Humans are not diamonds

Humans, even perfect ones, are not like diamonds. We are more than just stone. We are tree trunks and flowing water and open space. We are sounds and light. If compressed we only become more unintelligible.

If an immense pressure all of a sudden squished the earth into a ball the size of a marble, it would not be like a beautiful diamond. It would be a black ball indistinguishable from an actual black marble, other than its planetary weight.

Like earth, we are not designed to be specific. We need space and time to spread out, maybe even more space and time than the whole universe is physically allotted, certainly more than one lifetime in one body.

I am many

If you refine me down into one-pointedness, like a cog in a gear, then yes of course I am limited. But the things I am are many. They are spread wide. They don’t mix, like oil and water. To refine me down to one-pointedness is like cutting off a piece of me, as small as the edge of my fingernail, smaller even. Not even I can appreciate all of me at once.

Balance in history

Some individuals, who have really worked hard at it, find balance in their lifetime. Lifetimes are self-contained and subjected to relatively static identity that flows from an individual Will. One person can build up to a specific goal before death, and that goal is subjected to a Will that may fluctuate, but within a range and non-randomly.

As a society, for the masses, however, there is only a very volatile general consensus that does fluctuate based on individual preferences that are mashed together and averaged. Because of this, history swings back and forth between extremes.

Absolutes

There must be absolutes. Because to say there are none, is itself an absolute. Or, maybe it is to speak, is the only untruth. To not say anything at all, is truth.

Anxiety

K said, “I’m getting anxiety again.”

“About what?” I asked.

K looked at me annoyed. “I don’t know, that’s what anxiety is!”

An objective to start with

On one hand, you can subjectively play with it to make it your own. On the other hand, we need some objective to start with. You can chop up a tree and make it into a house, but there first has to be a tree. Or, you can roast a marshmallow and put it on a graham with chocolate, but there first has to be a marshmallow.

Similarly, you can write Lewis Carroll nonsense and made-up words, but there first has to be the English language. Or, you can be an anarchist and a vagabond, but there first has to be society mainly comprised of people who follow the rules. You can have a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but there first have to be sheep. You can have art, but there first has to be reality.

Order is the mother of disorder. Disorder depends on her to survive. As soon as everything is disorder, then there is only order. Then, in a twisted way, order becomes the new disorder.

Will meeting reality

I keep finishing things and then wondering, what the heck do I do now? I think it’s because I’m tripping. All my ego is stripped away so I’m just a Will meeting reality so I constantly want to be doing something.

The churn of space and time

Nights, like everything else, have slow beginnings. Nothing can start fast right away. It’s got to first figure itself out as a thing apart from other things in space. For the night this is clear. It is the darkness clearly set apart from the light. And then time will start to change it. And the changes happen faster and faster. Until the original thing explodes open and it isn’t itself anymore. And then a myriad of other things, born from the explosion, have their own slow beginnings.

The hours before

Remember when it was quiet. When you came over and I was cooking. You were sitting on the couch. I poured you a drink. It was simple and slow. I asked you about your day and you made a joke.

That hour or so, maybe less than that, when it was just you and me. It fills up with anticipation for the night. It fills up with anxiety about the silence. It fills up with things other than peace if you let it.

But now that we’re in bed in the morning, and we try to remember the night, it’s easy to overlook the subtle acceleration. When A came over and started to play his music and the volume got a little louder. Then K came over and we danced and moved a little faster. And then E and J came over and by then the night was really a big boulder tumbling down the hill.

To really savor it, I don’t know if it’s possible without slowing down. But at least to remember how it started so slow, makes the fast rush of the out of control night just that much sweeter.

Art is godly

I think my art comes from a deep desire to not just be a cog in the wheel. I want to tear out of what was going to happen anyway. It seems that so many people are just animals that stay alive. Art is godly. Art is really an opportunity to do something that’s just you.

Command+F

I pour out all of myself and all of my thoughts into words and I put the words in the computer. There is a function in the computer, Command+F. It allows you to search. I can search inside myself (I think that’s funny), when I’ve forgotten what I once knew, or when I need an old light in a new darkness.

Nobody knows

Art isn’t supposed to make sense. You could ask the artist, what does your art mean? And even she wouldn’t be able to tell you. She might try. She might tell you, I thought this. And I felt that. But the truth is she doesn’t remember who she was. And even in the moment when she created the art, it wasn’t quite clear.

Static art, dynamic me

I don’t like to over-identify myself. I am dynamic and changing. The only time I like permanence is with my art. I want to permanently achieve in the sense that I have written something down and I want it to last forever. It is what it is and I don’t have to think about it anymore.

Poetry on drugs

It’s much easier to get excited about poetry on the drug high. Working on the novel requires more precision like an exact science.

Do you like me?

It’s whether people like you. That’s it. That’s all art is. Because it’s not like there’s some truth to judge your art against. It’s all random and just thrown together. It mimics life in this way. All we have in the meantime is each other. Of course you have the option to go off and not be liked. But that seems to be the only really wrong thing to do. All we are is if we’re loved. That’s the main thing we’re after.

Possessive

I think of her possessively. It’s a bad habit. I think of how to keep her and make her mine. I think of our relationship like something static, like filling up a cup with water and I try to quantify our moments together in terms of how much more of the cup is filled. I need to let these ideas go. They are ego-driven and selfish. My main focus should be making her happy and constantly outpouring love and admiration for her.

Glue

I go to this other world, I’m addicted to it. So that the real journey and true test of my life is making the journey back. The other world is toxic in the most sweet way. It is entropy and chaos. It is also creativity and love. I know it will kill me someday. The length of my lifetime will be determined by how many return journeys I can make.

When I return back to reality, the real reality that I have learned to stop calling “real,” or at least not any more “real” than my beloved other world. But this reality, of names and concepts, is what sustains my physical body. The principal commodity in this reality is a very certain kind of glue that keeps all my molecules together and maintains the cohesion of my sense of self. I huff on this glue, walking in straight lines on the sidewalk, learning and obeying the laws of nature, being careful and avoiding danger, eating and sleeping enough. I huff and huff until I’m strong and together enough to travel. At which point I step off the sidewalk and the earth tips upside down so I fall through gravity into outer space.

Out here, in my beloved other world, which I should stop calling “other” if I have stopped calling reality “real,” a new creative force pulls me in all directions. It is only the glue that keeps me together. I revel in being stretched, and right before my molecules are spread over the entire universe, right before I achieve omnipresence and thus make permanently impossible the return journey to the reality of sidewalks and safety. That is when, with all my strength, I pull myself together and return.

Tattoos

Let’s split the body into two categories: dynamic and static. The parts of you that are dynamic: your hair gets longer, you can get piercings, your muscles get larger or smaller, you get tanner or paler. And the parts of you that are static: you have two legs and two arms and a mouth and a nose. My biggest argument against tattoos is they’re static, they’re permanent. But if I have static parts of my body anyway, parts that the Creator decided on without asking me. Why not add my own static art to my body?

Sober occasionally

When you’re doing drugs, you have to intersperse highs with sobriety. If there was no reality, you could stay high all the time. But there is a reality, to which our bodies and minds are subjected. In order to stay healthy, we need occasional sobriety to check in and make sure everything with ourselves is still functioning properly, like a spacecraft coming back home from outer space to refuel and perform maintenance.

Other-worldly

While I’m tripping, I want to write. I want to take advantage of the good feelings and creativity. But I realize writing is a worldly thing. Words are worldly. Characters and plots are worldly. Tripping is other-worldly. All you can do is be in the present and enjoy it.

My father built this house

I was making breakfast in the morning. A long-haired man put his hand harshly on my shoulder. I turned around and grabbed his wrist. I said to him, “My father built this house.”

He said to me, “My Native American ancestors nourished the tree and stone this house is built with.”

I was taken aback, not expecting this. I said, “Well, I guess we’re even then.”

Let your mind tire itself

When you sit down into meditation, especially after a stimulating day, give your mind the freedom and autonomy to roam for a while on its own. Just focus on breathing in and out of your nose with your eyes closed. Let your mind tire itself out on its own. Then after it’s exhausted, your mind will more easily achieve one-pointedness.

Quinn on animals dying

They don’t know. Their instincts are like, don’t die. And then they get eaten and they’re just like, eh. They probably don’t even know. I don’t know. I hope they don’t suffer.

Master

I focused on my breathing. I became impatient and asked my Master, “Is it time to turn my mind to my problems?”

Master said, “No, focus on your breathing.”

“I am ready,” I said.

“Why do you think so?” Master asked.

I thought to myself. I considered my problems, but I had no solutions. “I don’t know,” I admitted.

“You are not ready. You are impatient,” Master said. “You cannot solve your problems with the same mind you had before, one which could not solve your problems. Focus on your breathing.”

Early morning hours

In the early morning hours when some of the night is left over and the day hasn’t quite worked up the courage to get over the horizon, there is this in-between world where everything is still and you can’t tell if it’s a human planet because nobody’s around.

Play your role

You have to pick a part. Imagine a play. Now imagine a character without lines or stage cues. What would she do? She wouldn’t know what to say or where to stand. And the audience would get upset. They would say, who is this fool on stage? Gone with them! And on with the play! If everyone else is going to play their role, and we’ve agreed to be organized, we must play our roles too.

All the lives in one city at one time

Imagine all the different lives in just one city. I stand on my balcony at nine o’clock at night and look towards downtown. The dressed-up and cute, young couple having a date night at a nice French restaurant. The crowd at a concert jumping up and down for the headlining act. Another couple, they decided to stay in their apartment and make love. A homeless man inside his tent in a back alley digging for the last crumbs in an empty chip bag. A lonely elderly woman watching television and dreading meeting her friends for tea in the morning. A family finishing up dinner and cleaning the dishes. In the next hour, some people will die, and others will be born. All these different lives, at the same time, all in one city.

Writers’ best friends

The best friends for writers are not other writers, but characters. Writers are world creators, you can’t have more than one world being created at the same time.

The little ant

The little ant couldn’t remember how he had gotten lost. He was in the middle of an expanse with no sense of direction. The ground under his feet was hard. He had nothing with him other than the grain of rice on his back. He had no thoughts in his head other than delivering the grain of rice to the colony. It was so peculiar, the little ant thought to himself, that he could not remember anything from before. He could not remember the queen, not specifically at least. He could not remember what she looked like, only that he did in fact have a queen. He could not remember his brothers or the tunnels inside the ant hill, only that he did in fact have a home and the colony was waiting for him and depending on him to deliver the grain of rice.

Mrs. Miller

I was always coming up the elevator when Mrs. Miller was coming down. My day was coming to an end and hers was just beginning. Sometimes when I’d be leaving for work in the morning I’d see her coming back. Just before the sunrise. She’d stay out all night and dance and party with whoever would pay her bar tab. So it was only some mornings that I saw her coming home and I’d smile at her and she’d smile back.

Stopping and going and stopping

Something was chasing after us and making us push forward. What we really wanted to do was stop and stay in one place and just explore what was going on. I think we could have stopped and stayed in one moment forever. But deep down I knew we couldn’t, even if we wanted to.