to split from my nature and remembering again that this is not possible – which i would not forget except for the ethereal moments when the sky opens up and shines down on the earth in a way i want to look at the world forever or a feeling for a person i love overwhelms me in a moment which i wish would last forever such that i could exit time in that moment and have that be all there is, yet it is this trade, which we do not necessarily choose to make though i think we would choose it if given the option, where the barter for more space is always to endure more time. if you want to see, feel, hear or otherwise sense the world differently than you are sensing it right now then you must endure more time. and this goes on whether we like it or not more time always coming and brining with it subtle changes in space that sometimes you don’t notice, when you’re sleeping for example, and other times you notice very second, like the final seconds in a football match. and in those moments, in a small amount of time, we reach up to the ethereal opening in the sky, but then are pulled back earthward by our animal needs to eat and otherwise care for our bodies that might die if not cared for correctly
takes time what i want to blast all at once in one big surge like a dam holding back the largest river which breaks at only one point and the jet stream that comes forth from that small crack the force of a whole river coming through that one point but even more than that because the whole river must still wait patiently for that small opening so i want the same small opening but the whole river at once rushing through with a blast that could destroy planets the same as a thousand taxis through the entrance of one roll bridge or a thousand camels through the eye of one needle which is the same impossibility i suppose i am asking for in this case that which jesus said was impossible for the rich man to pass into heaven with all his belongings but i care not for my belongings but rather do not want to leave this earth here to pass into heaven which is what i suppose i really am trying to bring all at once the whole word into the ethereal much along with me and still be able to display it to the world as art making me realize now that the belongings which i am most burdened by are not my possessions but my attachment to others and to myself
at the hotel laying on the bed (08/31/19)
leading on after into the microphone especially when I have nothing good to say not mattering as much that the speech to text messes it up is the original might not of been good anyhow just finding time like laying in the hotel bed before going out to the pool to say something anything really into the phone thinking something and stopping myself because thinking it might not be good but then knowing Shirley my ego has a hand in it and this being the main mistake when trying to write stream of consciousness but the complete lack of self consciousness during the kids through the window in the pool outside a little after 4 PM waiting for her food to settle so we can join them another long pause that the text doesn’t pick up like music would or a live performance when someone in the crowd would shout out what the hell are you doing not saying anything up there that I would showShout back I’m thinking but really not needing to do that now just needing to let it flow but can’t maybe a swim well maybe swing will help
at the same time you still have to be listening to what you’re saying Jane not to listen to just say and let it go otherwise what is being said is affected by what was said and what will be said and what is being sad all the time can’t be gotten through without what is behind or ahead you need to close my eyes and not look at the screen as the words appear but then being conscious of the speech to text turning off after 20 or 30 seconds seconds as it does needing to fix the phone or ask able to show me howLike just now I had to restart it you can tell by the capital letter and I’m looking at my screen and conscious of that when I write best ascending into no knowledge of what I’m doing and also conscious now as talking too much about the process I need to talk about the white walls in the orange circle painted over and over on the back wall in the white drape go to bed in the window letting in sunlight at 4 PM and baby here next to me patiently waiting and listening like she always does
Leaning my head off the edge of the bed with nothing else to say at the hotel having gotten out of town working a lot recently but this negatively affecting my writing not being able to get into the mindset and create when doing the same rudimentary tasks over and over and just wanting to think of nothing when I get home and spend time with baby even now out of town but I’m usually inspired a little less so but it’s all right I suppose work going well and the art will come back I hope
neither not even having energy your inspiration to get down let’s go but I can still get something down just talking about the ceiling line always the ceiling laying down looking up in the sound outside just nothing inspired in the situation so if I say my situation and what I see which I usually am excited about relaxed enough in this case but just not necessarily excited like it’s artistic just satisfactory and making me comfortable but the inspiration idea that this is really anyDifferent than what anybody else is doing on a regular basis without that it’s hard to talk a lot and fast about it so really just mumbling right now and trying hard to no avail laying on the bed in my towel after a swim waiting for baby to finish her shower and then take a nap and maybe dinner later not really matter and I think needing to remember now just to be thankful for when I’m comfortable and not having to create so much all the time
speech to text working well now and wanting to take advantage of it when my words are worth written down clearly but at the same time becoming conscious of the fact that there is no excuse if what is written isn’t any good so the instruments of production are precise enough that the fault lies only with the producer and really having nothing to sayIn this moment other than what the technology might mess up for me
baby bringing on to me
baby brought onto me
a distracting feeling
for her and nothing
else, even the road
driving, trying to
steer straight
or the hotel, trying
to drop my bags
and take off my jacket
but can’t even
baby pulling me
through the open door
shutting out behind us
the attendant and
any other distractions
pillow fight
there are objects
you can throw
soft enough
to be caught
like a pillow
letting fly
plumes of feathers
and other
soft things
thrown
alright
until
a night lamp
in the corner
gets knocked over
or someone
grabs a tea kettle
or something else
heavy instead
driving a rental car on the one (08/31/19)
In the car driving making reality matter more whereas when just sitting shape shifting when I look at it could be one thing or another no matter what in the driver seat with a hand on the wheel what there is
In the car driving making reality better more that it does as I said with my hands folded in a chair on a bench at the park for example watching as things pass by people walk and branches blowing all of it can change as artistically create whether I want to imagine the people at something else like blobs expanding and contracting or the trees as castles so constantly re-creating the world as it isn’t what I wanted to be this big part of my heart to constantly reimagine and see differently however this is not possible and driving if you see a stop sign and imagine as a green light or see a one-way road and imagine it has two there will be trouble reality as it is needs to stay that way in order of everybody on the road to be following the same rules such that artist shouldn’t be allowed to drive I don’t think not because they don’t want to fall the rules or because they’re not capable of knowing them but because their mind will re-create and then them to be understood differently on the road to where everyone understanding things the same is the most important part of traffic working correctly so now behind the wheel on the one heading south with baby driving for the first time in a while it is difficult for me especially wanting to get out my phone and write this and also seeing a red light and thinking of all I’ve written about red lights and what they made and how they can be interpreted differently but in this case I need to just determine it is exactly what it is a red light that means stop and Nothing More no Rick re-creating it as something else especially not getting distracted and thinking about it so much that I don’t notice when it turns greenAlso this been wanting to go faster and faster and not necessarily follow in line and dodger on cars regardless of what I can’t see on either side that because it’s the right thing to do it because it will get As to our destinations faster and more so just because it’s what I feel and what I want but those are not the borders for driving feelings and desires is very much about following the rules driving there’s nothing really to do except for exactly where you’re supposed to and that is just not what I’m used to doing
The red light opens up and ceases to become a red light reaching past the scene itself as it appears just to my eyes and seeing into a submerged layer of the reality such that almost the feeling or the emotion of it gets through to me in my eyes Shirley are still seeing in the sense that they are processing the light but something deeper takesThe primary focus of my attention it is the same when I write sometimes and can imagine how somebody will read it usually one particular person when I’m deep in conversation or exchanging messages so I right now to create a grammar recording to have a sound read out loud read over again I can imagine they will skip the articles or read the verbs loud I need a few synonym verbs to really give the idea of the action one after another not separated by commas as they should be for conveying what is meantAs I feel it whether that is how it is normally communicate it or not
I love sitting shotgun consuming what I see through the windows but at the same time want to control the wheel controlling what the windows show and where we go but have trouble doing both at the same time sitting in the driver seat needing to pay attention to the road but wanting to recline my seat and watch writing the passing scenery reminding me you cannot be both god and a liver in your created world
I kind a like the headlight take such that you could pick up the pace and go for it not instructed by trees or climate clients crawling down towards the beach whitecaps ordering so blue meeting Paige
signs say call box now open etheldore st cross walk ahead chevron with techron historic moss beach distillery el granada 2 half moon bay 7 speed limit 55 driving by on the one doing about 40 just over the speedometer says signs showing me that trees i always fall the same, just tree, maybe tall or short, or green in spring and orange in fall, but mostly just tree, whereas a sign always has a name like speed limit 50 radar enforced princeton coral reef avenue el granada ave alhambra oceano hotel & spa pillar point harbor and other words telling me where i am and what i ought to see pointing in all directions other than where i am right now and way what i see right here without any sign having to tell me
she holds her lips to the back of my left hand that she holds with her right as we wait in traffic on the one merging two lanes into one so even slower now but not mattering with baby and our music here in the far feeling just fine not even noon with all the road ahead of us down south along the coast
newsstand bench
a newsstand
turned over
onto its side
turned into
a park bench
for those
waiting
for the bus
car window theater
driving
in the backseat
(so riding
i suppose)
watching
out the window
i treat
like a movie
with the frame
of the window
as the borders
of the screen
—or a gallery
sitting in
the same chair
staring at
the same picture
that changes
expect that
the picture
is really real
and if you opened
the car door
(once the car
has stopped,
of course)
you could step out
and be born
all of a sudden
into any picture
that just moments
was only painted
on your window
untitled
all along outside even after in goes others who wouldn’t waiting need to wait to just get through the editing phase before going back again to making and benefiting from the momentum of one being surrounded by front and back to learn itself less scrutiny spread out
known city
the city is an ambiguous thing
a mass
a place to be gotten to
but not necessarily understood
or remembered
intimately
like a person living there
able to sit in their apartment
with their eyes closed
and imagine walking on the sidewalk
in any direction
and seeing the storefronts
and usual coffee shop
and even the imagining the worn chair
on the second level
where one usually sits
—the city becomes
a place lived in and known
rather than a general black mass
holding a spot on the map
that one reads
for places imagined
rather than places traveled
and even if you have visited
once or twice
and remember specific places
like what a specific room feels like
the sense of knowing the whole city
and the places you can possibly go
and how to give directions
and where to lead newcomers when they ask
only comes with time
writing poetry
when i write poetry i don’t sit down and employ a creative strategy or exercise to first get an idea and then open a dictionary or other index of words to figure out what will fit the rhyme scheme and meter—going along like this slowly spending time to think between words and building slowly brick by brick like a house. when i write poetry i’m often standing up in an experience that is making me feel or think something and start my fingers typing on my phone with what i can only identify as the energy of the experience itself that comes so fast my fingers can barely keep up and sometimes i don’t recognize what i’ve written until after it’s done
pulsing bathroom floor
the world is shaking moving
making faces at me
in the candle light
the tile floor gyrates
beneath my feet
the little white
hexagon tiles
each bordered
by gray grout
pulse back and forth
confusing my sense
of where my feet bottoms
meet the ground
mocking my
impaired mental state
dinner alone
i have stand up dinners
when i’m alone
because i have nobody
to sit with me
more speech-to-text from that saturday that i almost lost in my text message history (08/24/19)
You just Gotta go on creating what you do being who you are digging deeper into the trench (edited, was “Trent”) you are born into past what may hold you back seeing others do something similar or different way do you like that you should or should not be looking out ahead and seeing what will come of it or looking backwards and thinking that this doesn’t match with who you are forget all of that it doesn’t matter but were you when you were in it and really beating chugging along wheels are on the rail punches are being thrown the water is boiling it’s time to go now being in it and God that’s it that present that time when it’s just you and you know you’re doing it or maybe somebody’s with you and you’re doing it together but god that’s the moment and all other times you’re just thinking of moments that I’ve been before and why it’s been so long since the next moment that’s to cut that start to come so you wait until it’s upon you and then you’re not prepared and can’t catch your breathBut have to make do with the breath you’ve got to sprint on (edited, was “spread done”) through
just make it won’t you man make more for me now while it’s here because it won’t always be talking in abstracts using adverbs instead of verbs not wanting to commit to much to any given idea right now but rather wanting to just express the feeling generallySitting on the edge of the bed now holding my Head in my hands my elbows on my knees my left finger is resting on the back of my right calf to talking to my phone I can hear the refrigerator in the apartment in the garbage truck outside in the bus that says one California to Gough and Clay looking at my phone surprised that it typed out those street names correctly and the bus takes off leaving me with only it’s Noise and nothing else to talk about the beep of an alarm and tell the car door slams still the fridge wearing onomatopoeia‘s are recorded very well by speech to text always got that word but not this out of the fridge just me alone to talk to myselfAnd being caffeinated so not wanting to do anything else
I don’t really know if it will last but it something right here now to me and that’s for sure a lot of goodness in life at large seems to be this way because it only so much can get to a size or last long enough for Manny to hear over years and in different places and see or however it may be experienced but the vast majority of things which are good seem to be experience on a smaller scale maybe only one person drinking his coffee in the morning on his usual bench watching the morning or lovers that of been together for sometime returning to one another after a brief vacation there are many of the small simple things
there are steps and rules to follow holes to slot quarters in lines to walk between buttons and computer keys to press laundry to fold instructions to read carefully emails to read and delete watches to watch and schedules to be on time for
with love, drugs, and other sorts of emotion, the main problem with getting up high enough is that you have to come back down
human body art
I think it’s interesting to compare the parts of the human body that create art and the parts that consume it. For example our hands create art that our eyes consume in sculpture and painting for example. And our mouths create art that our ears consume in singing for example.
more speech-to-text from that long saturday when baby was gone (08/24/19)
So can’t get a title to figure out ahead of time what the pieces have to get into it and it first overwhelmed reading and having more and more words come in so having to process each word well also figuring out what the thing is as a whole and make up a title on your own
I get to Ohio where it all comes out but for me at least there’s never a plateau never consider flat always a climb up and fall down sometimes it controlled climb like a hike or a staircase taking steps up other times like a rocket ship straight up into the air with a rocket boosters and cheeks flapping barely able to hold on and then a brief period with a booster stop Ingraldi starts to take hold and then come back down can either be a slow decideJust sad sometimes I meant to say dissent dissent with an ED said dissent dissent dissent I can’t get this word but to go down is sometimes like the opposite of the staircase where you’re stepping down slowly or hiking down and other times it is like the fall from having shot straight up into the air and falling without a parachute
i lived on oatmeal and the eggs that baby hard boiled for me that saturday when she was gone and i had to learn to be alone again and realized when i woke up that the bed wasn’t going to make itself
The world are not to see me as I am not at (ought not, having to type this part) As I am I can’t perform for them I can’t do this in front of people I saw Terry practice it is to close my eyes and go into it if I see anyone or know anyone is their messes me up do you ever lose that self-consciousness I can only do alone
Hearing something in the other room and thinking oh that is just baby in the other room but then remembering the baby is gone and wondering what it could be a little scared at first but then remembering what it sounds like to be in the house alone